What They Leave Behind
by Mjrn
Summary: Zack x Cloud, yaoi, AU, Cloud has a habit of losing people he loves. When he loses the person he thinks he's in love with, he shuts down. Zack comes into the pic after seeing something he didn't expect, and Cloud realizes he didn't lose love after all
1. Chapter 1: Late Night Adventures

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the characters in any of the Final Fantasy games, nor do I profit from using them; all rights belong to Square Enix.

**Author's Note:** So, this is my first Alternate Universe fanfic, and I'm actually including characters from other Final Fantasy games, like III (VI), VII, VIII, X, X-2, and XII. They may or may not play huge parts, but you will definitely see them. Also, it's **revamped chapter by chapter starting 05/08/10.**

**WARNING:** This is yaoi, male and male pairing. It's about Zack and Cloud (though in the beginning it seems as if it's Squall x Cloud, it's NOT). And there will be smut in later chapters. This is rated M for a reason.

**What They Leave Behind**

**Chapter 1**

_Late Night Adventures_

Cloud toed into the entryway, stopping long enough to close the door without making a sound, and stole on down the hall. He peered into the office as he crept on by it despite the fact that the lights were on—one could never be too careful when it came down to being grounded for the rest of your life—and then tiptoed toward the living room. _That_ light was on.

Sucking in a deep breath and calming his nerves, he leaned his back against the hallway wall and ever so carefully edged to the living room doorway. No voices, that could either mean Mom was beyond words in her anger at his recklessness or she had forgotten to turn off the lights before she went to bed. The closer and closer he got, the more he felt at ease. She couldn't just sit there like a statue for hours on end. She had to—

"GOT YA!"

Cloud jumped, his heart stuck in his throat, as far away from the booming voice as he could, staring wide-eyed at the senior bellowing from behind him. For a moment, no words would come to mind.

"Sneaking around like you're a spy! What're you doing out so late? Don't you have a bedtime or something?" Zack Fair, one of his brother's moronic best friend, questioned, laughing like a madman.

Seifer Almasy, another one of his brother's jock friends, came up behind Zack, grinning. "Did you see the look on his face? Hey, kid, you sure you didn't piss in your pants?"

At the insult, Cloud's anger flared. He straightened himself up against the wall. "Shut up," he growled, turning away, only to run into Basch.

"Where were you?"

Great, behind him were clowns bent on humiliating him (at least _this_ time Rikku wasn't here with a video camera…or was she?), and before him was a protective big brother bent on interrogating him.

He shrugged one shoulder and tried to side step around him.

Basch easily blocked his way. "You don't normally stay out this late. Where were you?"

Cloud looked at his feet. "Where's Mom?"

"She's still out with the Loires."

_Damn, I wouldn't have had to sneak around like that and get caught by none other than Mr. Zack Fair and Dumbass Seifer Almasy if I'd known Mom was out with Mr. and Mrs. Loire._

"I'm tired; I'm going to bed," Cloud said firmly, trying to push Basch out of the way.

Zack and Seifer retreated back into the kitchen, and Cloud could hear them sifting through the refrigerator as if they lived there.

"Are you drunk, Cloud?" Basch held him still by putting both hands on his shoulders and studied him.

"I'm _not_ drunk."

Basch narrowed his eyes and squeezed Cloud's shoulders tightly. "You can tell me; I won't tell Mom."

Cloud rolled his eyes. "I'd rather Mom know than _you_," he muttered.

Basch frowned. "Did you get high?"

Cloud brushed his brother's hands off and backed away. "I'm not frickin' high, okay? I'm not drunk. I just lost track of time at Squall and Lu's house, and that's it." Kinda, anyway. Only a half-lie.

"What were you doing at Lu's house?"

"Argh!" Cloud rolled his eyes and pouted. "Nothing. Nothing at all. Playing video games or something."

"Or something? You weren't…you know with her?"

"_Basch_!"

"I'm just asking! I need to know, I need to make sure you're okay."

"I'm okay. I wasn't having sex with her, I wasn't doing drugs—"

"Hey, Basch!" Zack called from the kitchen. "Leave the kid alone, for God's sake! If he _is_ drunk or high, let him pass out already!"

Basch sighed. "If something was wrong, you'd tell me, right, Cloud?"

_No_. "Of course."

Basch nodded, only slightly appeased. "All right; get some sleep. 'Night."

" 'Night." Finally.

Basch returned to the living room, and Cloud gratefully thundered up the stairs to his room. That was worse than getting caught by Mom!

Sighing, Cloud shrugged out of his jacket and crawled into bed, too tired to undress anymore. He yawned and curled up underneath the covers. It was a long day—too long of a day. He closed his eyes and immediately fell into a sleep plagued with nightmares.

/ - / - / - / - / - /

The morning couldn't have come sooner. Sun streaked into the half-covered windows and burned into Cloud's eyes. Moaning, he turned over and buried his face in the pillow. School started too early.

"Cloud! Cloud! Get up, Cloud!" Mom's morning chant drifted up the stairs.

It was so normal that Cloud could almost ignore it. He burrowed deeper into the pillow, tightening his sheets around him, and was about to fall back asleep when someone yanked all the sheets off his bed. "Get up, sleepy-head."

Cloud lifted his head off the pillow and glared at his mother. She grinned in return. "Just in case you didn't know, the sun has to wake up before he shines!"

"I'm not shining at all today," Cloud moaned, reaching for the blanket. Mom tossed it on the chair in the corner, still smiling, and left the room. A similar growl to his own sounded from Basch's room, and a few minutes after Mom passed by, Zack came blindly fumbling down the hall towards the bathroom, trailed by Seifer and Basch.

"I call the bathroom first!"

"I was in here first, dumbass." A door slammed shut. Pounding ensued.

Basch entered Cloud's room. "I'm using your bathroom."

Cloud leaned back in bed. "Hand me my blanket first."

Basch tossed the blanket at Cloud and went into the bathroom. Before shutting the door, he said, "I'll wake you up when I'm done."

At school, Cloud met up with Squall and Lu, both of whom looked fresh and pristine as they sat underneath the oak tree in front of their high school plaque. They clearly fared better than he had.

"You look like shit," Squall told him as he sat down next to him.

"It was too late to take a shower by the time I got up." Cloud ran his fingers through his oily blond hair and yawned. "I should have told my mom I was sick."

"It's close enough to the truth, anyway," Lu chimed in. "Did your mom catch you?"

"Nope, but Basch did."

"At least he won't ground you."

"He's worse. Hey, is that Rinoa?"

Squall and Lu both turned their heads to get a better look at what Cloud pointed at. Getting out of a shiny silver Porsche, the brunette flipped her hair and waved at her friends across the parking lot. Cloud had never particularly like Rinoa, ever since that one particular unfortunate event in Squall's life, but he hadn't seen in her a while and she looked…well…different.

Squall could point her out in any crowd. "Yeah, that's her. She looks the same to me."

"She layered her hair and put highlights in," Lu explained. "And she's wearing too thick of eyeliner. It doesn't look very good on her."

"I can't tell the difference."

Cloud shrugged. He didn't want to point out to either of them that Rinoa was very attractive in her new look, so he looked away with a sliver of disappointment sinking into the pit of his stomach.

"You have track practice today after school?" asked Lu.

"As always."

"You're ditching, though, right?" Squall asked, lifting a finely shaped eyebrow. It wasn't so much that he wanted to know if Cloud was ditching than it was if he was going to see Squall off.

At that thought, fear coursed through him—just for a second. It seemed as if everything got suddenly darker, as if someone had pulled a blanket over him, but it passed too quickly and Cloud found his breath again. "Of course." _I'm going to be spend as much time with you as possible before you are taken away_, Cloud vowed silently. _Before I never see you again_.

Lulu rose to her feet in one fluid motion and put a hand on Cloud's shoulder. "You look like you've just lost something," she pointed out.

Cloud wanted to point out that he did, but the bell sounded right when the words were ready to be uttered, and Squall cut them off. "We'd better get going."

He edged toward the looming gray buildings, but stopped when Lu and Cloud just stood there. "What?"

"I think Cloud's saying he'd rather skip school all together today."

Cloud looked up at Lulu, his blue eyes wide. "That's not it." But it certainly sounded good. The two hours they'd planned on seeing each other after school suddenly felt too short. Even a day felt too short. It wasn't nearly enough time to explain to Squall…everything…everything he felt for him, all his plans. A flutter rose in his stomach, and he quickly turned to Squall. "Let's do it."

"Well, I need to request that the registrar send my transcript to—"

Lulu waved her hand. "I'll do it for you. You guys have fun."

Cloud and Squall both looked at her. "You're not coming?"

"I live…lived…with Squall enough to last me a _lifetime_. I'll say goodbye later."

Cloud, however, loved Lu in that moment. It was amazing what girls knew. "Thanks, Lu."

"What, I've a test later on, okay? Now, go on, get out of my sight," she told them, turning and heading towards school.

As they walked off campus in a peaceful silence, Cloud didn't think about Basch, how Basch would flip out and send all his popular little buddies on a search to find him when he didn't show up at his car after school. He didn't think about that or how his mother would react when Basch promptly informed her. All he cared about was that he had a whole day to tell Squall he loved him.

/ - / - / - / - / - /

**Author's Note Again:** omg, it's too short and it wasn't supposed to end here, but the last sentence is a great way to end a chapter.

Please, _please_, review. I want to know what people think, I want to know what can make my story better, and I want to know of any mistakes (whether it's grammatical, or out-of-character-ness, or unoriginality, or whatever).

Also, this relationship with Squall is extremely important for later on, so it _is_ necessary to put into full detail. Don't worry, Squall's moving, so that's going to be the end of it, anyway…


	2. Chapter 2: Moving Away

**Disclaimer:** Don't own the rights to any Final Fantasy game; Square Enix does.

**Revamp 05/08/10 Note:** watch my word count dwindle as I cut out all unnecessary ravings!

**What They Leave Behind **

**Chapter 2**

_Moving Away_

Cloud and Squall headed toward the Street Corner Café, where they had first met back in junior high. Squall had first come to Midgar maybe a year before they had met to live with Cid and Matron, who fostered orphans. One of the older orphans, Ellone, had worked in the café around that time, and Squall had been so attached to her, her followed around everywhere so it was inevitable for her to take him to work with her one day—the same day Mom had taken Cloud and Basch to eat there.

It'd been a hard time, their father having left them for good only days before, and Mom had been trying to make the best of it. She'd even promised Disneyland as soon as they went on winter break.

Others were there, too. Rufus, the pompous ass of the school, had been there and had taken it upon himself to make fun of the orphan who had sat alone at the counter. Basch had gotten out of his seat, telling Mom he needed to use the restroom, and had instead intervened rather heatedly. He had pretty much told Rufus to stick a sock in it. Squall hadn't seemed grateful that someone else had to fight his battles for him, but Basch never ever seemed to notice when any negative emotions (mainly cold anger) were directed toward him. Basch had then taken Squall over to their table, since Squall and Cloud looked the same age, and made them talk. As if that wasn't enough, later that night, he had come into Cloud and Roxas's room to give Cloud a "talk" that boiled down to: "Be Squall's friend; he doesn't have any." Of course, Cloud owed Basch this heartbreak.

And since then, the Street Corner Café was their place.

As they walked up Midgar Main, Cloud felt the urge to grab Squall's hand and hold it, but he knew that he needed to explain himself before he did anything else in _that_ direction. He refrained and clenched his fist, only inches away from Squall's.

"What?" Squall finally prompted with a glance at Cloud's strained facial expression before swinging open the door and walking in.

Cloud followed and tried to look nonchalant with a brief roll of his shoulders. "Nothing, I'm just thinking about your going off to Balamb and me just staying here in the city."

He was relieved, if he could ever be so saying goodbye, when Squall didn't say, "We'll still be friends." It was exactly why he and Squall were friends; they didn't lie or say unnecessary words. Sometimes things were better left unsaid, and Squall didn't say anything. He wound his way through tables and sat at a table off in the corner (special treatment for Ellone's little "brother").

Cloud slipped into the booth and slouched over the table. He had the whole day to explain it, right? Did he really have to talk about it now?

They sat in a pool of silence as the waitress came up and took their orders. Cloud got a vanilla milkshake like he always did, and Squall ordered the chocolate one. Cloud commented how he wanted to try the chili-cheese burger that the place was famous for, like he always did, but still he ordered a grilled cheese sandwich.

"You're not talking," came Squall's even voice. Cloud hated the way Squall looked at him, with eyes that could see past any pretenses. Squall knew something was bothering him.

"I'm thinking."

"Well, I didn't ditch classes just to think," he said, stretching. "I could have done that in class. What do you want to do today?"

"I…well, I…guess I wanted to talk to you." Cloud fidgeted in his seat.

Squall didn't have to point out that Cloud hadn't seemed as if he was going to say anything for a while. He raised an eyebrow, waiting for Cloud to continue.

"About…um…about us. You're…you're my best friend." He'd say his only friend, but then he thought of Lulu, and the gentle smile when she gave him that knowing look. He thought of her deep understanding of things he'd never voiced and her sarcastic remarks and impatience; she, though she never intended for it, served as entertainment even.

Squall nodded. "I know. All because of your jackass brother and his self-righteousness."

Cloud forced a smile that Squall undoubtedly noted and then continued. "You're the only one I've ever been able to…I guess…talk to without feeling embarrassed or anything." He chuckled in spite of himself. "It's funny how I can tell you anything but this."

Squall didn't see it as funny, but then again, he was oblivious to everything than wasn't obvious.

"Squall…I think—"

"Here you are," cut in the waitress, bringing their meals and placing them in front of them. "Can I get you anything else?"

_Damn her_, thought Cloud. He had really been about to say it, and now he'd lost all nerve.

"No, thanks," Squall said, and she moved away. "You were thinking…?" he prompted.

"Oh, yeah, uh…" Cloud turned his gaze to his food, avoiding Squall's penetrating stare. He picked at his sandwich and tore a piece off, sticking it in his mouth.

Squall left his food untouched. "You were thinking?" he repeated.

Cloud swallowed the chunk down and closed his eyes, ordering his nerves to calm down. Taking a deep breath, he reopened them and decided that, if indeed Squall returned the feelings, he wanted this moment to be a good one, not entirely awkward. Forcing himself to make eye contact, he said, "I think I'm in love with you." In the silence that ensued, blood crept into his cheeks and he fidgeted a little more, finally focusing on his food.

When he looked up again, however, blush of deep crimson had crept into Squall's face as well. "You think or you know?" came his soft response.

Cloud's eyes widened. He _knew_. "I don't know."

Squall nodded. "It's okay. I feel the same way."

The blond's heart rate quickened and his face turned a darker shade of scarlet. "You feel the same way about me…?"

"Yeah." Squall smiled, faintly. "I didn't think you felt the same way, otherwise I would have said something earlier."

"Oh." A pause. "So what now?"

Squall rolled his shoulders and took a bite out of his chili-cheese burger. "I think we're going to finish eating."

"And then…?"

"And then I'm going to Balamb."

/ - / - / - / - / - /

Cloud ran as far as he could clear until the sun had disappeared behind Midgar's bulky buildings. He didn't care what condition he was in, he didn't care if he was going to the wrong place. He didn't care if he cut any cars off, or slipped, or ran through others' yards. He ignored the insistent pain in his side as he crossed half the city (at least Coach Valentine would approve of Cloud's practicing for the meet coming up).

Only when dusk settled did he changed course. He returned home unconsciously after that and hadn't realized it until he began to recognize the homes around him. He barely missed Tifa's shocked expression as she sat underneath the lit porch, half standing. She called his name, just in case he hadn't seen her, but he didn't stop.

He crossed the street and cut through the neighbor's driveway, blinking back any tears that might have returned and frantically searched his pockets for his house keys as he did so.

He jogged up the grass and saw Zack sitting on the porch swing, his head reclined and his feet up on the railing. Cloud turned his face away as he approached the door, and his hair fell naturally into his face. "What, are you and Basch lovers or something? Can't be without him for more than a second?" He slipped off his backpack and searched for the keys, still keeping his face concealed behind blond locks.

"If I'm here and Basch isn't, what does that say to—hey, you okay?" Zack jumped up and approached him, reaching out a hand. "Hey, Cloud."

_Where are those damn keys?!_ Cloud frantically unzipped the next zipper and fumbled through the loose pens and pencils. _Where are they?_

"Cloud, yo, man, I'm talking to you. Are you okay?" He bent down a little to look into Cloud's face.

Cloud turned his back to him, a rebellious tear threatening to spill. "Do you have to be so close? Go breathe on someone in your fan club, okay?"

_Clink. Yes!_ He dug a little deeper and came in contact with the cool metal. He pulled it out and sifted through the keys. Not that one, the silver one.

"Thought you were the president of it," Zack retorted weakly. "Man," he added quietly, "when I thought Basch was making a big deal out of you being gone, I didn't think he had reason to."

At that, Cloud glared at him and thrust the door open with his entire body. Using Squall's tagline, he said, "Whatever." He jogged upstairs with Zack hot on his heels.

"Hey, Cloud, c'mon, don't be sad."

"I'm not sad!" Cloud roared a little too loudly over his shoulder as he came up to his room.

"I saw those tears—"

_Slam!_ Cloud shot daggers with his narrowed eyes at the door as if daring Zack to knock on it now that it was shut. Just as he expected, Zack backed off, no doubt ready to wait for Basch and tell on him._ Fine, if Basch wants to "talk", he can talk to the door._ He hit the lock and collapsed onto the bed.

Squall had said it was fine, but it wasn't. Cloud wasn't fine with it. He shouldn't have ever said anything. It had been a horrible, stupid, deplorable idea. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

But why? Why was he so upset? He had been in love with Squall, and he told him, and he got the best answer he could have ever dreamed of. Squall loved him back, and Squall kissed him, and touched him with certain hands. He'd gotten everything he'd wanted, so why did he feel like crying?

It was because it wasn't what he'd wanted. Not even close. It had hurt and the kisses were hurried and Squall was gone. Squall had left. Granted not by his choice, but he was gone. And he would never feel the same fingers on his skin or the same lips pressed up against his.

And Squall had said it was _fine_.

Cloud buried his face in the pillow. He'd lost his best friend and his lover all in one day; it was not fine, nor would it ever be again.

It was less than twenty minutes before Basch pounded on the door. "Cloud, open the door!" he called, turning the knob ferociously. "You've got Zack worried—_Zack_—so I know something is wrong."

Cloud had half a mind not to respond, but he figured if he didn't, then it would invite Basch to break down the door. "I'm fine! I'm just sleeping."

"Cloud…Are you sure…you don't need to talk? I'm here."

"Yeah, I don't need to talk."

"You'd tell me if something was wrong, wouldn't you?"

Cloud despised that question, and it was a question that made him shudder with anger. It was as if Basch _knew_ he had known and had thrown it in his face. He snarled in response, and then added less ferociously, "Of course I would!"

"I'll help you with anything; you just have to ask." Each word came at Cloud like a knife to his chest. Breathing became erratic and hard, and he gasped. "You don't have to hold in."

"And you don't have to sound like the shrinks in the movies we have to watch in Psych!" he returned and then immediately hoped his quietly spoken words hadn't carried to his brother and curling up into a tightly-knit ball.

"I heard that! I just don't want you to do something stupid out of desperation, not like…" he trailed off. Cloud filled in the blanks, muttering to himself and hugging himself more tightly. It was too hard, sometimes. When he thought about it, and now Squall too had left him. Would Basch never forget that, too?

Wait, what was he saying? Squall had no choice. His new foster home was in Balamb, the state wouldn't put the transfer on hold just because Cloud wanted to spend more time with his best friend. How could he have even thought that?

"I'm trying to go to bed; can you stop trying to psychoanalyze me? You're making it hard to fall asleep!"

"I wasn't—okay—well, goodnight, Cloud. I'll be in my room if you need me."

And the silence descended on Cloud's darkened room like snow, quiet and cold—beautiful and welcome and despised all at once. He clamped his eyes shut and prayed for a comfortable, dreamless sleep, but Sleep never came to sprinkle its dust over his pillow.

Instead, he stared at Roxas's empty bed, cast in the bright red and green Christmas lights outside the window. Cloud turned over. Not tonight. Roxas marked the beginning, and now Squall left. He rolled out of bed, groaning. Why did they have to go? He crossed the space in between their beds and slipped into Roxas's bed. _Maybe I'll sleep better here tonight_.

Wishful thinking, he knew, but he closed his eyes and willed Sleep to overcome his racing mind. He hadn't cried—only a tear or two had escaped—but that didn't stop the pain that was twisting in his chest. It hurt, and now Basch had brought Roxas into the mess. Roxas and his stupid empty bed.

Hours passed with Cloud tossing and turning and no product. Cursing, he crawled out of bed and sighed.

He didn't bother knocking on Basch's door, he just opened the door wide enough for him to slip through and shut it immediately, drowning out the hallway light with utter darkness. He remembered that the last time he'd snuck down the hallway to slip in Basch's bed was at least ten years ago.

Basch asked him what he was doing in his room with an incoherent nasal grunt, and Cloud sat on the edge of the bed, wiping his eyes. "Can we talk now?"

"Huh? Talk? Ugh, sure. Hm, turn on the light," murmured Basch, shifting in his sheets. Cloud reached over his bed and turned the lamp on. Dim yellow light filled the room and shone on Basch, his blond hair wild and his eyes half shut from the sudden onslaught of light. "What's up, Cloud?"

"Where's Zack and Seifer? Don't they always flock to our house, now?"

Basch frowned and sat up, leaning into his headboard. "Zack has been sleeping over because his parents are on vacation and they don't trust him to stay at his house alone. And he's at Seifer's tonight."

"Seifer. His other lover."

Basch rolled his eyes but allowed a small smile. He reached over and ruffled Cloud's hair. "Feeling better?"

Cloud shook his head. Half of him wanted to curl up next to Basch, but his logical half told him it was childish and reminded him he wanted to keep Squall's lingering touch on his skin as long as possible. "Squall's gone."

"Gone?"

"Yeah. He moved to a new foster home in Balamb." Cloud bowed his head.

"Why didn't you say something?"

"Dunno."

Basch rubbed his face, either to get the sleep out of his eyes or out of irritation, and heaved a heavy sigh. "You should have said something. I didn't know. I can't believe Seifer didn't even tell me! Does this have anything to do with you staying out late last night?"

Cloud slumped his shoulders, feeling a surge of fear pulse through his veins once more. He hugged his stomach, fearing a stomachache, and peered at Basch through thick eyelashes. Basch looked worried. He reached out and annoyingly ruffled Cloud's hair again. "You gonna be fine?"

At that word, tears threatened to spill out. Cloud turned his face toward the shadows and nodded. "I think so."

Basch's strong hand came down on Cloud's shoulder and he squeezed. "It doesn't sound like it. Hey, Cloud, I know it seems like—"

"He said it would be _fine_," Cloud blurted out, unable to contain these words. "He _lied_. For the first time, he's lied to me and it's the last time I'll ever see him." Closing his eyes, he willed the tears away. He would not cry about this. He'd lost love before, this was no different.

"And I'm sure he meant it. There'll be other friends."

_He wasn't just a friend_, Cloud wanted to tell him, but he was frightened of what Basch would say, of what he would do. He couldn't handle it if he lost his other brother, too. "He was my _best_ friend."

"And what about Lu?"

Cloud shrugged out of Basch's iron grip and scooted farther down the bed from him. "She's all right," he replied, feeling the tears melt away and he breathed a sigh of relief. Storm passed, mission accomplished. For now. "But she's not my best friend, and what if she has to go to another foster home, too?"

"There are others. Hey, if worse comes to worse, you can always hang out with me. Zack and Seifer love you."

A smile ghosted across Cloud's lips. "Love to torture me."

The relief Basch felt was apparent in his expression as he finally broke out in a grin. "You _are_ fun to tease sometimes, you make funny expressions."

"And that's supposed to make me feel better? I bet I've made some pretty funny expressions tonight," he said as a weak joke, but a blush crept into his cheeks as he thought of what he'd done earlier with Squall.

Basch didn't seem to notice the blush. He continued without pause. "Well, you never allow them to see the real you, so you leave them little options on how to behave around you. I'm sure if Zack and Seifer knew the real you, then they wouldn't tease you…as much."

You _don't even know the real me_, Cloud thought darkly. "Maybe," Cloud conceded.

"So you feel better, Cloud? Not going to throw yourself off a cliff over your first love?"

Cloud's eyes shot to Basch's face. "What?"

Basch rolled his eyes. "Never mind. Can I get back to sleep or do you need me to change your diapers, too?" He pulled back the layers of sheets he had and patted the mattress.

"Stop with the baby jokes; they don't suit you," Cloud mumbled, laying down in bed. He was careful, though, to sleep with a good distance between him and his brother. For Squall.

/ - / - / - / - / - /

**Author's Note:** Right, so who thinks Cloud and Squall had a sex? - raises hand - I think so too. I did say there was smut, and there will be, but I didn't want to go into detail with Squall and Cloud, since they don't make up the main pairing. I've thought about it, and it's clearly a rather traumatic thing for him, so it wouldn't be entirely horrible to have included it. I really do like the way I did it, since I wanted Cloud's problem with it to be...rather...subtle. So if you can guess it, great, if you can't, you're not missing much.

I did change Squall's character, though. I usually find Squall the easiest character to write because he and I are really similar, and I can normally hit the mark when it comes down to him, but I changed him, for some reason, because I don't want Cloud dominant, so that means that Squall has to be a bit more dominant, so he needed to be...different. He's gone now, though, so I don't care so much if he's out of character. I said "so" three times in two sentences. :(

Anyway, thank you so much for all the reviews; they were wonderful and they inspired me to write lots more. I'd like to hear from you all again to know your opinions. If I piss you off or repulse you with something in the story, I'd really like to know, and maybe I'll see your way and change it. Or if you absolutely loved it, I'd still like to hear from you. After all, I need _some_ reason to continue.


	3. Chapter 3: School

**Disclaimer:** still don't own any rights to any Final Fantasy games; Square Enix does.

**Revamped 05/26/10**

**What They Leave Behind**

**Chapter 3**

_School_

The days faded by, first one, then two; and then a week, maybe two, had passed. Cloud had skipped school quite a bit, and Basch had conveniently "forgotten" to wake Cloud up in the morning, so Cloud couldn't be angry with him. Cloud slept for a few days, getting up to run and shower, then back off to bed. But Mom caught on, so soon he was heading back to school.

The first day back, he'd gotten out of Basch's worn-down pickup truck-more like _thrown_ out by Seifer. He'd immediately spotted Lu sitting on the brick wall encasing the oak tree, and she hadn't seen him yet, so he'd made a quick to decision to bypass her and wait outside his first period classroom.

Faces had never looked particularly friendly at Midgar High, but now it seemed as if all faces were distorted. They lost any sort of human appearance to Cloud, and so he avoided their prowling eyes. He stared at his feet as he wandered through the halls, carefully sidestepping around others'. Nobody seemed to notice, except Lulu, who actually only attempted to speak to him once the whole day, and when he moved around her without so much as a glance, she didn't bother him after that. Out of anyone, though, he figured Lu would understand.

A few days of this made Basch even more worried, though he no longer waited outside Cloud's room until he was asleep (and Cloud knew this solely because he could hear Basch's jock friends patronizing him from downstairs) and no longer did he try to lecture Cloud. However, Cloud wasn't sure he liked Basch's new strategy.

It started one particular day at lunch. Cloud had discovered a new place, an empty place, to have lunch without Lulu's worried eyes trained on him, or Basch's nervous glances over his shoulder in his direction. It was a peaceful little place behind the pool area on the grass-granted it was in the sun, but during the winter, the bright sun and the cool, damp breeze balanced out the temperature perfectly.

He came here for lunch, away from everyone else, and he sat on the grass, deep in thought. So on that day, he was there when a soft voice disrupted him.

"There you are."

He turned around to see Aerith Gainsborough, Zack's girlfriend, and Terra Branford, Basch's girlfriend. They stood side-by-side, pale and serene, with angelic smiles playing on their faces. He had known Terra the longest, only because she was on the track team with Cloud. She was a bit shy, but she was sweet and tried her best to befriend anyone around. Aerith, her best friend, always came to practice, and he'd spoken to her on more than one occasion.

"We were looking for you," Aerith continued, stepping forward.

"Does Basch have everyone on the search?" Cloud had to ask.

Aerith giggled and exchanged glances with Terra. "_Almost_," she replied. "We want you to come sit with us."

Cloud frowned. "Basch thinks he has to be my _friend_ now?"

Aerith shook her head. "No, no, no. He just doesn't want you to be by yourself."

Cloud pouted and folded his arms across his chest. "Well, I would much rather—"

"Cloud, m'boy!"

"Oh, God," groaned Cloud looking behind Aerith and Terra to see Zack and Basch turn around the gym corner and head their way.

Aerith turned around. "Don't talk to Cloud like that, Zack. He's only a year younger."

Zack stood next to Cloud and tousled his hair. "You don't mind, do ya, Cloudy?"

Cloud pushed him away with a growl. "As a matter of fact, I—"

Zack cut him off. "Let's go, I'm starving." He latched onto Cloud's wrist and tugged him back the way he came. "Don't put up a fight, kid, or I might just have to carry you there. I know how much you'd like being thrown over my shoulder for everyone to see." At that, Cloud dug his feet into the grass and pulled in the opposite direction, doubling his attempts to extricate himself from Zack's death-grip. Zack stopped and grinned, swiveling around to shine his face on Cloud. "You really want me to? Okay, well—"

"Zack," muttered Basch, shaking his head.

Zack shrugged. "I'm doing this in his best interest, Basch, m'man."

Basch shook his head again and continued walking, Terra and Aerith with him.

Zack tugged him forward again. "C'mon, you'll like hanging out with us. I mean, how often does Cloud Strife get to be sitting with the popular kids? Um, like never," he answered himself smugly.

Cloud growled, but decided his best course of action would be caving in. If he went along nicely, it would save him the embarrassment and would make everything go by more quickly. After winter break, he'd just need to find a better way to escape them.

Once they came up to their lunch table in the very center of the cafeteria, Zack put both hands on Cloud's shoulders and pressed him down onto the bench. "You can sit next to me, kid."

"Zack, _really_, now." Aerith pressed her lips together in a frown and then shot him a reprimanding look.

"You can talk to me like I'm a kid, but you won't let me talk to Cloud like he's a kid?" Zack gaped at her, then readied his puppy-dog eyes.

She rolled her eyes. "He doesn't act like he's a child."

"And I do?" Fake hurt flashed across his face.

Cloud folded his arms across his chest and looked away, unimpressed. He was forced away from his quiet time for _this_? He sighed and tried tuning out Zack's annoying whine and Aerith's motherly reproofing.

A cool hand hesitantly touched his shoulder, a feathery light touch almost unnoticeable. He would have ignored it, but he couldn't. If there was something about Terra Branford, it was that she had an amazing ability to remain invisible, except when she looked at you. Her snowy blue eyes and intent gaze drew Cloud away from staring at the exit and to her own face.

She offered a tentative smile. "Are you coming to practice today? Coach is worried about you."

Of course, he was worried. Cloud had all but quit his team. He figured, though, he'd missed more than a week's worth of practice—shouldn't Coach Valentine kick him off already? Because that was basically what he wanted. In a nutshell.

Cloud shrugged. "Probably not."

She hesitated, her smile fading, before continuing. "I think," she said, her voice just above a whisper, "you'd feel better. Whatever has you down, it goes away when you…do stuff. Like run."

Terra was always trying to help. That was what made her an angel. But it was unwanted help.

"Sure," Cloud conceded coolly.

She bit her lower lip, withdrawing her hand. "If you don't feel up to it, I understand. But maybe you'd like to run…without the team. I know I like running when I have something on my mind. It clears everything up, I think. Running with people seems to…maybe, taint my thoughts a bit. But when I'm by myself…I can think things through carefully. I know this—"

"So it's Saturday tomorrow..." Zack broke in and trailed off, looking into everyone's eyes evenly, one by one, with big hopeful blue eyes. When everyone returned puzzled stares, he looked to his nearest victim—Cloud—and nudged him. "_Saturday_, huh. As in, no school Saturday. As in let's go to the beach and get wasted. Yeah?"

Seifer scratched his chin. "The beach?" And then his eyed Rinoa in a less-than-subtle way, then agreed. "I'm game."

Aerith looked as if she regretted ever agreeing to date Zack. Terra looked down at her cold fingers, and Basch shrugged. "Whatever."

"Cloud? You wanna come, too, right?"

Cloud narrowed his eyes at him. _He's got to be kidding me_, he thought to himself.

"Well?" Zack prompted.

"Of course not."

"He'll come," put in Basch firmly.

"Doesn't he have to ask Mommy first?" asked Seifer.

Cloud growled. "First I have to ask myself if I want to spend my entire free day off with a bunch of loudmouthed losers, and after that, it doesn't matter what anyone else says. And, just in case you're wondering, I'm not being dragged along. And even if I _did_ want to spend my free Saturday with you, what makes you think I want to go to the beach in the middle of _winter_?"

"He'll come," Basch reassured them. Cloud glared.

Zack, grinning, wrapped an arm around Cloud's shoulder and said, "Don't worry, I'll keep you warm," shocking Cloud enough to stand up and jump away, his heart pounding and blood flushing his face. Surprised, Zack stared at him. Cloud stared back, not daring to look at anyone else's face. Then he turned abruptly and walked away (passing Lulu, who looked up from her book hopefully). He could feel their eyes trained on him as he exited the cafeteria. The blessing here would be that Basch let him go.

Cloud stalked off into the track area, far removed from the rest of school and most likely off limits without supervision, hoping he'd miss Couch Valentine. He _would_ take Terra's advice and run—not just because one of the sweetest girls he knew suggested it but because he'd been thinking the same thing. Sometimes running helped clear his mind. Except he wasn't going to run on the track—exactly where Basch could find him any minute and drag him home. No, he was heading to the track field because he happened to know of an escape route there. It seemed as if he couldn't run enough, but if he just kept running, maybe the stormheads plaguing his thoughts would clear up.

He tried not remembering when he'd first come across the hole in the chain-link fence, but the memories of Squall were not yet bound behind a wall of mortar and stone. They could seep through the cracks where the mortar wasn't dry enough, and it happened now and then—when he was feeling the weakest.

As he approached the field, he snapped back to attention, hearing Coach Valentine's soft voice wash across the vast green field as he attempted to calm Yuffie, an annoying teammate. Coach Valentine figured if he caught her at lunch and after school practices, he could figure out a way to transfer all of her energy into running energy instead of other...er...energy, leaving her calmer outside the track and a more enduring runner inside the track.

Cloud immediately skirted them, crossing to the other side of the field using the cool metallic bleachers and its blinding reflection of the sun's rays to hide himself from view. He passed through the break in the two, stealthily creeping across the open territory and safely making it to the next set of bleachers. Safe, he let out a deep breath and then headed to the fence with a hole.

The hole was behind the bleachers, so he figured the school's handy man would not notice it, since he didn't spend much time stomping around beneath the bleachers and around the back fence. Cloud had noticed it that one football game that Basch made him go to-the time where Zack had given him those puppy dog eyes and Seifer had promised not to get him drunk and take pictures of him stripping at the after party—as long as he didn't have to hear Basch whining the entire game that his kid brother was stuck at home, brooding because of…no, he couldn't go there.

Cloud peeled back the loose layer of fence and ducked underneath, silently putting the flap back in place before walking away. He wasn't sure where he was going, except that he was going somewhere else.

But, really, why _couldn't_ he think about it? Wasn't the first step in healing all about admitting a problem and then dealing with it only then? If R-_he_ was part of the problem, and Squall, too, why couldn't he think about them? Time clearly wasn't healing those gaping wounds that Roxas had inflicted on Cloud's heart. Maybe he did need to think about it, really think about it, and then move on.

Cloud ran his fingers through his hair. No, he wasn't going to think about Roxas, and he wasn't going to think about Squall either.

Just their faces burning vividly in his mind was enough of a reminder that he could never think about them as carelessly or freely as he once had. Tears would come now. It would have been okay if it had just been Roxas, it would have been okay with just Squall, but it was both of them, and that was hard. Too hard.

And the worst part of it was that Basch had to have known. He had to have known that Cloud had known, too. He must have taken every opportunity, every moment when Cloud was down, to remind him that he had known, and it hadn't mattered in the end. "You'd tell me if something was wrong, wouldn't you?" Making it clear he was "all ears" for the ones he loved and cared for.

Cloud closed his eyes, hesitating in his stride. It was difficult to resist the urge to step out in front of one of the speeding cars pealing down the street beside him.

And he sighed. Jolting forward, he shot down the street, running full speed. He needed this run more than anything. _Concentrate on your breathing, just keep moving, ignore heart pounding, blood roaring in ears. Just move. Just forget_. And that's all he wanted to do.

He moved through the streets of Midgar as if its map was burned into his eyelids. He turned here without checking the street sign and swerved down this alley without looking at the stores flanking it. He knew where to go even if tears and icy winter wind blinded him. He raced through the park, blindly passing the kids in the park and their parents chatting up a storm with like parents.

It always came down to this. It wasn't fair at all. But when had life been fair? His stupid father hadn't played fairly, his brother wasn't fair—hell, even Basch wasn't fair. Basch was…Basch was…well, Cloud couldn't say it. Somewhere, on some level, he knew that Basch was good to him, that he loved Cloud more than anything and only wanted Cloud to be healthy, content, and responsible—to be perfect, in other words.

Cloud cut through a path in the park, the overgrown bushes scratching his bare wrists as he brushed past them.

Ha, perfect. If Basch only knew what Cloud was really upset about. That he'd offered Squall everything willingly because he'd expected something perfect, and it turned out only to hurt him more.

If only he'd known that Cloud had a big flaw—that he liked men. No, not men in general. Squall. Squall was the only man he'd looked at and saw as attractive and…sexy, even. Squall had been the one…but Basch would have been disgusted with that. Perfection, Cloud could never attain such a thing!

He didn't realize he was tired and running on empty; he didn't even know how long he'd been running, only that quite some time had passed. No, not until a while after a familiar voice swept over him. It was a friendly voice, a little deeper than it had been a year ago, but it was still familiar. After all, it was a voice that was the most recognizable, second to Basch's.

Zack Fair started to jog along side Cloud's slowing form. Zack wasn't much of a runner, but he had plenty of discipline—being in football—and he hadn't looked as if he hadn't been running all that much. He did, however, wear dark gray sweats and a matching hoodie as if he was some professional jogger or something. His form was good, too—his back was straight to facilitate breathing, his arms were bent and held tightly to his body to stabilize himself, each stride he took was balanced and fitting, something to maintain his speed for quite some time.

He only muttered a "Heya, how ya doin', Cloud?" before falling in line beside Cloud, shoulder to shoulder, and didn't seem to mind the fact that Cloud didn't respond.

Cloud was too tired to be annoyed, and entirely too accustomed to "big brother" intervention. Zack and Seifer normally intervened because of Basch's one-track mind, but Zack was too caring for his own good. He, though, had never really treated Cloud as anything other than amusement, which was why Cloud was relatively surprised that Zack had noticed him tearing up and seemed genuinely concerned.

Cloud chose to say nothing as he ran, even though saying nothing was an invitation for the self-absorbed football player to yap incessantly until Cloud ran away (and outran him successfully). He concentrated on each footfall and his breathing, counting each breath.

And they continued running. Cloud found himself on his thousandth breath before he realized that he hadn't heard one word from Zack during the entire counting process. He peered at Zack out of the corner of his eye, and Zack seemed entirely zoned out, in some peaceful world created by a clear mind and lots of running. A smile tugged at Zack's lips slightly as he thought of something stupid like tripping Cloud down the flight of stairs before them.

At that thought, Cloud changed course, preferring to stumble down a steep hill where he was hidden by brush and tree instead of being purposely tripped, stumbling down a flight of stairs, and in front of a bunch of girls eating lunch nonetheless.

Smoothly, as if Cloud had instantaneously sent the same thought to Zack, Zack veered away from the path with him, their shoulders still only inches apart. Zack didn't question the sudden movement or protest despite the steepness of the hill, and that seemed to make all the more difference.

It was in that moment, however, that Cloud realized something important. It hadn't been until Zack showed up that his thoughts weren't wrapped around Roxas or Squall—or throwing himself in front of a school bus. His thoughts were, more or less, blank. As they should have been. Maybe twinged with anger or irritation, but those were good signs, right?

They passed by a neighboring high school, Kalm High School, Home of the Wolverines, when Cloud finally opened his mouth. "Nothing to say, Zack?" The silence was too deafening to endure…he had to break it. He had to bait Zack into talking. Zack wasn't Zack unless his mouth was wide open and his tongue was flapping uselessly within.

Zack rolled his shoulders. "Uh, I don't…uh…normally talk when…I can….hardly breathe," he panted back. "Makes it…uh…harder to run, right?"

Cloud agreed.

His stomach rumbled when the smell of greasy fries filled his nostrils. Oh, what he wouldn't do for just a bite…

He was trying to convince his mouth there wasn't any reason to salivate when the large neon sign flashed in front of him—the Street Corner Café.

He couldn't help the wince or the stumbling. He slowed to a jog and then slowed to a stop, bending over and breathing deeply between his knees. Zack was there, groaning and stretching as if he, too, needed a break—though he'd been running considerably less than Cloud had been. Though Cloud was impressed by Zack's endurance.

"You okay, Cloud?"

_That's our café, that's where Squall and I…_He looked up at Zack, trying to school his expression to calm. "I'm hungry."

Zack straightened up. "You should be. C'mon, let's go get something. I don't know about you, but I would give my left nut right now for one of those bacon avocado burgers, a large order of fries soaked in vanilla ice cream. Oooh, yeah! I can taste it in my mouth already!"

Cloud grimaced. "If you're going to eat that, I'm certainly not sitting with you. I think I might lose my appetite."

Zack rolled his eyes. "C'mon, I'll hide my food behind a menu or something." At least he was trying to be nice.

"They take the menus away after you order."

"I'll tell them I want it just in case I want to order dessert later."

Cloud stood up straight, ignoring the sharp pain stabbing him in the side, and nodded. His stomach wasn't merciful, he couldn't deny food was necessary. He had skipped breakfast and had been too disgusted with Basch, Zack, and Seifer to eat lunch—and he'd spend the larger part of the day running. Not good. He followed Zack inside.

"A table for two, por favor," Zack said, leaning across the counter, flashing a charming grin at the all too familiar middle-aged woman standing behind it.

She didn't seem impressed. Her face just as impassive as before, she said, doggedly, "Right this way." Her tone informed Cloud that she got that all the time from customers.

They slid into their booth and ordered their drinks—Zack intent on a vanilla milkshake—even though he was craving strawberry, he couldn't very well dip his fries in a strawberry shake ("That's just gross.") and Cloud all right with a Pepsi. It felt odd, sitting at a window seat, with the setting sun pouring in through the tall windows onto their small table, ordering a soda, sitting across from someone opposite of Squall.

He stared down at his hands, sweaty, and he briefly told himself to go wash them, but his body refused to move. He had pushed it too far. His muscles ached and cried out at each movement, and soon he gave up.

He glared up at Zack, who was grinning madly at him, and asked, "So how much is Basch paying you?"

Zack's eyes widened and then he viciously shook his head. "No, no, no, he didn't send me."

Cloud lifted an eyebrow.

Zack shrugged one shoulder and then motioned to Cloud with a wave of his hand. "You're like a little brother to me. I'm worried about you, you know?"

Cloud snorted. Worry was not in Zack's vocabulary. "I don't need another big brother. What I _need_ is a…" _a friend_. Cloud couldn't voice that word anymore. Not after Squall.

"What you need is a friend, Cloud," Zack said gently, the grin now diminished to a small smile. "And I want you to know that I'm here."

"Basch says that, I think you and he both should shove it up your asses."

Zack chuckled, but his expression evened out. His blue eyes filled with that incorrigible concern. "I saw you crying that day, Cloud. I will admit that I've never really thought of you as anything but my best friend's kid brother, but that day, I don't know. I saw something I never saw before. I hate when people are sad."

Cloud stiffened and stared at the waitress serving the table across the way. "You can just pretend like you didn't see it. Then we'll both be okay."

"I can't. I feel bad. I mean, I know it sucks that you lost your best friend and everything, but—"

"So," interrupted the waitress, "have you decided what you'll have for dinner?" She carefully placed their drinks in front of them and tossed straws to them. She flipped open her writing pad and waited.

Zack broke out in a grin and said a little too proudly, "I'll take a bacon avocado cheeseburger and fries. Oh…and onion rings."

Cloud shot him a disgusted look and then started to answer, but the waitress interrupted. "A grilled cheese sandwich, right?"

He flushed. Yes, that's exactly what he was going to order, but then…the thought of it was disturbing. That was the last thing he'd eaten. He'd poured his heart and soul out to Squall and hid in the blissful pleasures of cheese while Squall took an eternity to sort out his own thoughts to coherently convey them to Cloud.

He shook his head. "Uh, no, not this time. Um, I'll take…I'll take what he's having."

Zack couldn't help his surprise. As the waitress strode away, Zack beamed. "See, you didn't think it was gross after all. I mean—"

Cloud looked down at his hands, clasped and set carefully on top of the table, and closed his eyes. Squall was in his life too much. He needed…he needed to break away from that. "I just need something different," he muttered. It was more to himself than to Zack, but Zack had heard.

"Yeah," he replied excitedly. Cloud was sure Zack had no idea what he was really talking about, so he wasn't quite sure why Zack sounded so excited. "Something different. That sounds like a good game plan. Different. I never expected you to be the optimistic type! I'm glad you are, though. You'll need it to pull through! I mean, how can you survive on grilled cheeses when you can't get a better meal than a bacon avocado cheeseburger?"

Cloud stared at him. He didn't want to know.

"Hey, Cloud," said Zack somewhere in the middle of their meal.

"What?" Cloud didn't bother to look up from his plate; he knew the mess he would find if he did. Zack had a hard time keeping the shake from dripping all over his fries and burger, and the thought of it was making Cloud a bit queasy.

"I know I come on a bit intense, you know, but I'm not bad, right?"

Not bad? Cloud looked up (briefly) to measure the seriousness in Zack's eyes. He seemed sincere. Was he okay? Cloud shrugged. "Not bad, I guess."

Zack relaxed, slouching over his food again. "Good. You're not bad either."

Another silence.

"Hey, Cloud."

"What?"

"You have money, right? 'Cuz I don't."

/ - / - / - / - / - /

**Author's Note:** Well, I think the chapter went quite well, don't you? Tell me what you think! I thought for a moment that everything is going by so quickly, but then I thought about it some more, and I think the pace is fine. It will even out later, but for now these are necessary steps.

Also, Cloud and Zack are far from lovers at this point. Zack is worried, just as he said, because he saw Cloud cry. He didn't think it was possible (he didn't give much credit to Cloud being human, just Basch's little brother), so seeing Cloud cry was a wake-up call. He's certainly curious, but that doesn't make him in love. And Zack has another "attraction" to Cloud, but I'm not going to say what it is yet! Just know Zack has more than one thing that makes him worried about or want to talk to Cloud about.


	4. Chapter 4: It Snows

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the rights to anything in the Final Fantasy games; Square Enix does.

**Revamped (07/22/2011) Note: **Some of the writing/phrasing is pretty bad, but as I go over my old chapters, I realize how awesome my story-telling is. This is a good story, and I love reading it and it only gets better when I start fleshing it out in later chapters. It needs a lot of polishing (which needs time I don't have) but even the lack of luster doesn't get in the way too much of the intrigue and the drama!

**What They Leave Behind**

**Chapter 4**

_It Snows_

Zack and Cloud walked home, and Zack talked most of the way. The great thing about the dufus was that he was so engrossed in his own stories that he didn't bother to assess whether the people around him actually listened. Cloud appreciated it the same way he appreciated Squall's silence.

Cloud only shivered in his school clothes beside him and thought about what he'd do. Because he was, after all, going to be okay.

They turned down Cloud's street, passing Tifa's house—and like always, she was outside on her front porch, bundled up in layers of sweaters. She stood up when she saw them rounding the corner and hurried down the driveway to meet them when they were passing. "Hey, Cloud! Hey, Zack!"

Cloud could have just continued on, and he would have if Zack hadn't taken the opportunity to stop and chat. He stifled a sigh as he turned to face them, keeping a good deal of space between them. He didn't bother returning the greeting—Zack was talkative enough for the both of them. "Hey, Tifness, what's up?"

She rolled her eyes at the nickname and sighed. "You never change, do you?"

"No, he doesn't," Cloud replied.

Her face lit up at that, as if she remembered why she had called out to them in the first place. "I haven't seen you in a while. I thought you were dead or something, and then you were at school, but I never had a chance to say anything. How have you been, Cloud?"

Since when did Tifa care? She was just that neighbor who was too good to consort with Cloud. Right? "Okay, I guess."

She nodded enthusiastically. "It's hard when friends move, but don't worry, you'll find new friends."

How did she know about this? He pressed his lips in a firm, straight line and shot a death glare at his house, in Basch's direction. It _might_ have had something to do with him. Great, if Tifa knew, then everyone knew. _Just what I needed, _he thought darkly.

Zack was suddenly right beside Cloud, as if trying to take some of the spotlight Tifa poured on him. He shifted his weight around before throwing an arm across Cloud's shoulder. Cloud bit the inside of his cheek and looked away, determined not to make a scene.

"He already found a new friend," Zack stated proudly. "Me. What more could he ask for?"

"Hmm, that might be a toughie," Cloud murmured.

Tifa laughed. "If you ever get tired of Mr. Chatterbox over here, I'm always around, Cloud."

Zack rolled his eyes and squeezed Cloud closer to him, oblivious to the sudden stiffness that overcome Cloud's body. "That won't be necessary, Tifa, but if you insist on marking him your boyfriend, I just might have to share him with you. Oh, but you might want to get Basch's permission first. He might have to murder you if you guys went out or something."

Blood suddenly clouded Tifa's white porcelain cheeks, and she raked her fingers through her long dark hair. "Uh, we'll…see."

"You don't have to ask Basch," Cloud said firmly, daring Zack to insist once more.

Instead, Zack tossed his head back and laughed. Cloud frowned. "What?"

Zack made the faintest nod in Tifa's direction, and Cloud noticed Tifa's face had burned to a darker shade of red. "_Oh_," Cloud intoned, but he still wasn't sure what he'd said that was so funny or what he had done to deepen her blush.

She backed up, her face still burning. "Okay, well, I hope you feel better. Come over if you ever feel like it." She turned and headed back up her driveway, not looking back over her shoulder until just before she slammed the door shut behind her.

"She's pretty cute, isn't she?" Zack asked him, winking.

Cloud gave him a disgusted look and turned away. "Are you staying with my brother tonight or are you staying at your other lover's house?"

Zack didn't seem fazed. He fell in step with Cloud and replied, "Neither. My parents are home. But I thought I'd walk you home, return you safely to Basch's warm, welcoming arms."

Cloud stopped and swiveled around, blocking Zack's path, his bright blue eyes murderously daring his enemy to continue down that road.

Zack took a cautionary step back, scratching his head and chuckling nervously. "It's a joke, I swear. Calm down, kid. I'm sure Basch isn't home right now anyway. Sheesh."

Cloud didn't bother to say anything. He pivoted on his heel and trudged up his own driveway, Zack trailing behind him. Tugging off his back pack, he unzipped the front pocket and dug around for his keys. Zack waited there, bouncing and swaying to some tune in his head. Cloud touched cool metal and dragged the keychain out. Unlocking the door, he said without looking over his shoulder at the senior, "You're not invited inside."

As expected, however, Zack's large hands prevented him from completely shutting the door. Gritting his teeth, he thrust his whole body's weight into the side of the door to keep Zack out, but he resisted. "Hey, c'mon, Cloudy, you know you can't live without me!"

"Great," muttered Cloud, ramming up against the door once and earning an "ooph!" from Zack, and backed away as he heard Basch's footsteps as they pounded down the stairwell.

"Hey, Cloud, Zack, what's up?" He stood at the base of the stairs, his hand on the railing, and watched as Cloud abandoned the lost cause and struggle to brush past him. He tried to catch Cloud's tricep and swing him around to face him, but Cloud was a little faster and informed them he was taking a shower-and that Zack probably needed an emergency shower, too, since his stench was quickly overcoming the clean smell of their home. Cloud's last sight of those two was Basch's frown and Zack lifting up the collar of his shirt to take a whiff.

/ - / - / - / - / - /

Cloud was up early the next morning. As soon as he'd taken a shower, he'd all but passed out and didn't wake up once throughout the night. He made up his bed and dressed in some loose fitted jeans and a snug long sleeved shirt and headed down to breakfast. Mom was up and out of the house with Mrs. Loire already—shopping for Christmas gifts, of course. Basch, however, was downstairs early, which took Cloud by surprise.

"Why are you up so early?" asked Cloud, stepping into the sunny kitchen and peering at Basch, who sat in the far corner, sipping orange juice and crunching on Frosted Flakes.

Basch shrugged. "We're going up to the mountains. It rained a few days ago, remember? So there's a bunch of snow up there."

"We?"

His brother nodded. "Me, Terra, Aerith, Zack, Rinoa, and Seifer," Basch listed and then added as an afterthought, "and a few others."

Cloud bit his bottom lip. _I just need something different._ Maybe he could go with Basch. He didn't have to participate or look like an idiot as he fell on his ass while snowboarding, but maybe he could watch and would feel better. Nobody'd notice he was there if he came willingly, right? If there wasn't a struggle, Seifer and Zack would surely back off, and Cloud could just…_be_.

He reached up into the cabinet and took out a clean bowl, debating whether he should say something to Basch. His brother never hesitated to try to force Cloud into going everywhere with him, so the fact that Basch hadn't offered…well, perhaps he didn't want Cloud to go. Or maybe Basch wasn't really going to the mountains? Well, no, it seemed like Zack's plan. Zack would certainly like being in the snow.

He softly set the bowl on the counter and then he looked over to Basch. "Hey, um, can I come, too?"

Basch looked up, his green eyes studying Cloud carefully. "You _want_ to go?"

Cloud frowned. "Why the suspicion?"

"N-I just...are you sure?"

Cloud nodded.

Basch's eyes widened as he examined Cloud. "Well, um, okay. Do you have anything warm to wear? Do you still have that coat Mom bought you when we went to visit Grandma on the east coast?"

Cloud rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah. I'm not a baby. You don't need to _dress_ me, _mother_," Cloud grumbled, pouring some cereal and milk into the bowl and making a place for him to eat at the table.

Basch didn't hear him. He was looking outside with a thoughtful expression. "You can wear my long underwear. I doubt you have any, and you'll need it more than me. You can wear my boots, too."

Cloud pinched the bridge of his nose, just like Squall always did, and sighed. "Basch, can you just treat me like you would treat your friends, just for a day? I promise, tomorrow you can dress me up in a pink frock and tie mustard yellow ribbons in my hair, if it makes you feel like I'm any less from throwing myself in front of a bus."

Basch stared at him. The clock above the refrigerator ticked mercilessly, louder than Cloud remembered it before. Seconds ticked by. "Okay, I'll let you use my good gloves, too. You have a scarf, don't you? I'd give you mine, but I don't have one—and I don't need one."

Cloud slouched over his bowl, resigned. Basch wasn't going to hear him.

Another minute slipped by before Basch came out of his trance. He nudged Cloud. "Did you say something? I only caught pink ribbons or something."

Cloud shook his head. "Can you stop being an overprotective dickhead brother for today?"

"What?" Basch asked, quizzically.

"Just treat me like you would treat Zack or Seifer. Or just ignore me entirely. I don't want to hang out with you guys or anything, I just want to…be somewhere else."

Basch scratched his faint beard. "I'm not going to overlook any precautions, Cloud. But I'll try to minimize my…protectiveness."

"I guess that's all I'll get out of you?"

Basch nodded. "Take it or leave it."

"All right, fine. But you're not really going to dress me up in a pink dress, right? I was only kidding."

"Cloud, what the hell are you talking about?"

Cloud shrugged. "When do we leave?"

After breakfast, they both went upstairs to get ready. Basch _did_ force Cloud to wear his long johns and boots, wrestling with him until both the pants and shirt were securely on and waiting until Cloud was dressed before lacing up the boots for him. He kept his "good gloves" to himself, though. This secretly pleased Cloud, as these "good gloves" were hideous creations with puke green and bright orange shapes across gray, and Cloud wouldn't have worn them even if forced.

The best was that Cloud was able to choose his own coat, even though there wasn't much of a choice there. Basch even chose a sweater for Cloud to wear underneath it if the weather got somehow too cold for Cloud's delicate skin.

"It's not snowing there, Basch. It's sunny, the snow is already melting. It's probably already gone."

"Just a necessary precaution," Basch informed him over his shoulder as he crossed the hall into his own room to gather up his big army jacket, spare boots, gloves, and beanie.

When they were finally ready, Cloud and Basch left the house. Cloud wondered who he'd lose shotgun to as he climbed into the passenger seat of Basch's pickup truck. He snapped his seatbelt on and then turned to Basch. "Who're we picking up?"

"Zack and Seifer and Irvine. The girls are riding with Rikku."

"Rikku's going to drive in the snow?" Cloud couldn't contain the snort that went along with his question.

Basch shrugged and backed out of the driveway. "Yeah, I know. I promised her a painful death if anything happened to Terra, though, so maybe she'll drive…not so crazy."

"That'll never happen."

"Tch."

Cloud reached for the radio and turned up the volume. He'd never even heard the song before, but it just felt like the thing to do.

Lu's house was the closest to theirs, and so Basch stopped there first. Ducking, Cloud tried to hide from Lu's line of sight. She'd be hurt if he refused her company but hung out with a rowdy group like Basch's. He could say he'd been coerced, but Lu…she always _knew_. She could see through everything.

Irvine was the first to rap on Cloud's window. Cursing but still huddled, he clambered out of the car so Irvine could fold the seat and climb into the back. Cloud was safely hidden from the front window of Lu's house behind Basch's pickup, so he didn't mind standing out there waiting for Seifer to get in the back, but Seifer wasn't anywhere nearby. Cloud looked around.

"What's up, chump?" A smack in the back of head informed him that Seifer was right behind him. "Why are you waiting here? Get in so we can go."

"Aren't you getting in?" Cloud questioned, rubbing the back of his head, which was a little sore.

"I _hope_ you don't think you get shotgun, you little twerp."

"I don't think; I know." Cloud straightened up and did his best cool expression. He looked straight into Seifer's eyes, suddenly feeling powerful.

Seifer pushed him into the truck. "Get in, dumbass."

Grumbling something about a jerk, Cloud climbed in the back with Irvine, the womanizer, and tried to remain as far away in the cab from him as possible. Basch turned the truck back on and started pulling out just as Seifer slammed the door shut. "…tryin' to kill me or something, Basch?"

"No, he's just secretly hoping you'd fall out so you don't annoy him with your crappy ass music," Cloud growled from behind him. Irvine chuckled.

Seifer looked around. "Hey, Basch, you hear something? It's kinda like an annoying buzzing in my ears. Do you have any newspaper so I can swat it?"

Cloud looked around for something to throw at the back of Seifer's head.

Basch turned off the engine in front of Zack's house and leaned back in his seat. They all sat there, waiting. When Zack didn't come out, Seifer turned around in his seat. "Hey, parasite, why don't you go knock on the door and tell Zack to get his pansyass out here or we're leaving him behind."

"Your fat ass is blocking the door," Cloud retorted.

Seifer looked to Basch. "You don't mind if I backhand him, do you?"

But before Cloud could voice his retort, Zack materialized at the passenger side door, grinning brightly. "Heya, get outta my seat, Seif!"

"Fuck no, boy," bristled Seifer, strengthening his resolve by locking the door, despite the fact that the window was down and Zack could have easily pulled the lock back up. "Climb in the back. In the bed. 'S crowded in here; no room for you."

Zack made a face and ruffled his own hair. "I called shotgun!"

"When? I didn't hear nothing."

"I called it right now."

"Too bad, son, I was already here. Go beg at Basch's door, he might let you in the truck over there."

"You didn't call it though!" whined Zack, pulling at the handle.

Basch turned the keys in the ignition. "Just let him in, Seifer. Zack, you take the back."

Seifer got out, a smug grin plastered on his face, and Zack climbed into the back seat. "Scooch over, kid."

Great, demoted from the front seat, and now demoted from a window seat. Cloud reluctantly scooted over closer to Irvine. Who was worse? Irvine or Zack? Once everyone was situated nicely, Cloud scooted over so he was closer to Zack and folded his arms across his chest. It wasn't a long ride, was it?

"Hey, Basch! Guess what I got!" exclaimed Zack, digging in his jacket pocket for something. Before Basch could reply, he found whatever he was looking for and waved it for everyone to see. "Tapes! Now we can listen to good music while we go! Took me forever to find tapes, man, you need to update to CD player."

Someone groaned, and it sounded from Irvine's direction. It was the first time Irvine made his presence known, and everyone just ignored him. Seifer ripped the tapes out of Zack's hand and picked a random one, as they were all unlabeled, and stuck it in the tape player.

Seifer hardly gave the music a chance before breaking out in hysterics. "What the shit is this, butt-wipe?"

"It's Christmas music, dumbass!"

Basch smiled but didn't take his eyes off the road.

"_I'm drea-ming of a white Christ-mas, just like the ones I used to—"_

"If we have to hear this, Zack," Irvine said, "can you just leave it to the professionals?"

"Fine. Whatever." Zack looked out the window with his mouth shut.

"Who says we're listening to this shit?" Seifer grumbled looking at the other tapes as if they now had labels.

"It's fine," interrupted Basch. "You got the front seat, Zack got to choose the music. Besides, Cloud likes Christmas music."

_Great, another reason for Seifer to hate me!_ Cloud covered his face.

The ride there was full of bickering. Seifer had to pick at least two fights with everyone in the car before he was satisfied to listen to the music with his mouth shut. By that time, they'd arrived and Cloud couldn't have been more grateful to get out of the back of the cramp trunk into the fluffy, white snow.

Immediately, he felt the change. He shivered as a icy wind blew across his face and rustled through his hair, and he pulled his coat tighter around him. "It's cold," he murmured to no one in particular.

Zack wrapped an arm around him. "I'll protect you from the cold, buddy."

Cloud brushed his hands off. "I'd rather freeze to death."

"Tsk tsk."

"There you are!" Aerith, bundled up in several layers of wool, came running up. Her hair was wrapped up and hidden within her snow hat and scarf, but her scarf came undone as she hurried towards them. Her face lit up when she saw Cloud. "You're here, Cloud! I'm so glad Basch convinced you to come, we'll make sure you have a fun time."

"Yeah, thanks," Cloud muttered, shying away from them.

"We were waiting forever!" Aerith complained, turning to Zack. "What took you guys so long?"

"We had Gramps driving," said Seifer, "just be thankful we got here before midnight!"

"Shush up, Seifer!" Aerith huffed. Basch brushed it off and started walking to the lodge.

"Are we gonna snowboard or what, guys?" Rikku came bouncing up with that hated video camera.

As everyone oriented themself with their snowboarding gear, Cloud and Terra stood away from them. Rikku had left them the video camera with tacit instructions to tape everyone and everything. The two looked at each other in a silent debate over who would actualy do this, but since Rikku had forced the damnable thing in Terra's hands, she ultimately had no choice when Cloud refused to crumble.

They caught Seifer knocking Rinoa down the hill and engaging her in a make-out session in the snow and Zack's unintentional plunge down the side of the hill and collision with the two lovers on tape-including the ensuing fight. Other than this, there wasn't a whole lot going on.

After about an hour or so of watching, Terra turned off the video camera, stuffed it into her jacket, and motioned for the lodge. "Want some hot chocolate?"

Anything hot sounded good. Cloud followed her inside, and she ordered two hot chocolates. They got comfy in the oversized lounge chairs by the fire and gradually thawed. Terra dug into her bag and took out a book. "You don't mind, do you?" she asked, holding it up.

He shook his head. "No, go ahead." He had been spacing out anyway. She thanked him and opened to her bookmarked page. "Hey, uh, you don't happen to have any others, do you?"

She perked up. "Of course, I do. I carry my favorites around with me." She grinned shyly. "Nerdy, I know."

"My best friend was the same way," Cloud admitted, feeling an obligation to make his hopefully future sister-in-law comfortable.

She liked his response and she took out two books. "Well, I'm not sure if you'd like either, but _The Plague_ is a fantastic read, and it's the only non-girly one I brought."

He reached for it. "I guess I'll read that, then."

She handed it to him and then settled back into her chair to read.

They read in silence for a while, and it seemed as if time did not pass. Cloud was not much of a reader nor was he engrossed in the book, but the environment was nice. The fire crackling beside them, the warm, toasty air, the hot chocolate, just the peaceful atmosphere. It somehow made it all worth it. That and the fact that this was what Squall did. That made all the difference. Until Rikku burst in.

"Hey, you! Aren't you guys supposed to be taping everyone?"

Terra blushed. "I got cold." She reached into her pocket and took out the camera. "Here."

Rikku snatched it away. "Don't be such party-poopers! It's so fun out there! It's snowing again!"

Cloud craned his neck to face Rikku. "Really snowing?"

"Yep, that's what I said. It's snowing!" She stretched out her arms and wiggled her hips a bit in a victory dance and then flew out the door.

Cloud looked to Terra and then the door.

"It's okay. I'm just gonna read. You can go on out there."

He placed her book on the coffee table and went back outside, making sure to cover up the best he could.

_Snowing_! He'd never seen it snow before, except in movies—but that didn't count. He wondered if there really were snowflakes or if it was just a—WHAM. Cloud blinked and looked around. Seifer erupted in laughter. "Got him right in the face! Didja see that?"

Anger rose up and Cloud glowered at him. That was it. Seifer was getting it.

"Oh, Seif, you better look out. Cloudy's gonna get ya!" That was Zack, still unsure of whose side he was on. Fine, he could be with the enemy, too.

Cloud swooped down and gathered up snow, patting it into a ball.

Seifer puffed of his chest and folded his arms. "I _dare_ you to."

"Fine." Cloud lifted his arm, gathering as much energy as he could muster, and chucked it at him. Didn't hit his face, but it slammed right into his chest.

Zack vaulted to his feet in an explosion of "Ohhs!" and swooped down to make his own snowball, while Seifer let out a throaty war cry and started manufacturing his own weapons. It was flat out World War III. Nobody had allies, and nobody was safe—except maybe Aerith because Zack hit her with a snowball and she scolded him for hitting his girlfriend, so everyone just avoided her after that. She didn't seem to mind.

When it started getting late, everyone piled into their vehicles (this time Irvine got to ride with the chicks) and merrily made their way back home. Seifer was in such a good mood he actually turned up the volume to Brenda Lee's _Rocking around the Christmas Tree_ and everyone joined in to sing Mitch Miller's _Let It Snow_.

As they came to the bottom of the mountain and the air wasn't as freezing, Seifer rolled his window down and stuck his hand out. Cloud's eyelids drooped and Basch adjusted the rearview mirror to keep an eye on him.

Around the time that Seifer started one of his rants about how he'd wanted it to snow and it didn't, as they had just used it as a ploy to get Cloud outside in retaliation for liking Christmas music, Zack scooted over closer to Cloud and nudged him. "Not going to sleep yet, are you?" He spoke quietly, and Cloud agreed that Zack could be rather pleasant to be with when he wasn't screaming at the top of his lungs, however rare it was.

"No," Cloud lied.

"Wanna come drinking with us when we get back?"

There was no way Basch was allowing that. Cloud looked at his feet. "Nah, I don't feel up to it."

"Aww, c'mon. I'm sure Basch'll say yes if _I_ ask him."

Cloud winced. That was pathetic. Was it really that obvious? "Basch isn't my boss. I can do whatever I want to, I just don't want to go out drinking."

"If you don't go drinking with us, I'll have to spend the night with you."

"You wouldn't dare."

Zack cracked his knuckles. "Oh, I think this daredevil would."

Seifer snorted. "Zack, Basch would murder you if molested his baby brother in the middle of the night."

"Wh—I wouldn't—give it a break, Seifer. It was a long time ago!" Zack whined, scratching his head.

Cloud clung to the window, eyeing Zack warily. "What was a long time ago?"

Seifer cackled madly from the front seat. "He was feeling up Roxas one night—"

"Shut up! I was not."

"You molested Roxas?" asked Cloud flatly, unsure what to think about that.

"No! No, no, _no_!" Zack protested violently, waving his hands in the air dismissively. "Of course not. No."

Cloud couldn't keep the look of disgust off his face. "Then what?"

Seifer turned around in his seat to ogle Cloud better. "You didn't know? I thought you and Roxas were like this," Seifer said crossing his middle finger and index finger and holding them up.

Cloud's gaze shot to Basch's in the rearview mirror. Basch looked away. "We were. What are you talking about?" Roxas had never mentioned anything about…Zack. Roxas…pretty much didn't like _any_ of Basch's friends. He had made it a point to avoid them.

Zack hid his face in his hands. "It's just…"

"Zack and Roxas were, like, going out," Seifer told him. "I thought Roxas was giving you the 411, like bitches normally do, telling their best—"

"_Seifer_," Basch warned stiffly.

Cloud gaped at him. Roxas had never mentioned _that_.

Zack raised his head. "Yeah, we were going out."

Cloud closed his eyes, trying to keep the memories of that talk he'd had with Roxas locked away, but the memories came despite all his best efforts. Cloud kept his balled fists to his side. "Did you break up with him?" Cloud asked through gritted teeth.

"Yeah," Zack said to his fingers.

Cloud looked away, decidedly ignoring Zack. So _that_ was what Roxas had been talking about. He shook his head in dismay.

Seifer took to his window, too, and a heavy silence ensued. Cloud closed his eyes, willing the tears that suddenly clouded his eyes away. He couldn't afford to start crying here. He promised himself he would never cry again, and here the memories flooded back into his head and he had no defense, nothing to combat them with. Why did that talking ape have to bring Roxas up at all? He had been enjoying himself!

"Cloud, you okay?" Basch's rough voice cut through the icy silence. Seifer and Zack, as if on cue, turned their gazes onCloud, and he shrank back into his seat and covered his face.

Cloud couldn't find the words to respond, and even if he had, the words wouldn't have been able to overcome the lump that blocked his throat. And then it happened again. The waves of darkness surrounded him, choking him, and he could only bring his legs up on the seat and bury his face in his knees to hide from it. He hated when it happened. The darkness threatened to paralyze him whenever something unpleasant came up, and he hated himself for being so weak.

Air became harder and harder to come by, and Cloud started gasping for air. His fingers clawed at his pants and he struggled to calm himself and his heart, which pounded in his chest so hard it ached.

Distantly, he could hear Basch's distant voice calling to him, but it was such a low buzz he couldn't hear the words. He didn't want to, either. He just wanted to go home and crawl into his bed and sleep.

Cold fingers latched onto his shoulder and shook him. He brushed them off, managing to mutter a "Leave me alone" before closing his eyes tighter. The fingers retreated, and he was greeted by a screaming silence.

When the silence became bearable and his heart started beating at a normal rate, Cloud opened his eyes and looked up. The darkness had passed and the fear that pulsed through his veins suddenly vanished. Seifer and Zack were still gaping at him, and Basch's knuckles were white against the black steering wheel.

"You okay, Cloud?" asked Zack softly.

Cloud turned his gaze out the window at the black blanket shrouding the landscape from his eyes. As far as he was concerned, Zack wasn't even in the truck.

"Cloud, are you okay?" That was Basch.

"Yeah, just a bit tired. Are we almost there?"

He nodded. "Just about."

They arrived in less than thirty minutes, and they dropped Cloud off before doing whatever idiots normally did on Saturday nights. Cloud climbed the stairs vacantly and crawled into bed without undressing, praying for a sleep that wasn't plagued with Roxas's face. Of course, life couldn't have been more cruel.

/ - / - / - / - / - /

**Author's Note:**

Anyway, thank you for your wonderful reviews so far, and I would love to get more of your feedback. What did you think about this chapter? Think Cloud overreacted a bit? Oh, it's okay if you don't know what's going on with Roxas. I'm not ready to reveal that yet.

Speaking of Roxas-yeah, really weird pairs! I wanted to draw a few parallels from the actual game to my story. For example, Cloud falls in love with Aerith, his best friend's girlfriend. Now, Cloud falls in love with Zack, his best friend's (brother's) boyfriend.


	5. Chapter 5: The Neverending Nightmare

**Disclaimer:** Don't own the rights to Final Fantasy; Square Enix does.

**Quick Note:** I shouldn't update so soon, but I will. Every day seems like a whole month now. I'm not sure if it's because I'm bored out of my mind or because I'm counting the days until Christmas, but my days are so long. Chapter 6 is going to be the last chapter posted until after Christmas, though (that's why I wanted to space them out a bit because Chapter 6 is Christmas), so be prepared for a nice long break after these next two. ;)

**Warning:** Lots of angst, stomach aches, overprotectiveness, and mood swings.

**What They Leave Behind**

**Chapter 5**

_The Never-ending Nightmare_

Cloud rolled into a ball, holding his aching stomach. Not again. Every time he coaxed himself into sleeping, he had another nightmare and woke up with a worse ache than before. The worst part was that he kept trying. As if the bad dreams would miraculously disappear if he tried one more time. They never did.

This last time he had to get out of bed. He could no longer lay there in that ball and try to sleep. Dried sweat caked his face and arms, his head pounded almost as if he had a head flu, his stomach threatened to eat a hole in its side again—he really needed to do something about that before it escaladed to another ulcer—and his body trembled.

He swung his legs over the side of the bed, his booted feet firmly planted on the ground, and sat there. His hands dug into the sheets he'd wrapped around himself as the sight of Roxas's bed dragged a wince across his sharp features. He stared at it for a long time, just thinking about how peacefully Roxas had once slept in it or when sleep wasn't so peaceful, how he used to toss a pillow at Cloud and wake him up. They'd talk about everything, or he had thought everything. But why would Roxas have kept his dating Zack a secret from him? How could _Basch—_the man content with sticking his head in the sand_—_have known? How many more of Roxas's secrets was Basch keeping from him?

A sharp pain, almost as if someone had stabbed him and then twisted the dagger in the wound, echoed through his body. He placed a hand on his stomach, swallowing any cries that might rouse Mom or Basch, and pulled himself to his feet.

He needed to get to the bathroom. He needed a nice cold shower, wash off all that sweat, and drink something soothing. His first thought was warm milk, but the best solution, he knew, was chamomile tea. The thought of _that_ made him gag, but it worked. It almost always calmed his raging stomach.

The shower itself was heavenly and cold, and Cloud managed to finish up after dry heaving only twice (which was an improvement compared to previous times). When he was dressed in Basch's old and holey flannel pajamas and a plain long sleeved shirt, he put on some torn slippers and progressed downstairs.

He stumbled on that last stair and grumbled about how unreliable that staircase was. He flipped the switched for the light in the hall, and instantly two drunken groans resounded from the living room. Feeling too sick to bother dealing with assholes, he turned the lights back off (someone gurgled a "thank you") and pawed the wall in order to guide himself safely to the kitchen.

Turning on the light, he glanced about the kitchen, which Mom kept immaculate, and ignored the silver teakettle which winked at him in the florescent light. He went straight for a measuring glass, poured a cup of water, and then stuck it in the microwave for two minutes. He took that time to climb up on the counter and grab the chamomile tea bags and a tea cup from the top shelf and jumped down.

When the tea was ready, he sat at the table and brooded over the fact that he couldn't watch T.V. because certain _some_bodies were passed out on the couch—still entirely sound and light sensitive. He took small sips, wincing as the watered down liquid touched tastebuds but sighing in pleasure as it warmed his throat. He was too entirely caught up in his own sensations of pain and pleasure to notice he was not alone in the kitchen.

Not until a shadow passed over him.

He turned his gaze up to the source of darkness over him. Basch, of course. And he looked like shit, too. His blond hair was greasy and ratted from a restless sleep and his clothes were rumpled. He was still up at five forty-five in the morning, Cloud had to give him credit.

"Another stomach ache?"

"It's almost gone," Cloud lied, staring at his tea cup. It hadn't seemed so full before.

"Do you want some milk, too?"

He shook his head. "No. I'm fine."

Basch sat down next to him with a groan and tossed his head back, his eyes shut tightly. Cloud would normally have quickly finished the cup and excused himself, but as of right then, he wanted company, even if it was Basch's, that traitor's. He wanted to be with someone. He wondered when and how he and Basch had become so estranged. They were closest in age, only a year apart, but sometimes that one year felt like decades.

Cloud took another sip, trying to shake the past out of his mind. "Long night?"

"Yeah, but not as long as yours."

"Huh?"

Basch shrugged nonchalantly, guiltily looking away. "I heard you crying in your sleep. Mom said not to wake you up, though."

"_Mom_ heard?"

"And Zack and Seifer, too."

Cloud groaned and buried his head in his hands. "Great. Just fan-fucking-tastic."

"Nobody's gonna judge you, Cloud. We all know how hard…it…it is for you."

No, they only saw half of how hard it was for him. He closed his eyes, too, trying to keep any tears that suddenly welled up in his eyes away. He wished Basch would stopped trying to play shrink and start playing brother soon. Maybe he'd stop being such a baby. Maybe he wouldn't end up like Roxas. When his tears were in control, he looked up into Basch's face. "Why didn't you tell me Zack was behind it?"

"Behind…it?" Bemused, Basch scratched his cheek and waited for Cloud to explain.

"Behind it. As in, why Roxas was…well, you know. _Upset_."

Basch took in a deep breath, peeked over his shoulder into the black hole behind him that made up the living room, and lowered his voice. "It's not Zack's fault. It was…complicated."

Cloud made a rude noise. "Right."

"Look, I love Roxas just as much as you do. I was just as protective—" (Cloud strongly doubted that, he clearly remembered Basch allowing Roxas lots more freedom than he ever gave Cloud) "—so if Zack was the…reason…behind it all, I swear, I would have killed him. I wouldn't have cared if I went to prison. He would be dead right now. And I would have spitted on his grave once I got out of prison, too."

Cloud chuckled at the conviction behind Basch's voice. He could envision his brother doing just that.

"So don't hate Zack. They dated. I was there the whole time. Zack wasn't an asshole. He was the same as he is now. Just…um…"

"Naïve?"

"Yeah," Basch conceded, "and loud and obnoxious and hyper and a little too self-absorbed."

They both smiled. So Basch was right. How could someone as pure-hearted as Zack knowingly hurt Roxas? That was not very likely at all. Zack might have scared the shit out of him for the hell of it numerous times or sicked Seifer on him countless times, but he wasn't that bad. Crisis over. But that didn't keep his stomach at bay, not for a second.

"You don't have to be up right now, Basch," Cloud told him. "I know you've got a pretty bad hang over."

"Eh, not that bad. What are you going to do when I go back to bed?"

Cloud shrugged. "Take a walk. Run, maybe."

This seemed to trouble Basch. He pointed his chin to the window. "It's still dark outside."

"I'm not a baby. Besides, I think I wouldn't mind taking a walk out in the dark. At least people can't see me."

Basch couldn't contain the frown that washed over his face when a new thought popped into his head. "Yeah, but you can't see predators."

Cloud rolled his eyes.

"I'll go with you."

Cloud protested. "No, don't bother. I'd rather not walk at all. It's just to clear my mind." He stood up, the chair groaning against the linoleum, and put his dishes in the sink. "Go back to bed. My stomach ache is all gone, and I want to be alone." That was a lie in itself, but he was done with Basch now. When Basch didn't budge, Cloud added, "I won't go anyway. Not until dawn, okay?"

"All right, all right." Basch rose and headed for the hall, stopping to ruffle Cloud's blond locks before exiting.

Cloud considered, briefly, calling up Squall, but then the sudden realization that Squall hadn't given him his number brought a pang in his chest.

He took a seat back at the kitchen table, thinking about Squall. It had felt as if he had ripped out Cloud's heart when he left, and the ache had only worsened over time. How could he tell people about _that_? How could he make Basch understand how he felt if he didn't explain how Squall made him feel, how Cloud orbited him when they were together, how he wanted to feel Squall's palm in his or how he'd dreamed of Squall's kisses—or how could he explain to Basch how when he got everything he ever wanted from Squall and it wasn't enough? That hardly made any sense to Cloud himself, so how could it make sense to his narrow-minded brother?

Cloud had fallen asleep at the table, buried in his thoughts, and wasn't woken up until Zack and Seifer were awake. Zack was the first up, actually, and he stumbled into the kitchen for a glass of water and ibuprofen, hitting the hall as he went along.

Cloud sighed into his arms and straightened up with a stretch. Stifling a yawn, he glanced over his shoulder at Zack. Rummaging through the medicine cabinet, Zack was muttering darkly to himself. Cloud got out of the chair and approached him. "Why did you and Roxas break up?"

Zack froze in place, his fingers firmly wrapped around the bottle. Slowly, he withdrew his fingers and turned. "Oh, uh, heya, Cloud! Didn't see you." He flashed a smile.

Cloud didn't return the smile. "Why'd you break up?" he repeated.

Zack's shoulders sagged. "Weren't compatible."

Cloud stared him in the eyes, gravely. "You hurt him." And then he walked away. _'You hurt him,' Cloud? Really_, he thought to himself, shaking his head. As if he didn't know that already.

"Hey, wait, Cloud."

Cloud pivoted quickly and arched an eyebrow, waiting.

"You…uh…am I forgiven?"

"For what?" Cloud muttered, charging up the stairs.

It was sometime around noon when Zack worked up the courage to approach his bedroom door. He rapped on the door almost impatiently (which hinted that it wasn't Basch), and then disrupted Cloud's silent brooding further by shouting, "Cloud? Can I talk to you?!"

"Um, no," was the response that first came to mind, but he decided against it—anything was better than hearing his own thoughts. "Come in," he shouted over his shoulder and closed his textbook (as if he'd been reading it and wanted to dispose of any evidence).

"Uh, can we…talk somewhere else?"

Cloud glanced around his room, puzzled. What was wrong with his bedroom? It…didn't _look_ abnormal. A poster of Wakka, the water polo guru, above his bed; another poster of Tidus, the other water polo guru, above his desk; and a poster mostly hidden behind his dresser of Yuna—he only put it up because he didn't want to hurt Mom's feelings. She loved Yuna's songs, and Cloud couldn't deny that she was beautiful; it was just that Cloud saw her a _bit_ too much around school. She was the type of icon best viewed from a distance and at intervals, he thought.

He got up and trudged across the room, opening the door wide and leaning on the doorway. "Like where?"

Zack's blue eyes widened and he took a step back, eventually averting his eyes. "Oh, uh, do you want to, like, go to the park?"

Cloud tried not to stare but failed miserably. "Um…_okay_. Now?"

"Yeah!"

The park was only a few blocks away, but it was the longest walk Cloud had ever taken. The silence wasn't peaceful like their run had been, it was heavy and awkward. It felt as if words were rising and falling in Zack's throat, as if he had so many things to say, but he was scared of saying them. And when chatterboxes like Zack were scared to say something, they scared Cloud.

_This conversation isn't going to be pleasant,_ he told himself, an ache steadily rising in the pit of his stomach. Why hadn't he noticed the way Zack wouldn't look at him when he'd asked if they could walk to the park? Why hadn't Cloud seen the signs? Was he stupid or something? Now he was open prey for the Zackmeister.

As they trekked across the yellowed grass of the park to the benches hidden in the miniature thicket of trees and brush off in the far corner, Zack took in a deep breath and opened his mouth. No sound came out, so he closed it once again, only to up it up. "Uh, I, uh, thought…um…well," he sounded before clenching his jaw and silencing himself with a grimace.

"Don't think too hard, there, Zack; you might kill what little brains cells you've got left," Cloud warned him dryly.

Zack jab his finger into Cloud's side, and Cloud recoiled (a little too smugly), but he rubbed his side as they continued toward the picnic benches underneath the treetops in the thicket. Zack had a little too much pent up energy to be making playful gestures like that; it kind of hurt.

"This is hard for me, you know!"

"If it's that hard," Cloud started, hoping Zack would see his point, "then don't say it. We'll both be okay and comfortable, and maybe I'll let you back in my house later so you can cuddle up next to the fire with your lover."

Zack coughed, stifling a laugh. "Sounds pretty good to me, actually. But, no," his expression hardened once more, "I can't do that. I think we should talk—at least, I think you should know. It never bothered me before, but…now you know, so maybe I need to explain."

No, not Roxas._ Can't I just brood about losing Squall in peace?_ Was it really that hard to leave Roxas out of this? "I'm content not knowing. Whatever happened between you and Roxas can stay between you two."

Zack swung himself onto the table, resting his feet on the bench, and brushed lazy strands of black hair out of his face. "Why don't you want to talk about Roxas? Did you guys fight or something?"

Cloud didn't want to get comfortable. He knew the direction of this conversation, and it took a lot of effort not to run away. But he would be in a position to quickly dart away if need be. He folded his arms across his chest and waited, making it very clear he was not about to give up any information concerning Roxas to bigmouth Zack.

Zack took a deep breath. "Okay, look, I wanted to say that I'm sorry for upsetting you. I hate when people are sad, it just kills me. Dampens the mood, you know. And I'm sorry Roxas never told you, and I'm sorry about Roxas's accident. I was upset, too, you know."

A deep, crimson, warm blush crept up his chest, up his neck, and fanned out across his cheeks as his angered flared. "Oh, so upset you couldn't make it to the hospital to _visit_ him?"

Zack sighed.

"You sound pretty guilty to me."

"So_ I_ did it, then?"

Cloud glared at his feet. "Might as well have. Why are you bringing this up? It's Christmas season, go singing Christmas carols at strangers' houses, okay?"

"I just—" muttered Zack, and then he jumped to his feet, his blue eyes burning brightly with conviction, "I just felt like I betrayed you!"

Cloud had mentally come up with his next comment, and it took his brain a second to process that Zack's concession did not require a nasty retort. Cloud froze, puzzling over what Zack had meant. Betrayal was for friends. What could Zack have done to betray Cloud? Sure he hadn't gone a whole week without spending at least half of it at Cloud's house, but _they_ weren't friends. And even if Zack thought of him as a little brother, they still weren't close enough for betrayal. Zack's allegiance was to Basch, not Cloud. Anger forgotten, Cloud took his eyes off his feet and searched Zack's face for an answer. When his face gave away nothing but honesty, Cloud had to ask. "What are you talking about?"

Zack reached up and rubbed the back of his neck, a sign of depleting conviction. "Roxas and you were best friends…and brothers. He talked about you all the time. It feels like I betrayed you because you never knew. Maybe it was Roxas who betrayed you, but I saw you practically every day. I still see you every day, and I never said anything. I could have said something. I could have told him to tell you."

Cloud hated himself. _Why do you feel bad for him? Let him feel guilty._ He unconsciously sat down on the bench and muttered, "That's not your fault. It's not betrayal. Besides, it's in the past."

"Cloud," Zack said skeptically, "the past is the _only_ place I can find you."

Cloud waved his hand in the air dismissively. "Just forget about it. You and Roxas dated. Roxas didn't trust me enough to tell me. You feel bad. Now you're not dating, and Roxas has no reason to trust or distrust me. BFD."

Zack, at a frightening speed, lurched forward and grabbed Cloud's shoulders. Cloud didn't even have enough time to scramble away. His heart caught in his throat at the sudden movement and all he could do was stare up into Zack's face, lit up with passion. "No, Roxas _did_ trust you. I know he did, he just…he thought he was protecting you."

"Protecting me?" Cloud breathed. "_I'm_ his big brother, just in case you didn't know."

Zack shook his head. "Roxas wasn't an angel, you know. He did some pretty—he was really insecure and unhappy, that's all I will say. He did things he was too embarrassed to tell you—"

"And he told _you_ instead?"

Zack released his grip. "I _saw_ him do it all."

Cloud rose stiffly and started walking away. Thankfully, Zack didn't budge. Over his shoulder, he asked his last question—which really wasn't much of a question because he didn't expect an answer. "Why couldn't you just let me remember Roxas the way I've always had?" His feet picked up pace, and soon there was a large space between them—Cloud nearly running away and Zack immobile—but Zack's unexpected response carried to Cloud's ears.

"Because _that_ wasn't Roxas."

/ - / - / - / - / - /

**Author's Note:** Is this Roxas x Cloud or Zack x Roxas or Zack x Cloud? I know, I know. I'm into family drama, though, so naturally I have to include this problem with Roxas and make it a big deal. I've never played Kingdom Hearts (well, I've only gotten as far as...like Agrabah in the first one), nor have I read much about it, except I know (or, at least, I _think_) Roxas is blond. I think Roxas is supposed to be the dark side of Sora, though, right? I don't know. It doesn't matter. Roxas is out-of-character regardless (thankfully he won't be having many conversations), but he's very dark. I'm not sure why I chose Roxas as his brother. Why not Tidus or Vaan? Also, a feature of Final Fantasy XII that struck me the most was the relationship or storyline between Vaan and Rex. I really liked it, so I warped it and made it into this.

I want to thank everyone who's stuck with me this far. I know I promised a lot in the first chapter (you know, Reno, Rude, Sephiroth, etc. as well as lots of romance between Zack and Cloud), and I will get there. Chapters 1 – 6 are my introductory chapters, so I'll call them part of Part I. Part II is Cloud and Zack goodness. Part III will be complications. So, Chapter 7, there will be differences (especially because break will be over in Chapter 7 and Cloud will be at school, ready to interact with other characters outside his station—and yes, I wrote down a list of all characters who will show up in this story, wrote a summary about their characters, and divided them all up into social classes: the untouchables, the popular people, the okay people, and the outcasts; if you want, I can post it some time, it actually helps keep track of all the characters).


	6. Chapter 6: Another Christmas

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Final Fantasy or any of its characters; Square Enix does.

**Warning:** Necessary stuff, not very interesting, though.

**What They Leave Behind**

**Chapter 6**

_Another Christmas_

Cloud had been dreading this day for a very long time. Under normal circumstances, he loved Christmas. He loved waking up early and going downstairs to check out the Christmas tree, all lit up with sparkling lights with shiny Christmas presents tucked underneath the tree's branches. He remembered being very young, and Basch exploding into his and Roxas's room at four or something and waking them each up. They'd file down the stairs (shushing each other as not to wake up Mom and Dad) and then pick up presents, shake them around a bit or—Cloud's most successful method—peek through the folds in the wrapping to see what was underneath. They'd then begin the countdown until they could rouse Mom and Dad (and exactly one minute before eight, they would send Cloud, the easiest to bully into it, to wake Mom and Dad). After that, they'd open presents and Mom would prepare the traditional breakfast, eggs benedict, and they would spend the rest of the day playing with their gifts while Mom and Dad prepared Christmas dinner.

Christmas would still have been nice, except after they opened gifts now, they had to visit _him_. They had to bring their gifts to him, darkening the day that was supposed to be happy, and watch him open them while the hospital scent filled their nostrils and made them nauseous. They had to spend the entire day there, in that small, uncomfortable room, under those florescent lights, and count the minutes until they would be released.

The clock on his nightstand flashed six-thirty. Basch would be coming in any minute now, pulling Cloud out of bed. They'd (more like _he'd_) examine their presents and then settle into the sofa to watch a Christmas movie while they waited until eight. Cloud heard the muted footsteps pad across the hall to his room. He grabbed his extra pillow and covered his head. This day was going to be long as it was, why make it even longer?

Cloud didn't hear the door open, but he did feel the blankets being torn away from his body. Cold air gnawed at his skin and he growled, shooting up and trying to grab them out of Basch's hand. "Come on, get up, Cloud. It's Christmas!"

Cloud made a rude gesture and then pointed to the alarm clock. "Um…we still have an hour and a half!"

Basch took Cloud's open gesture as an invitation to grab onto Cloud's wrist and pulled him to his feet. "Let's go. You're going to love your presents this year._ I_ went with Mom to buy them."

"You say that every year," Cloud grumbled, thinking about the year his mother bought him puke yellow sweat pants and shirt, and Basch hadn't stopped her.

"I mean it this time."

He dragged Cloud of his bedroom (and Cloud had to tear his bathrobe off his dresser as he passed it) and downstairs. As always, the presents were out and gleaming out in the lights around the tree. Basch grinned at Cloud as Cloud plopped down on the carpet near the tree and spaced out (though Basch was oblivious to that) and said, "Mom color-coded our presents this year. I have the gold presents, you have red, and Roxas has green. Here, look, this one is yours." He stuck a small box under Cloud's nose.

Cloud snatched it, angry at his brother for ruining his morning, and stared at the present. "Why don't you just sort through your gifts and leave me to my own devices?"

Basch shrugged, looking for another red present. "I was there when Mom bought my gift. I'm excited for what you got. _This_ is the ultimate gift," he told Cloud, offering him a larger, heavier box. "You have to open that one first, otherwise the other gifts will give it away."

Cloud blinked. "Can I go back to sleep now?"

"And Zack and Seifer have a present for you, too." Zack always gave him…nice…useless…gifts, stuff that puzzled Cloud as to what the hell they were. Seifer, on the other hand, liked to torture Cloud. Last Christmas, he'd gotten Cloud a dildo. Cloud had no words. What the heck was it for? It was for girls. Exactly why Seifer gave it to him, no doubt. He'd thrown it away before Mom saw. "You can open it now, if you want," Basch continued. He handed a box to him and sat cross-legged on the floor next to him.

"Why do they give me gifts? I don't give them gifts."

Basch rolled his shoulders. "_You_ don't have a job, and you most certainly don't have money. They think of you as a brother."

Cloud peeled back the wrapping paper (he was surprised it was wrapped this time, however…asymmetrically it was; last year they'd wrapped his gifts and taped them shut in paper towels). A box of tissues? An ultimate low, even for Seifer. So he was emotional—it wasn't like he didn't have reason to be upset.

Basch pointed. "It's in there."

Cloud followed his finger and somewhat doubtfully stuck his finger into the tissues (the protective plastic had been broken, so perhaps there _was_ something more after all). When he met something hard, he wrapped his fingers around it and pulled it out. "Keys?"

Basch beamed. "Yep. It's not much, but it's still a lot. Seifer was going to take it to the junk yard because of the oil leak and its age—he wasn't going to get any money out of it. It's like twenty years old and its mileage is…like three-hundred thousand. But it'll last you a few years."

"Seifer gave me his car?"

"His old one. The Acura you said that could be your grandmother. Like I said, he was going to take it to the junk yard, but Zack suggested you have it. And they changed the oil and transmission fluid, filled it up with gas, and Seifer found the key that opens the trunk because you can't open it from the driver's seat anymore."

The fact that Seifer gave him a piece of shit car—a car without AC or heating, a car whose speakers were shot in the back and static-prone in the front, a car whose radio and tape player randomly turned off or whose brake light randomly turned on, a car whose trunk didn't open unless the key was handy (and Seifer had immediately lost that once he bought it), a car whose sunroof didn't close all the way, so the day after it rained, the inside of the car smelled like mildew—should have made him mad. It probably wouldn't even _run_! But it didn't. He couldn't hide the light in his eyes as he looked at the key in a new way.

Basch couldn't hide his excitement. "I always said when you got your first car, I'd get you really good speakers, but…well, that'll be your next car. This one isn't worth spending money on. It won't last much longer, so I didn't get you that. Instead I got you headlights—not that great of a present, but I'd die if you drove that thing around in the dark."

Cloud didn't feel obligated to roll his eyes. He had a _car_ now. And it came from someone who hated his very existence!

Basch stood up. "I know you've ridden in that car before, you know how it looks, but…do you…want to see it? It's out—"

Cloud vaulted to his feet and was out the door before Basch could finish. Basch's chuckling followed him out into the icy cold morning. Sure enough, parked behind Basch's beat-up truck, was Seifer's ancient car. A huge dent on the passenger side door informed him it was the very same, but it didn't look as bad as it used to. He ran his fingers across the sheet of ice cover the silver paint and then he unlocked the door and sat in the driver's seat. Of course, the driver's seat was unadjustable because a very drunk Zack (who was driving for a very much passed out Basch and Seifer) pulled the handle off, so it was permanently (or nearly permanent) stuck as far away from the steering wheel and pedal. Cloud didn't curse Seifer or Zack when he noticed he could only see out the windshield because someone had stuck a fat cushion on his seat (after all, Seifer was a good foot taller than him).

"Can I drive it now?"

"Eh, not today. You don't have insurance in it yet."

Cloud brushed it off. "Just down the street."

Basch shook his head. "No, what if something happened to you?"

Now that pricked his anger. "Just down the _street_, Basch. Nobody's even driving around right now!"

Basch shook his head. "I can't let you do that."

Basch would never change, would he?

/ - / - / - / - / - /

Cloud slammed the door shut, an ache so strong in his stomach he had to lean on Mom's car so as not to fall over. Basch asked him if he was all right, but he didn't stay around the car for an answer—he, too, was dreading this moment.

Mom and Basch were already on the steps by the entrance by the time the sharp pain subsided. Walking stiffly, Cloud followed them (Mom's calling to him impatiently made him move quickly). Last year, he'd managed to avoid this. Mom had mercy on him, and for once he was glad for his stomach aches, but this year was different. She told him he was doing it on purpose, and she refused to put up with it anymore.

They passed through the threshold together as a group, and Mom went straight to the front desk. "We're here to see Roxas fon Ronsenburg*."

The nurse sorted through a stack of papers, her brows knitted together in thought. Finding what she was looking for, she smiled up at Mom. "Mrs. Strife?" Mom nodded. "All right, he's moved from his old room. Now he's on the third floor, room 314 or Room _Shera_."

"Rooms named after space shuttles now?" Mom asked, her blue eyes twinkling in a mother's amusement.

The nurse turned the amusement. "They liked the space shuttle names better than the city names."

"I can see Roxas liking space shuttles better than that," Mom said fondly, squeezing Basch's hand. Cloud hid behind them, feeling as if he'd need to stop by the restroom before they went any farther.

Mom led the way to the elevator, and Cloud lingered outside the door. Basch stood in the frame, preventing the doors from shutting. "Cloud, come on."

Cloud made a strained expression and held his stomach as the pain stabbed him. Mom narrowed her eyes. "Cloud Strife! Get in here right now. You're not getting out of visiting your brother this Christmas." She reached out and grabbed his shirt, tugging him inside. "Stop being such a selfish baby. We never get to see him. Roxas asked for you last time. He _remembered_ you."

Cloud wanted to his hate his mother at that moment, but he looked up and saw the tears glistening in her eyes and found he couldn't. He bowed his head. "All right, I won't try to get out of it." He squeezed his eyes shut and stroked his stomach, willing it to calm down.

The elevator let them out on the third floor, and they walked down the long white-walled corridor. One doctor nodded to Mom as she passed him, and she nodded her greeting back. Other than that, nobody acknowledged them in any way. They passed the sitting room, and Cloud silently begged Basch to intervene on his behalf. Basch's back was to him, so it didn't seem to work, but he couldn't say anything. He'd lost his voice to the darkness that crept up on him. He reached out to Basch, as if to catch his arm, but his arm wasn't long enough. Basch was too far away.

Cloud stopped in his tracks and crouched on the floor, holding his knees close to his body and closing his eyes, counting each breath he took. One, two, three, but each breath became more ragged. He couldn't see Roxas. He couldn't bear to see him. _Make up an excuse_, he told himself, _say you're going to the bathroom and then wait outside for Mom. Go hide in a closet or something. Anything._

A hand fell on his shoulder. "Cloud, Cloud, it's going to be all right. Just go sit out in waiting room. You don't have to see Roxas if you're not ready. Mom and I will come and get you when we're ready to leave, okay?"

He could hear an impatient sigh come from behind Basch, but it didn't bother him. All that he felt was the icy grip that was around his stomach slowly recede and the darkness disappear. By the time his breathing evened out, Basch and Mom weren't anywhere nearby.

/ - / - / - / - / - /

**Author's Note:** The car is important in later chapters, so it wasn't entirely unnecessary to include that part. (And Seifer loves Cloud after all! It makes sense, since Seifer's an orphan, that he can build familial relationships with people who aren't family, despite how much he'd like to pretend he only likes Cloud to pick on) Also, Cloud's inability to visit his brother in a mental hospital says a lot about his character and his problems, so that was important for later chapters, too. Speaking of Roxas, I have a question. What did you think happened to him? Personally, I thought it sounded like he killed himself, but he's clearly alive (though not sane, I guess).

* Cloud is the only one who took his mother's last name, Strife. Basch and Roxas both have their father's last name, fon Ronsenburg.


	7. Chapter 7: Detention

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Final Fantasy or its characters; Square Enix does.

**Reply to aos:** I know exactly what you mean! Sometimes I'm reading a fanfic and I'm like, "I just want Zack to kiss Cloud! I don't care about the others! Argh!!!" lol. So I'm with you on that. I figured I was doing something along those lines, but I do have a basic storyline, and I consider it necessary, since Roxas is heavily intertwined with Cloud's emotions and Zack's, as well. Think about the complications Zack might have when he starts liking Cloud, Roxas's brother. I'm really sorry you don't like it, so I'll make an attempt to...tone down the Roxas stuff a bit, but I'm not sure how it will turn out. Just a warning, though, this_ is_ Cloud-centric, so my story deals with the different aspects that make up _his_ life, but everything (Basch's friends, Squall, Roxas, Roxas's accident/hospitalization, etc.) plays a significant role in Zack and Cloud's...erm...affairs of love. I do like making things 3-dimensional (though sometimes I can get a bit soap opera-ish, sadly), so I'm not entirely convinced I need to shut Roxas's affairs and Basch's protectiveness out of the picture. They all add depth to Cloud's character and also to Zack's and their relationship together. Thank you for being honest and reviewing. I really appreciate hearing from my readers. I do like getting feedback, since I'm ultimately seeking your approval. I'd like to know where I've strayed and where I can improve, so thank you again.

**Reply to Rei Sohma:** how flattering! lol It pleases me to no end that you enjoy my story that much. I'm being honest when I say, I think my writing needs serious improvement, so it's really good to hear someone commenting on it, it really feeds my writing-esteem. I _am_ pleased with my characterization. I will say it's one of my strong points in this story (which is surprising, since I have a hard time getting into some characters' shoes), but it makes me happy all the same that you think of them as humanly. That was my goal. As for the Zack/Cloud moment...I've created so many problems in just the first six chapters...-sighs- it will be some time before they even have their first kiss. I might even be putting it off because I promised smut and I've never written a sex-scene before! I'm actually really scared to do it, but I know I want to (everyone has a dark side, lol). My point is, anyway, I'm excited, too. My story got complicated after the second chapter, more complicated than I planned, so I was disappointed Zack and Cloud weren't going at it in Chapter 6 (just kidding! Come on, lots of romance before makes the sex even better; anticipation is better than the actually getting, everyone knows that!) Anyway, thank you for reviewing. I love getting reviews. After seeing one in my inbox, I walk around with a dreamy smile on my face for at least a couple of hours. lol. My fix, you know. A necessity.

**Quick Word:** I'm back, though maybe not entirely as 100% as I was before the break. How was everyone's holidays? I finally got Crisis Core (and I ended up breaking it as soon as I opened it, but I also took it to Best Buy and returned it, so I'm playing it...is it just me or is Angeal a tough cookie to beat?). All right, onwards!

**WARNING:** Be safe, don't try this at home (I mean it!), or, at least, be cautious. Also, a long author's note at the end. Sorry.

**What They Leave Behind**

**Chapter 7**

_Detention_

On the first day back from vacation, Cloud took his car to school. Basch was adamant that Cloud did not drive it until they filed for insurance and were approved, which took forever in Cloud's opinion, and then Basch found excuse after excuse not to let him drive after that. Basch couldn't prohibit him anymore (well, actually, Seifer wanted to drive his new car to school, so he picked up Basch first, which left Cloud to his own devices—Seifer didn't want to wait until Cloud was ready, and somehow Cloud added this to his list of rare good-Seifer moments).

He needed a parking permit, which was originally a problem, but he stole Basch's parking permit (and if it was for one day, the school would never know). It felt odd, sitting in the driver's seat of Seifer's old car and sitting alone. He thought, maybe, he'd pick Lu up (she walked), but then a sudden dread came with that thought and he quickly trampled it.

Finding a parking spot wasn't difficult as he would have thought, since he left a bit early, but he still parked it in one of the last rows. Beat-up or not, he couldn't afford to lose his precious baby to teenagers who didn't know how to park. Once he locked the car, he crossed the lot to the school gates, dreading the moment he passed through them.

In his hand, he carried an ice-cold water bottle (stupid, it was freezing outside) and opened it. Taking small sips, he looked around the school.

At her normal tree, Lu waited for him, but like always, he bypassed her. Why it was so impossible for him to speak to her was beyond Cloud, so he didn't question. He just ignored her and walked on.

This time, he felt her eyes on him. He fought the urge to talk to her. She was linked to Squall in ways nobody else in this school was (so what if Seifer, Irvine, Selphie, and Quistis all had lived with Squall; they weren't his friends), and it made it difficult, then, to link himself to her. It hurt too much still, but perhaps, one day, Cloud could get ever that.

But that wasn't the end of his worries. He had an entire day to run from Basch and his friends. He needed to keep them at bay, but how? If he went back to Lu, Basch would no doubt leave him alone, but Lu…he couldn't do that. He needed to find someone else to hide behind.

Standing in the doorway of his first period class, chemistry with Hojo, naturally, Cloud looked from desk to desk, wondering who he could possibly stand being around long enough to pass the period. Squall had always been his first choice, not just because Squall was his best friend but because Squall would have done the whole thing himself and both of them would automatically receive an A (it was, of course, when Cloud had tried to help that they earned that one D because Cloud had been watching Shadow, the one senior who took IB Chemistry when everyone else was a junior, and he wasn't following the procedures because he was using the ingredients to make something else, so Cloud was half following him and half following the procedure…and that left them with a minor explosion; it took a whole month for Squall to forgive him and he still hadn't forgotten about it).

"Are you just going to stand there, Cloud, or are you going to take a seat?"

There was something evil about Hojo, the way he made everything seem like a sneer. Maybe it was his long, gaunt face or his straggly black hair or his psychotic laughter. Or maybe it was because he loved chemistry more than anything, while Cloud detested nothing more than that subject.

Cloud didn't look up into Hojo's face. Instead he nodded faintly and took a seat at an empty station, piling his back pack, sweater, and water bottle onto the cool surface. If nobody sat next to him for the rest of the year, he'd end up failing. How had Squall convinced him to take an advanced class? Honestly, Squall was the smart one between the two of them. Always back to Squall…

He sighed.

"You're sitting in my seat," someone from behind him purred.

He looked over his shoulder. Shadow stood, dressed in all black, and suppressed a shudder. "Um, sorry?"

Shadow frowned, but he didn't force Cloud off of his stool. Instead he took the seat beside him (_shit, I'm going to fail after all_). Cloud attempted to scoot as far away from the guy as possible. Nobody messed with Shadow. It was just fact. Just like nobody approached Sephiroth (and nobody got in Kefka's way, Kefka—the kill-crazy psycho who spent his entire day at school laughing about…whatever was in his head).

Couldn't someone _else_ have sat next to him? Well, he _had_ sat in Shadow's seat. It was his own fault for not paying attention. Or Hojo's—he had pressured Cloud into grabbing the closest seat to him.

Hojo didn't bother waiting for the bell. He tapped the board with his pointer and stared evenly at his students, his eyes drifting at a constant pace from one student to another (nobody liked sitting closest to the front of the class, but it couldn't be helped since this was an almost full class). "We are doing an experiment today. A real one," he added as an afterthought (he often added disdainful comments of the CP chemistry classes, since their experiments were normally throwing ingredients together and making ice cream—something Cloud wouldn't have mind doing since it was most likely easier than what Hojo had in mind). "Now, I'm trying to prove to Principle Shinra that you can handle this _mature_ project like the juniors that you are. So I would like to impress upon you how important it is how well you do." His gaze fell on Shadow, who was drawing something in pencil on the black shiny black surface of the lab station. "Clyde*! Pay attention to this, since you struggle with this the most. Follow my instructions _exactly,_ and I promise you'll enjoy my class."

_Great_, thought Cloud.

"We'll be working with dry ice today."

At this, Shadow looked up. _What's so great about dry ice?_ Cloud wondered.

After Hojo explained the experiment (more thoroughly than normal), he wrote the directions on the board and allowed them time to work on it. Cloud stared at Shadow, wondering how this would work out. Shadow stood up, oblivious to Cloud's stare, and walked to the back of the room where Hojo set out supplies. After gathering a few things (though not everything Hojo had instructed—of course, Cloud had taken notes voraciously in hopes to do this right), Shadow returned and arranged his tools around him in a half-moon.

Cloud just watched, more interested in what Shadow was doing than what he should have been doing. He picked up his water bottle and tipped his head back for a drink. And then Shadow tore his gaze away from his…experiment and stared at Cloud. "Are you done with that?"

Cloud shook it. Half empty. "Not yet." Cloud frowned. "Why?"

Shadow shrugged. "Can I have that when you're done?"

"Um, okay." Cloud still didn't get it, though.

"Do you mind finishing before class ends?"

"Right."

So Cloud started on his part of Shadow's project and downed the water. When it was all finished, Shadow all but snatched the bottle out of Cloud's fingers. He added it to his crescent of tools. Slipping on the thick gloves Hojo had given the class, he adjusted them and picked up the chunks of dry ice he had on the table. Situating them in front of him, he used the end of a pick to minimize each chunk and then deftly stuck the chunks of dry ice into the water bottle. He poured the water from the beaker into the bottle, promptly sealed the cap, aimed for the trash bin, and tossed the bottle into it. Hitting the rim at a practiced speed, the water bottle overturned the whole thing and within a second, before Hojo could even start screaming, the bottle exploded, and the trash bin shot up to the ceiling, thudding against the tiles firmly before toppling toward the ground.

A few girls who had been close by screamed and ran into the back of the room, and someone started laughing and clapping his hands. Shadow looked all too pleased and didn't argue when Hojo, wordlessly (his mouth moved much too fast to produce anything coherent), pointed to the door. He walked out, his shoulders squared, and turned towards the principal's office.

Aside from that mishap (which was probably the most exciting thing that had ever happened in Hojo's class), Cloud's morning classes had gone by without much interest. His math class was all right, except for that fact that he'd missed a week of his math classes (or two, if you figured that he wasn't paying attention that second week) and he had a two week winter break, so teacher might have well spoken in Greek because it made no sense.

In his English class, his teacher passed back their essays, on which Cloud had got his expected C-. He hadn't bothered looking through it before stuffing it into his binder and thumbing through the textbook while he waited for her stop passing back papers.

Ceramics was hell, but Shadow was back and he was busy at the wheel making an extremely distorted mug, though Cloud now had the faintest idea that Shadow knew a lot more than he let on—or, in other words, more than the teachers gave him credit for—and because of that, he created his…_stuff_. Cloud was more comfortable shaping things at a slower pace with his own hands (though nothing ever came out of it that was useful—his mug's handle had fallen off right when it came out of the kiln and his box had exploded _inside_ the kiln—and somehow the teacher had known it was his), so he didn't bother trying to sit next to him in hopes that maybe Shadow didn't hate him after all.

It wasn't until Psychology that anything happened. Psych was the only class that Cloud had ever had where he shared the classroom with his brother. Psychology was open to all juniors and seniors, but mostly seniors (on varsity football) took the course. Cloud hadn't realized (Basch hadn't thought to tell him) that Coach Highwind, the football coach, was the instructor, and so had taken the course. It was a joke, mostly. Highwind never taught the damn subject, he either talked about himself, his football team, or his million professions—apparently, he could make the best fireworks, he could fly a plane, he majored in astrophysics, he was the first white man on his football team back in the day to accept his black teammates, he had a father who was killed by a mafia member, and he was the best mechanic in the state.

Today, however, was not his "lecture" day ("I can't teach you losers everything, you really have to learn it yourselves"), and he had them doing one of the five assignments he assigned per chapter—vocabulary, outline, essay, and two pre-tests. Cloud was working on his vocabulary when someone poked him from behind.

He looked up from his book. Zack, Seifer, and Basch were circled around Coach Highwind's desk (how conveniently Coach Highwind arranged the seating chart) and were chatting with him. Zack (aside from Basch) was the only one who bothered him in this class—Seifer normally pretended as if Cloud was gum on his shoe and tried to ignore him or separate himself from Cloud when they were in this particular class (Cloud assumed it was because Seifer kissed Highwind's ass on a daily basis and Cloud just happened to be one of Highwind's favorites because he was quiet while everyone else couldn't shut up, and Seifer would never treat Cloud nicely but he would ignore him).

So who was tapping his shoulder? Well, only one way to find out.

Cloud turned around and stared into Tifa's big brown eyes. "Hey, Cloud."

He blinked. "Uh, hey, Tifa."

His reply, however uncertain or bland, made her happy. She straightened up and beamed at him. "Do you have _any_ idea what we're learning in this chapter?"

He shook his head. "No, but that's not saying much. I normally fail his tests."

She hooked her brown hair behind her ears and lifted a questioning eyebrow. "I thought you're one of the As in this class?"

Cloud shrugged one shoulder. "Yeah, I think it's because he likes my brother."

She groaned. "I hate teachers with favorites, but I guess you're pretty happy, right?"

Was this really necessary? Who cared? Cloud tried to hide his annoyance, but he really just wanted to get back to his vocabulary list. There were forty-two words he had to get through, and he wanted to utilize his class time more effectively. But Tifa didn't give up.

"I'm not getting that bad a grade, myself, though._ I'm_ not complaining. It's such a shame that we have that essay due on Monday—I mean, what if we're busy? I don't normally care, but you know."

Cloud stared. Was she done yet?

He mentally slapped himself. _You're turning into Squall!_

Trying to assert himself, he forced a nod. "Yeah, we have lives, right?"

"Yeah!" She nodded enthusiastically. "Especially with that dance coming up!"

Why did high school revolve around those stupid dances? Cloud hated dancing.

"Do you have a date?"

"Uh, no, actually not." _And I don't want one. I wouldn't even know what to do with one!_

"Well," Tifa started slowly, her smile flickering a bit, "I don't have one either, so maybe…you know…we could go together?—as friends, of course," she added hastily.

"No, I really hate dances. I wouldn't go to one unless I really, really liked the person I was taking," Cloud told her honestly with a shrug. Only Squall fell into that category, and Squall was all right with missing those social functions, anyway.

Tifa's face fell. "Oh, uh, okay."

Cloud frowned. Had he said something wrong?

She smiled again, though not as brightly as before, and said, "Yeah, it would have been awkward going with my neighbor. People would have thought we were a couple or something. Weird." She shuddered and then looked away. "I'm gonna get back to work, okay, Cloud?"

"Okay." Cloud faced forward again. He felt as if he should have been glad that she done with her pointless talking, but then…he wasn't. He felt as if he was missing something. Brushing it aside with a heavy sigh, he returned to the vocabulary and waited until lunch.

Lunch…the most dreaded time of the day. He snuck out of the classroom while Basch was still glued to Coach Highwind's hip and headed for the quad. He needed to find protection—and fast. A lot of the track team hung out underneath the library's overhang, where a cluster of tables were, and he thought he'd might join them, but he caught sight of them and froze. What if they were angry with him for not coming to practices? Coach Valentine would certainly have held practice during vacation, too, which only added to the many practices he'd been avoiding.

He searched the area for other possible candidates. None. Lu wasn't even in her normal spot underneath the oak tree (but she'd begun to hang out in the cafeteria after Cloud's sudden absence from her life, so it wasn't unusual anymore). In her place where the two untouchable seniors, Fran and Balthier lounging on the brick wall. He saw Aerith and Terra winding their way through the crowd to the cafeteria, and though he didn't mind their company, he did mind the boys who hung out with them (and he minded Rinoa's company, as well). He saw Shadow trekking across the blacktop toward the cafeteria, too, but Cloud decided not to push his new-found companionship with the guy—after all, he did want a science partner for the rest of the semester.

He considered just sitting really close to a large group of people so Basch thought he was part of them, but something drew him away from his task of finding a group worthy enough. And he liked it less than Basch.

"You! Strife, you've got detention!" A deep, rough voice boomed from behind him.

Cloud turned. "What are you talking about, Seifer?"

With his hands on his hips and smug smile plastered on his face, Seifer replied promptly, "I saw your car in the parking lot this morning."

"I have a permit, jackass."

Seifer looked up the sky with a fake calculating look. "Okay, that's two detentions, one for parking your car here without a permit and one for disrespecting a member of the disciplinary committee."

Cloud's jaw dropped. "What the fuck?"

"Okay, three." When Cloud just gaped, Seifer expanded. "Cursing to a member of the disciplinary committee. Besides, I know that permit isn't yours. You haven't gotten a permit for that car yet."

"You can't be serious."

"Oh, but I am. Today after school, Highwind's classroom. Reno and Rude will be waiting for you."

"Wh—I didn't do anything wrong!" Cloud protested.

"Words falling on deaf ears, retard farm."

Cloud hated himself for this, but he had to pull the one wild card he had. "Basch won't let you do that."

Seifer titled his head back and laughed. "He's staying after school for some stupid pansyass project with his bitch—what he has to go through with her to get laid is too much. If Rinoa was that hard, I'll toss her ass—h-hey, babe, I thought you were with Aerith and Terra."

Rinoa only flashed her teeth seductively and sidled up to Seifer. Rolling his eyes, Cloud brushed passed them.

"Remember, detention, butt-wipe. After school!" Seifer hollered over his shoulder. Cloud flipped him off. Leave it to Asshole Almasy to use anything and everything to torture Cloud.

Cloud ultimately decided to be a nomad and wonder around the school. If he always kept on the move, he had a bigger chance of missing Basch than if he stuck in one. At least walking around would give him something to do while offering better opportunities to keep on the lookout.

Of course, the one person he didn't want to see had to sneak up behind him. Actually, it wasn't really sneaking, per se. Zack had fallen into step beside him, his hands in his pockets, his mouth surprisingly closed. Cloud thought for a moment that Zack was starting to get better at approaching him. Silence was the first step to get Cloud willing to speak.

Cloud hadn't noticed Zack at first, though, instead he was lost in thoughts about—about what? The fact that his overprotective brother liked to humiliate him by making his friends hang out with him, or the fact that his love had left him after Cloud had offered everything and more to him, or the fact that his love hadn't called him, left him a message, or given him a number? Or was it the fact that it still hurt, even though several weeks had passed? It was then, thinking about Squall, and how they'd be sitting under that oak tree by the high school plaque with Lulu, either in silence or making fun of their instructors, that Cloud half turned his head and noticed Zack beside him.

He started, his eyes wide. "When'd you get here?"

Zack shrugged. "Only a minute ago. It looked like you were deep in thought."

"Did Basch send you?"

"Why is it that Basch has to sic me on you in order for me to wanna talk to you? Honestly, kid, you looked so sad by yourself."

"I'm not sad," Cloud protested firmly, the added to save himself, "I'm just pissed off at Seifer?"

Zack chuckled, felt Cloud's eyes bore into him, and stifled it into a cough. "What'd he do now?" he asked, straining to sound unamused.

Cloud trampled out the urge to punch Zack. "He gave me detention—for no reason!"

"Hehe, he got you, too?"

Cloud wiped a stray blond strand out of his face and looked up at Zack. "What do you mean, 'he got you, too'?"

"The sucker gave me detention, just a minute ago. I was _power-__walking_ to buy those chocolate chip cookies from the cookie lady before everyone got them and Seifer stopped me and was like, 'I can't have you running around my halls like that, Fair. Detention. Coach's classroom!'" Zack said, trying his best to imitate Seifer's baritone. He busted out laughing at his own weak attempts, and Cloud wondered why Seifer only managed to infuriate him.

"You're not planning his death?" Cloud asked, doubtfully.

Zack laughed and nudged Cloud with his hip. "No, are you?"

Cloud looked at his feet and muttered, "Yes."

"Well, that was why you looked so deep in thought! Well, hey, if you need a extra pair of hands, you've got mine!"

"I'll put them to good use," Cloud assured him, slyly peering out beneath long lashes.

"It worked out for the best, right?"

Cloud eyes widened skeptically. Zack hurried to elucidate his idea. "You and I…stuck in detention? C'mon, some quality bonding time!"

Cloud moaned. "I hate Seifer."

"It'll be fun. I can teach you how to make paper airplanes! Hey, I heard Shadow blew up the trash can in Hojo's class, I'll bet we see him, too."

Out of the two of them, Shadow's silent company was more preferable. "I know, I was there."

"You saw him? Dang, do you want to teach me how to make an ice bomb then?"

"_Dry_ ice."

"Ice, dry ice, it's all the same."

Cloud swore he remembered Hojo claiming that dry ice was frozen carbon dioxide, but he shrugged. "Sure, whatever."

"This is gonna be fun!"

Cloud, unfortunately, had a different idea on how detention would come to pass, and it didn't start with an F.

The last period of the day dragged. Tifa sat next to him in World History, like she normally did, and, as usual, she didn't speak to him, though the silence felt as if she wanted to say something to him, but every time she turned to him, her mouth never seemed to move. Cloud pretended as if he didn't see her sudden turn. It happened three times, and each time seemed to slow time down. Cloud focused on staying awake. Their teacher had them filling out a timeline, and she refused to let them leave until they had finished.

Cloud took his time walking to Highwind's classroom. Maybe he would pass by Basch, and Basch, being Basch, would go after Seifer to punch him and beat him to a pulp. Fate, as always, was not on his side. He made it to Highwind's class without any sighting.

Highwind's previous class had been emptied out by the time Cloud arrived, and he was just leaving. He greeted Cloud and then chastised him for getting detention (but credited his detention to Reno—"that fool, giving detentions for absolutely no reason whatsoever, I can't believe Almasy allows him on the Committee!"

Cloud crept into the room, hoping to find a seat surrounded by strangers, so Zack couldn't sit next to him, but the entire classroom was empty, except for a blond who sulked in the corner, Shadow who was busy drawing on the desk with a sharpie, Zack who was waving madly from the center of the classroom, and Reno and Rude who sat behind Highwind's desk.

"Cloud! Sit here! I saved you a seat!" Zack exclaimed. As if the class was full.

Cloud slipped into the desk with a sudden dread. "Gee, Zack, you shouldn't have."

Zack didn't catch his sarcasm. He beamed. "I wanted you to sit with me. I wanted to talk to you about something. I signed you in and everything."

Oh, damn it! It was a trap! _I knew it. Damn Seifer!_ Cloud looked to Reno and Rude. "Isn't it a rule that we can't speak in detention?"

Zack waved his hand in the air dismissively. "Oh, they don't care! Seifer's the one who gets all crazy when someone talks in detention."

Cloud put his head down on the table and closed his eyes. "I think I'm going to sleep, then."

A warm hand fell on his shoulder and shook it a little. "Come on, Cloud. I really wanted to talk to you about something. It's important."

"I hate you more every time you say that," Cloud moaned.

"It's not about Roxas."

Cloud flinched at the name, but otherwise did nothing. Zack only tightened his grip. "I wanted to talk to you about girls."

"I'm sure I've told you once, and I'll tell you this one last time—I couldn't care less what your love life is like."

Zack shook him. "No, no, no, I'm talking about _your_ love life."

Cloud peeked up at Zack from his elbow. "My love life?" _Yeah, I wouldn't be mentioning girls then._

…

…

…

It was then that Cloud had an idea, no matter how hateful. If Zack had dated R—another _guy_, then that meant he didn't mind…gays. So…what if…perhaps…_in some way_…he told Zack about Squall? Maybe ask for advice?

No, he shoved the idea as far back in his mind as he could. No way. That was a secret between him and Squall. It was a precious secret, and Zack wasn't exactly the kind of guy you could trust with something that significant.

But what if…? Nah.

"That's what I said. Your love life."

Cloud lifted his head and stared dubiously at the man in front of him. "What's wrong with it?"

"Well," Zack scratched his chin (where the faintest trace of peach fuzz clustered), "aside from the fact that you don't have one, I'd say the problem is how you handle possible candidates."

"Excuse me?"

"Okay, I'm not sure how to put this gently, so I'm just going to come out and say it. Um, so, Tifa…you know, your neighbor—"

"I know who Tifa is," Cloud snapped.

Zack held up his hands in peace. "Just checking, you seem to be pretty oblivious to everything else. Okay, okay, I'm gonna continue," Zack conceded calmly before moving on. "She's…like…totally and entirely and absolutely in love with you."

Cloud buried his head back in his arms on the desk. "Shut up, Zack."

"She is! I mean it, and she totally asked you out today and you…" Zack chuckled, "You were pretty brutal."

Cloud's head shot up. "What? She asked me _out_?"

Zack shrugged. "Yeah, according to Aerith, who got it from Terra, who got it from Celes, who reportedly got it from Tifa."

"When? I haven't even—well, okay, she asked if I wanted to go…_oh_." Cloud couldn't hide the blush that expanded in his cheeks and he closed his eyes. "Shit."

"Yeah. I mean, it's okay to be honest, I guess, but…you really gotta stop…being _brutally_ honest." Zack took his hand off of Cloud's shoulder and combed his fingers through his dark hair. "Are you sure you don't like Tifa at _all_?"

"…She's nice?"

Zack shook his head. "Her boobs don't tempt you?"

"Um, no."

"You're not gay, are you, Cloud?" Zack chuckled.

Cloud wanted to scratch his nails across Zack's face—but only for a second.

"You really don't like her? Maybe you just don't know her well enough or something."

"Are you telling me to go out with Tifa? She's my neighbor."

"So? She likes you, and, I'm pretty sure, she's liked you for a long ass time."

"I'm frickin' not going out with Tifa!" Cloud whispered fiercely.

Zack shrugged. "So who _do_ you like?"

Squall. "Nobody."

"C'mon, I'm curious!"

"Curiosity killed the cat, Zack."

"It's a good thing I'm not a cat, now, is it?"

_You're too loud to be a cat,_ Cloud thought. "Look—"

"Hey! Strife! No talking!"

Cloud looked over his shoulder at Seifer, who blocked the sun's ray with his massive body in the doorway. "That's your sixth detention!"

"I think it's my _forth_, actually."

"Fine, seven. Reno, you counting? If Cloud's not here for six more detentions, he's going to Saturday detention!"

"Ease up on the kid, man," Reno murmured, kicking his feet up on Highwind's desk. "He's just a kid."

/ - / - / - / - / - /

**Author's Note:** I'm a little upset that Cloud's emotions aren't portrayed that well in this chapter, he's kinda just drifting, and there is certainly a lot of emotion going on around here (and I know it's obvious that Cloud's pissed off at Seifer and all that; I'm thinking more on the lines of how sad he is that Squall's not there at school to suffer with him). Also, I'm…just not content with Zack and Cloud's conversation. Something is really missing. :(

So Cloud and Tifa, huh? That happened a little quickly. I had meant to have a chapter or two between Tifa's asking Cloud out and Zack's lecturing on how to handle girls, but I'm…pretty lazy. I figured it would be okay if it's in the same chapter because it happens while it's fresh in Zack's mind. Also, I needed an excuse for Cloud and Zack's relationship to escalate to a friendship so Cloud gets the 411 on Zack and Aerith's relationship.

Another thing. I was considering switching to Zack's point of view for a chapter. I thought it would be a little nice, since it would let you into Zack's mind a bit, it would serve as a breather from Cloud who tries to ignore everything, it would make the stuff going on between Zack and Aerith more powerful, and there would be more Basch-as-a-friend than Basch-as-an-overprotective-big-brother (which would be a nice change, right?). I'm not sure I want to do this for several reasons—first, I wanted this story to be personal to Cloud, so you could connect with him entirely, and thus it should be Cloud-centric. Second, Zack and I are at opposite ends of the spectrum, and I already have a hard time writing him in the small parts he's in. Third, there is a chance that Roxas would come up, and Zack isn't Cloud; he _will_ think about Roxas and in detail (I imagine I can avoid revealing anything, though, it just might take a few tries). I guess what I'm asking is: _**would you like to hear from Zack?**_ -wipes brow- that was easy, wasn't it?

I promised myself to cut down on author's notes. I promise, my next update will have a short author's note. Short. Also, um, _Shadow_? lol No idea how he entered my story.

* I am a firm believer that Shadow is Clyde Arrowy, Relm's father, as seen in the dreams he has when he's in the party (Final Fantasy III/VI)


	8. Chapter 8: Shadows

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the rights to any Final Fantasy character, nor do I profit from using them; Square Enix owns all the rights.

**Author's Note:** It's been a while, hasn't it? Nope, I haven't forgotten about this story yet! I'll admit, for a while I was losing focus. So I had to rewrite this chapter after extensive planning. I knew what was going to happen, so I could throw in foreshadowing here and there _now_, but I had no idea how I was going to get _there_, if that makes any sense whatsoever. I have…a better understanding now, though not as much as I wanted.

**What They Leave Behind**

**Chapter 8**

_Shadows_

It was a Friday night when Cloud found a moment to himself, without Basch, without Zack, and especially without Tifa. Zack had come home with Cloud after they shared detention together and, like always, made himself comfortable. He made himself a snack and a drink and talked on the phone at the kitchen table, asking if Aerith wanted to do anything special tonight or if she would hang out with everyone. Zack had tried convincing Cloud to tag along, but he stubbornly refused. Basch came home, and the pleading ensued. Cloud 'gave in' and went upstairs to get ready, only to climb out the window and down the wall (and ultimately fall).

And now it was silent outside. Cloud hoped Basch just let him wander and went to the party without him, but Fate never blessed him, so he made it a point to stay away from the light pouring out of street lamps.

It was frosty outside, an icy wind came sweeping down the street, blowing trash and leaves toward Cloud. He flipped the hood of his jacket over his head and then tucked his hands deep in his pockets. It was going to be a long night.

In the distance, he could hear music blasting. Probably the party that Basch was at. He probably should have gone. He really needed to get back into the swing of things. He needed to come back to life. But it hurt too much to see how well Zack, Basch, and Seifer acted around him, the camaraderie they showed each other. He doubted he could ever find someone like that, someone he could trust that much, someone he could let his guard down to ever again.

He crossed the street into the park, where the hill dipped into a large grassy field. A few guys were still out playing baseball underneath the white stadium lights above the baseball diamond, but Cloud didn't recognize any of them. They were a little too old to attend high school, at any rate.

With his head bent, he headed to the thicket of trees on the far side of the park. As soon as he got there, he would pass the picnic benches to the creek, to that bridge, and he would sit there like on so many nights when his mind was so full and heavy it was hard to keep up. This past week at school had taught him that Squall had left behind too much. Why couldn't he just call? Cloud wasn't asking for Squall to catch a plane and fly all the way back to Midgar—Midgar, the city Squall hated the most, where the smog was the thickest and the people were most crowded—he just wanted a simple phone call. That wasn't too much to ask, was it?

How long had it been since he'd seen Squall? Had touched Squall? Cloud had been counting. Six weeks and three days. And it still hurt like it did on the day Squall's fingers dug into his skin and tainted Cloud's world a sullen shade of black.

When the bridge came into view, Cloud couldn't keep his gaze on his feet anymore. The bridge drew his eyes like a moth to a flame. It didn't matter how much it hurt to see it, he couldn't tear his eyes away from the wooden structure, and he couldn't stop the memories that came flooding back.

He remembered the first time he had come here after Roxas's accident. He had crept up on the bridge, almost as if Roxas would have come crashing down out of nowhere on top of him, and sat down underneath it on the bank hardly wide enough for him to sit cross-legged. And that's when he'd noticed the blood stained on some of the stones. And somehow that made it all the more sacred.

He approached it warily this time. Somehow the shadowy bridge was daunting at this time of night, whether because it was the only time Cloud felt close to Roxas anymore or because the shadows were long and sharp and endless. He shivered in his jacket and then hopped down onto the bank before following alongside the creek underneath the bridge.

The bridge was large, considering the size of the creek running beneath it, but it was old and rickety with sunken-in wood and wobbly planks. The city should have taken it down as a hazard, especially being so close to a park where children often roamed free, but it stayed there. Even though it made him angry to think that this bridge was the cause of his brother's decline, even though it was painful to see it, he felt at peace here.

He sat on the sandy bank and pulled up his knees, resting his chin on them. This was where he came when he needed to think or when he needed to get away.

He'd missed more than enough days of practice to be kicked off the team, but Terra had come up to him at lunch to tell him to start coming. Actually, several teammates had cornered him one time or another at school this pat week, but he told them he was done with track. He didn't want to run anymore.

He wasn't sure what it was about Squall leaving that made him lose interest in all the things he previously liked, but there it was. He liked running, but now running seemed tainted or hard or just something that took up the time he was not willing to give away, but what did he use that time for now? Brooding? Hadn't he stayed at home and brooded enough during his winter vacation? Wasn't it time to step forward and move on? Surely there were better girls and boys out there that he could love just as much, right?

And he was taking the necessary steps toward healing, was he? He went to school, he asserted himself—he even asked Miss Julia if he could improve his grade in any way and accepted the tedious assignment she had assigned him. She had seemed excited about it, but Cloud wasn't quite sure who he'd choose to write his essay about, and how would he even make a thesis out of someone he knew? It sounded ridiculous to him, but he wanted to get a better grade in his English class.

There was the friend issue, as well. Cloud hadn't forged any new friendships, but he'd managed to sit next to Shadow in every Chemistry class and had Shadow explain a few concepts to him which had been entirely foreign. But that was the only time of companionship Cloud could manage right now. Between Zack and Basch and Tifa forcing their company unto him and Shadow brushing off his company, Cloud found no room for a best friend.

But if Squall just called…

Branches crunching underfoot and loud voices echoed through the wooded area and settled around Cloud. Stirring, Cloud held himself closer and sunk deeper against the wooden arch.

Someone giggled and threw a stone into the creek with a big splash.

"You getting any tonight, Basch?"

"Seifer, is that _all_ you think about?" asked Zack. He seemed closest to Cloud; his voice was the loudest and clearest.

"I know it's all _you_ think about." Seifer chuckled.

Basch answered, oblivious to Zack and Seifer's exchange of words. "I took Terra home. She had a headache."

Cloud could almost see Seifer throwing his head back as he cackled madly. "Fuck, Basch, always playing the prince? For what? Some bitch who doesn't—"

"I don't see you with Rinoa tonight," Zack countered. Leave it to Zack to defend everyone.

"She's at home, where she should be, until I'm done," Seifer huffed.

Someone started walking across the bridge, the loose planks groaned and croaked under foot. Cloud hugged his knees. It would hurt if someone fell on top of him, but it would be worse when they discovered him, listening to their conversation—it wasn't like he had much of a choice, anyway. _They_ invaded _his_ space. The bridge stopped groaning just as the person stopped at the pinnacle of the arch and stood still there.

The conversation went on, just Zack and Seifer going back and forth until Zack broke free and directed his attention to Basch. "Hey, Basch, why are so you quiet?"

Seifer snorted. "Just because you have to hear the sound of your own voice every—"

"I was asking because I think something's up. I know you're not interested in anything but yourself, but—"

"Take a chill pill, Zacky boy. Shit. You don't have to get all snippy at me. I was kidding." And to prove Zack wrong, Seifer asked, "Basch, you all right?"

There was a silence before Basch responded. It was probably nothing, but it made Cloud shiver more. Basch wanted to be serious…Basch was standing in the place where Roxas had his accident…They were all drunk to some extent…This conversation was not going to be good.

He looked around. They were on his left (and Basch was above him, no doubt facing his left). If he could sneak out the back, they would never notice that he'd been there. He wouldn't get caught, wouldn't have to suffer, wouldn't—

"I figured he'd be here, you know? Right after Roxas…Roxas's accident, I used to find Cloud on the bridge, looking down at the creek. He'd always be here when he went missing." He sighed. "I guess he doesn't come here anymore, though. He doesn't want anything to do with Roxas."

Seifer shifted uncomfortably, his clothes rustling as he moved restlessly. He said nothing, though. Cloud half expected it. It was either that Seifer closed his mouth during Basch's pensive brooding or he told Basch to can it.

"I just don't know what to do about it."

This time, Seifer did say something. "Why are you ruining a good night talking about him? C'mon, he's being a pussy. Give him a while and he'll learn how to be a man and get over it."

"Ignoring something isn't exactly getting over it," Zack muttered.

"Who cut off your balls and made you a woman?"

"Nah, Seif's right. I don't even know why I brought it up," Basch said wistfully.

Cloud didn't need light to see the gloating smile that spread across Seifer's face. "All matters resolved. Is that all you wanted to come here for? Okay, c'mon, let's go. I bet Reno's party's still happening."

Basch muttered something, and the voices and footsteps then disappeared. Cloud let out a deep breath. He made it through that alive. And he hadn't heard anything he didn't want to hear!

Cloud readied himself to stand up and leave but approaching footsteps made him freeze. In the past few weeks, Zack had been annoyingly taking every opportunity to bug Cloud, and his first thought was that Zack was coming for him, but then he remembered that they couldn't have seen him tucked away underneath the bridge. He was safe. But that didn't mean no one was coming, whether or not they came for him.

He stood up, trying to keep his feet firmly planted in the ground as not to disrupt the pebbles scattered underfoot.

"Cloud, I know you're here," said a deep, familiar voice. Though Cloud thanked the heavens for allowing him to escape the alleged Rico Suave, but cursed himself for having such bad luck as to land him in the middle of Roxas's former hiding place with someone he could certainly do without on this night.

"How'd you know I was here?" Cloud questioned, coming out from underneath the bridge and looking around the darkened area for an inky shadow.

There, at the base of the bridge, one hand firmly gripping the railing and the other hanging limply at his side, Basch stood still. "I figured as much. Like I said, you always used to come here."

_Roxas used to always come here. I came only after the accident,_ he mentally corrected his brother. "Not anymore. Why didn't you go with Seifer and Zack?"

"I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to ask you something."

_Not about Roxas. I won't answer_. "What?" His voice came out sharper than he intended, but he didn't apologize.

"Did…did you know?"

"Know _what_?"

"Did you know that Roxas was going to…?" Basch swallowed deeply but didn't make an attempt to finish his question.

Cloud's face filled with blood and he balled his fists at his sides. He wanted to scream, "Yes, I _knew_ he wanted to kill himself, and I _let_ him leave without _asking_ about anything. I didn't expect him to come home, and I _still_ let him go! I didn't ask him what happened or offer words of comfort! I'm not a good brother! I _deserve_ to be unhappy! You're better than me, why do you even have to ask?!" But he couldn't admit it. Not aloud.

Instead, Cloud bowed his head and responded, "I…I had an idea." _Go ahead, scream at me._

But Basch didn't reply.

They wrapped themselves in a prickly silence, both standing far apart yet close by one another. The cool breeze whipped across their faces, which offered stiff resistance.

Finally, Basch's voice penetrated the silence. "How's school going, Cloud? I saw you outside with Shadow mixing the glazes for Ceramics. Mix the colors again?" A forced chuckled briefly echoed through the trees.

Taking the opportunity to cut through all the uneasy places in their relationship, Cloud asserted himself. "All the glazes are the same color—pink. Oh, except the black is one shade darker than the yellow."

"Do you need a ride home?"

Cloud winced. "Are Zack and Seifer crashing at our place tonight?"

Basch held out his arm, waiting for Cloud to step forward, and then draped it across Cloud's shoulder. "They always do when they're drunk. Mom's cool about it."

_I wish you'd be cool about me drinking_, Cloud thought glumly. As Basch pulled him tighter, Cloud caught a whiff of Budweiser beer on his breath. _On second thought, who wants to drink something that smells like that? _

Basch continued. "They'll come over later. I told them I wanted to…you know…talk to you. We don't talk anymore."

While Cloud thought that Basch's demeanor was normally relatively solemn, he didn't like when Basch kept a perpetual frown on his face. He didn't like the wrinkles that formed on his big brother's forehead or the lips that straightened into a flat line. And he most certainly didn't like when Basch was sad, when he went into that thoughtful mode where all he ever wanted to discuss was exactly Cloud wanted to ignore.

_We never talked, that was me and Roxas's deal_, he thought. "Yeah, we don't."

"We used to be pretty close."

Cloud figured it was Roxas that Basch was thinking about, since Cloud hadn't been very close to Basch—ever. Roxas, though, he built relationships with everyone. "Yeah."

Basch guided him back to his pick up truck, which was in the parking lot behind the baseball diamond. The only sound between them was the wind, and Cloud was relieved that when they climbed into the truck and Basch turned the engine on, the music easily filled in the gap of silence in low but steady waves.

Cloud was glad that they survived the night without having to discuss anything more, but he couldn't help the resentment he felt at meeting Basch at his and Roxas's sacred place—Basch's presence and attempt at conversation initiated more thoughts of Roxas…They were like sharks, circling him, taunting him, mocking him because he had nowhere to escape.

Keeping his head bowed as he bounded up the stairs, taking it two steps at a time, Cloud tried calming his beating heart and keeping his breathing steady. Once in his room behind a locked door, he collapsed on his bed and closed his eyes, demanding any thoughts of Roxas to disappear. How long had it been? Why couldn't Cloud just get over it? It was always in circles he went, constantly cycling his emotions and never quite disposing of them—disposing? Is that what he needed to do? Did that mean _forgetting_ Roxas?

But how could he? How could he rightfully put aside all those years they had shared a room and shared their ideas, sought affection when sad, and sometimes picked fights when frustrated?

Easily, he answered himself, recalling Zack's words in the park that one day. "Because _that_ wasn't Roxas."

He hadn't _known_ Roxas. What they shared wasn't some deep rooted brotherhood and friendship, not like he had thought. He'd told his younger brother everything, but Roxas himself hadn't shared with him—hadn't _trusted_ him enough to share with him. What was it about himself that wasn't trustable? Did he tell Mom or Basch others' secrets? Did he blackmail others? No, he was trustworthy—Squall had trusted him, and trust was hard to come by with that teen.

A vicious cycle.

Cloud forced himself out of his bed and went through his nightly routine for sleep. He knew what awaited him when Sleep called, it was unavoidable; he might as well get it over with. The sooner he went to sleep, the dreams of Squall's fingers on his skin and lips on his own, and Roxas's blood splattered over the stones by the river and his screams echoing but never fully dying, the sooner _those_ dreams ended. The sooner the sun came up.

He dressed in some flannel pajamas pants and a long sleeved shirt, brushed his teeth, the normal steps he took before bed every night. Then he went downstairs for a glass of water.

The living room was cold and dark; Mom must have already gone to bed. He hadn't heard Zack or Seifer arrive—and when they were drunk it was impossible not to hear them, especially because they went out of their way to make a fool out of Cloud on a daily basis—but he wasn't really in the mood to deal with them. He snuck down the hall to the kitchen, not bothering to turn on the light. The pure light of the waxing moon poured into the kitchen window and lit it up well enough for him to snatch a glass of water and grab Trazodone from the kitchen cupboard.

"Hey, hey, Cloudy."

Cloud jumped. A shadow at the counter shifted towards the light a bit, enough to show the outline of Zack's face. Cloud's memory filled in all the trivial details, like color, and he only managed to stare at him stupidly.

"Are you sleep walkin' or are you with me?" Zack shuffled forward a few steps and waved his arms around as if it would catch Cloud's attention.

Cloud jerked back as if waking up from a dream. "No, I don't sleep walk."

"You don't sound too good there, kid. You get drunk?"

It took a little longer to process Zack's question, but then Cloud shook his head fiercely. "No, no, no. Just a long night."

"Nightmare?"

"Not yet," Cloud grumbled, bowing his head and brushing past Zack for a glass.

Cloud could only take the deep rumble emanating from Zack as a chuckle. "Not yet, but planning on it?"

"Unfortunately."

"Simple solution. Don't go to sleep."

He looked over his shoulder at Zack with a sour look on his face as he turned the faucet on and filled up his glass. "I doubt I'll make it through the weekend. I'll take my chances sleeping now."

"What are you so scared of? I'm sure there aren't any monsters lurking under you bed anymore."

Cloud rolled his eyes and headed for the cabinet. "Monsters under my bed are nothing compared the monsters in my head." Cloud had to stand on his tippy-toes to reach the top shelf, and he really had to stretch (he wasn't exactly in the mood to climb up the counter to get it).

The sudden onslaught of intense heat and the gentle patters of beer-scented breath on his hair informed him that something very big was standing not an inch behind him. He didn't have to see Zack's raised hand easily surpass his own to know that he was there. "Whaddya need, buddy? Motrin?"

"Trazodone. It's in a small bottle." Cloud felt inclined to tell him that it came in an orange, pharmaceutical bottle, thin but tall, but realized that color coding wouldn't help in the dark. The thought of moving away from the heat waves pulsing off of Zack never crossed Cloud's mind.

Zack examined a bottle, but when nothing useful came out of his examination, he waved it in front of Cloud's face and asked, "Is this it?"

"That's ibuprofen."

"Shit, you have the drugs memorized?"

"I'm just experienced."

Seizing another bottle from the top shelf, he repeated himself. "Is this it?"

"Yeah, that's it." Cloud grabbed the bottle out of Zack's hand and opened it.

"What's that Tranzidone for?"

"Trazodone. And wouldn't you like to know."

Zack backed off and immediately the icy cold air coiled around Cloud. Cloud shivered. "Is that to help you sleep?"

"It's for...yeah, it's for insomnia." Cloud wasn't going to explain to Zack that Trazodone was the magic cure; it was an anti-anxiety anti-depressant that also cured insomnia. Cloud wasn't sure if the axiolytic and anti-depressant ever kicked in, but he was sure that the sedative did. He'd be out all night, and if he was lucky, he wouldn't have any dreams.

"Do you take it every night?" Zack tilted his head to one side as he thought about it and studied Cloud as he tossed the pill in his mouth and took a swig of water.

"No, I'd never wake up for school if I took it on school nights. I only take it when I really need it."

"You're really scared to dream, aren't you?"

Cloud shrugged, then handed the bottle back to Zack. "Can you put that back on the shelf?"

"Sure thing. Hey, Cloud, if you get scared, you can sleep down here with me and Seif. We won't let anything happened to you."

"You don't get it. I'm not scared of the boogeyman, Zack. I'm scared of myself, of my thoughts. You and Seifer can't do shit against that."

"Oh. I see." Then Zack's hand unexpected lashed out and grabbed Cloud's shoulder. "Maybe if we talked about something pleasant before you went to bed? Or—I know, what if you put a feather underneath your pillow." Cloud was about to exclaim his skepticism, but Zack quickly elaborated. "They say if you put a feather underneath your pillow, then you will dream of flying. Sounds good, huh?"

Cloud maneuvered out of Zack's grip and replied, "I'll pass."

"Well, let's just talk about something pleasant," suggested Zack, re-latching onto Cloud and directing him to the counter. He pushed Cloud, who resisted little, onto the stool and straddled the other stool beside him. Cloud only gave him his look of displeasure. Zack grinned. "And that doesn't mean love life…if you don't want to. Just tell me when the pill kicks in, so you don't just pass out on the counter, okay?"

Cloud made a rude noise. "That's unlikely to happen."

"You never know." Zack nudged him. "So what does Cloud Strife think is pleasant?"

"Earthquakes, floods, tsunamis, and death tolls," groaned Cloud. He took a moment to ponder his response. _Odd_.

"That's a little morbid. Let's talk about something else." Though Cloud couldn't directly see it, it was more a feeling, Zack's eyes softened. "How's Squall doing? Is he having fun? You know, any new cute girls hanging onto him or anything?"

Cloud stiffened, and then a violent shudder wracked his body. Zack instinctually threw his arm around Cloud's shoulder to steady him and squeezed him. "Was that wrong to ask?"

Cloud pushed him away and scooted over as far on his stool as possible from Zack. He decidedly ignored the last question. "I don't know," he replied through gritted teeth. "He hasn't called."

Zack withdrew and slouched over the counter. "Hey, Cloud, can I ask you a question?—Now, don't get mad or anything."

"Go ahead. I won't get mad."

"Promise?"

Doggedly. "Yes."

"You and Squall weren't just friends, were you?"

Silence.

"Cloud?"

"How'd you know?"

"Ugh!" Zack straightened up. "I know you have a pretty low opinion of my intelligence, but rest assured I have fully functional brain _and_ eyes." He paused and reached out to Cloud, only for his hand to fall short an inch when he decided against making contact. "You fell pretty hard when he left. It wasn't that hard to miss."

Cloud couldn't look at him. "Is this what you think is going to give me pleasant dreams?"

"One more question."

Cloud stood up. "I'm tired now. I'm going to bed."

"Please. One more question." The pleading was apparent in the darkened kitchen, and Cloud gave in. He waited for a response. "You didn't sleep with him, did you?"

"Do you think I'd tell you?" Cloud snarled, his anger flaring. Who did Zack think he was?

"No, but that was answer enough."

Cloud growled and rubbed his temples.

"Hey, Cloud, that's why you were crying that day." It wasn't a question.

"I wasn't _crying_," Cloud protested vehemently.

"Okay, okay, that's why you were _upset_. Because…you…you…weren't ready."

"I was _upset_ because my best friend left for a city on the other side of the country!" Cloud spun on his heels and stormed out of the room.

Zack got up and followed, whispering fiercely behind him. "C'mon, Cloud, what is it about me that's not trustable?"

Cloud froze, his own thoughts about himself waving like a banner in his head as Zack repeated them as if he'd known. Of course, this situation was entirely different. He looked at up at Zack, who stopped and jerked back, unsure how to interpret Cloud's expression. He didn't have to tell Zack anything. He hardly even knew the guy. Okay, that was a lie…but still…_Zack's loyalty is with Basch, remember?_

"Does that make me less of a man?" he blurted out. His eyes widened in shock at the sound of his own question and he blinked ferociously as if to assure himself he was still, indeed, awake.

Zack shook his head, his expression lost to the darkness. "No," he replied softly. "Not at all." Cloud didn't see him move forward, but he most certainly felt his strong arms wrap around him. He felt the way his own body melted against Zack, how the heat engulfed him, how heavy his eyelids became. He returned the embrace, taking in Zack's Old Spice scent, and sighed.

Maybe the dreams wouldn't be so bad tonight.

/ - / - / - / - / - /

**Author's Note (Again):** I am extremely displeased with this chapter. I rewrote it once and then got stuck in the middle forever. I'm not quite sure why it makes me despise it, but I have several ideas. One, I don't think much is happening here. Two, it's too slow (and with slow, boring). Three, it's repetitive of all other chapters where Cloud broods. Four, I don't think I've captured the dynamic friendship between Basch, Zack, and Seifer. They just were not cooperating in this chapter! I tried to keep Zack and Seifer's bickering at a minimum, so maybe that's why conversations seem so broken to me.

Ugh, anyway, tell me what you think. I'm prepared to be screamed at (but while you're screaming, maybe suggest ways I can improve it?)

By the way, Zack and Cloud are still far from getting beneath the sheets together. But they are cute. I couldn't resist it.

Anyone want a soundtrack for this story? The song I like listening to when writing this story is called _In My Life_ by the Beatles. If you haven't heard it, _go to YouTube and listen to it!_ Not only is it a great, meaningful, and sad song, it also fits my story perfectly (maybe a little bit tweaked…)


	9. Chapter 9: How It Works

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the characters in any of the Final Fantasy games, nor do I profit from using them; all rights belong to Square Enix.

**Rei Sohma:** I'm sorry, I don't have a myspace…or do I? Hmm, I used to, but I don't think I've been on it for, like, 2 years, so they probably deleted it or something. We can swap email addresses if you want to instead, though. I think you can get my email from my profile…but maybe I'll just post it here…um… It's **sweetheart_a72(at)yahoo(dot)com**. Email me, and I'll get back to you…privately. Lol. Anyway, I'm glad you're enjoying my story so far, and I especially liked the way I ended the last chapter, too.

**Author's Note:** Not proofread :(

**What They Leave Behind**

**Chapter 9**

_How It Works_

It had felt right.

That was the first thing that had popped into Zack's head as he came back to consciousness in the morning—before he even knew how to define 'it'. He just knew that it had felt right.

Zack tried rolling over but was met with hard resistance. He groggily opened his eyes and tried deciphering the blurry images, but the pain in his head was too much. He groaned and closed his eyes again. His back was sore from the hard ground on which he slept and he wiggled around on the floor just to move his muscles a bit. The boulder that blocked him from lying on his stomach shifted and then sighed into his neck.

And then it dawned on him. Cloud was sleeping next him—well, practically _on_ him. The memory of the night before, however broken, came back to him.

He'd been in the kitchen downing some water to clear the alcohol out of his system when Cloud had stumbled into the kitchen. He remembered parts of their conversation. He'd tried to cheer up Cloud, who sounded withdrawn—more so than usual—and hoarse. Zack had first thought he'd been crying, but it was obvious in his snippiness and outward dread that he hadn't been crying.

The dream issue had been surprising, he knew that much. He hadn't expected Cloud to be so afraid of a simple dream, afraid enough to simply take sleeping pills to take get through the night. But it was ultimately Cloud's indirect assurance that Zack had been correct in his suspicions concerning Cloud's relationship to the Leonhart kid that made Zack follow him into the hallway. The fact that Cloud had been hurting all this time had been a scary thought, but more so when it was affirmed. He wasn't sure whether the hug was his own idea or the alcohol's, but it seemed like such a natural gesture. It was easy to wrap his arms around Cloud and it was easy to hold him to his body. He hadn't expected, though, that Cloud would return the embrace, nor relax against him. And it had felt _right_.

Cloud ended their embrace by mumbling that he was indeed tired, and Zack wasn't too sure he could make it up the stairs (however much Cloud insisted that sleeping pills generally didn't work that way). So Zack forced Cloud into sleeping next to him. Cloud protested, but as soon as he was securely on the floor, he was out for the night.

Zack opened his eyes again. The overhead light flooded his vision, but a few blinks cured the bleariness that had overtaken his eyes. It was Cloud, of course, no matter how surreal it had felt. Blond locks fell across a pale face, serene and still fast asleep.

"Hey, Cloud." Zack shook him.

"Shuddup!" groaned someone from the couch. That must have been Seifer. Though Zack had gotten to the couch first, he'd lost it to Seifer, who pretty much threw Zack on the ground and climbed onto the couch. That was when Zack had gone into the kitchen.

Zack took no heed. "Cloud, wake up!" He shook him again. Cloud murmured some incoherencies before rolling onto his other side, turning his back to Zack and taking the blanket with him. Well, that took care of that problem.

Zack stood up, a little uneven on his feet, and looked around. The great thing about Mrs. Strife was that she was always pleasantly busy, so busy she never asked why Zack and Seifer were passed out in her living room every Friday night or why the food in her refrigerator suddenly disappeared. That was just the way she was.

Zack must have woken up too early this morning because she was actually still there, sweeping around in the kitchen and humming softly to herself. He wished her a good morning, which she returned the greeting a little too pleasantly, and went upstairs to take a shower. Today started much too early, but that only meant he could do more things.

As he got out of the shower, he listed off what he had to do today. He wanted to call Aerith, make sure she got home all right and see if she wanted to do anything or if she was busy with her own friends. _I haven't spent much time alone with her_, he thought to himself, and this particular thought didn't settle in his stomach the way it would have a few months ago. It worried him, but he shook it out of his head and assured himself he'd dedicate this weekend to her.

After calling Aerith, he needed breakfast and then he'd have to go home. Anything after that would be entirely up to Aerith or his mother or his boss.

By the time Zack was dressed in some clean clothes and had come downstairs, Cloud was gone as well as Mrs. Strife. He rifled through the fridge, sorting through containers of leftovers when Basch entered, having completely forgotten about calling Aerith. "Heya, Basch. Fun-filled weekend planned with Terra?"

Basch scratched his head and shifted restlessly on his feet. "No, she has track practice. All day, condition and shit."

"Oh, yeah, Cloud's on the track team, too, huh?"

Basch shrugged. "Terra said he hasn't been coming to practice."

"Valentine's gonna throw him off the team, then?"

Basch shrugged. "I guess. There's no talking to him, though. He won't hear anything I have to say."

Zack pursed his lips together while he thought and then grabbed a container of yogurt. "Maybe I can talk to him?"

The snort came from Basch. "What makes you think he'd listen to you?"

Zack held up his palms in peace. "Hey, Cloud and me are tight, kay?"

"Right." Basch chuckled and dug in the pantry for cereal. "Well, you talk to him, then."

And with that Zack started planning his day.

After Zack finished his breakfast of some cereal and a Snicker's bar he'd found wedged in between the salt and pepper shakers, he waited in the kitchen for Cloud to come back from his morning run. It didn't make sense that Cloud ran all the time, _practicing_ almost, but never attended the actual official practice held by Coach Valentine. The kid was a box full of mysteries, that was for sure.

The front door creaked open and a very red and breathless Cloud entered. He wore a gray hoodie and white sweat pants, his old running shoes, and look that seemed almost serene. Zack stood up and greeted him, feeling a little awkward. His plan hadn't been thoroughly thought out just yet. "Hi, Cloud."

Cloud raked his fingers through wet hair and offered an awkward, "Hey, Zack," with a one-shouldered shrug.

"Is it raining out there?"

"Sprinkling."

Cloud crossed the kitchen and reached for a cup and water to quench his thirst.

"So what are you planning on doing all day?" Zack asked, thinking that was a good way to initiate a conversation veered toward convincing the blond to go to today's practice and at least _talk_ this over with Coach Valentine.

When Zack saw nothing on Cloud's face suggesting he was even contemplating replying, he tried to hold back a frown. This was Cloud, he had to be patient. "I have a free day today…" Oh, yeah, Aerith, "…I think, but maybe you and I could go do something?"

Cloud scowled at the thought—or at least a thought in his own head—and shook his head.

Zack pouted. "What are you doing that I can't do?"

"Nothing," Cloud said, turning away. "Too boring for someone with as short of an attention span for you, right?"

Zack let the insult roll off him. Though Cloud's biting tone suggested deep-rooted anger, it was also something Zack could connect with, something that Cloud used when making an effort to keep himself from falling into the pit of nothingness in which he ceaselessly found himself. This effort was a good thing, and Zack had learned to appreciate it.

"I'm sure there's something we could do that could keep my attention for a little longer than normal, right? You know, at school—"

"Go hang out with Seifer and Basch."

"I don't want to, I'd much rather annoy you." He grinned hopefully.

Cloud finished the last bit of his glass of water and then put it in the sink. " 'At school', there's an all-day practice for track, right?" He turned his face up and hmphed. "The reason why I don't go to these things isn't because I'm unaware that they're going on." He narrowed his eyes. "I make a conscious decision." Something flickered in his eyes and he quickly shielded his face from Zack's gaze with his hair and tried scampering off to his bat cave.

Zack brushed past him, pivoted, and then successfully blocked the doorway leading to the hallway. He wasn't quite sure why he suddenly felt a pang in his chest. Since when was Cloud's business any of his own? It confused him to no end when he'd first seen it. Maybe it was because he'd seen a similar pain in someone close to Cloud, someone close to the both of them. Maybe it was because he had always played the good guy in hopes of being that hero. Or who knew? He just hated to see that quick bolt of fear flash across Cloud's face, in his eyes. It hurt. Somehow.

"How about this, then? I won't mention track practice again, and we still hang out."

Cloud didn't like that suggestion any more than he liked the track practice. He folded his arms across his chest and waited, determined to outlast Zack. But Zack was determined, too. He squared his shoulders and hardened his expression. When that didn't bring success, he did his best puppy dog look.

"We don't have anything in common," Cloud said, unweaving his arms and waving his hand in the air. "What can we possibility do?"

"I want to know what Cloud Strife does to have fun. I'm curious. Isn't there something you can think of doing today that you might enjoy? Just seeing others happy makes me happy, so rest assured, I'll enjoy it, too." If Cloud smiled, maybe. Zack liked smiles because they made him smile, too.

Cloud screwed up his face in thought and tapped his foot. Letting out a whoosh of air after a few moments of thought, he met Zack's gaze. "Maybe there's something I've been meaning to try out. In the park."

The best part about Cloud was clearly the challenge he provoked with his icy and withdrawn demeanor, but the worst was the fact that he kept all his plans under lock and key inside his head. He wouldn't divulge any more information other than the fact that it had to do with the park. Instead, he forced Zack out of his way, pointing out that Zack already won and would find out soon enough, and went upstairs for a shower. Zack tried offering him food, but Cloud said he wasn't hungry.

So Zack had to wait until Cloud was done showering, and then afterwards, Cloud came downstairs wearing a yellow windbreaker and black pants. Zack couldn't keep himself from saying, "Hey, Mr. Bee, can I have some of your honey?" The satisfaction he got was worth the death glare and the wait while Cloud went back upstairs to change his pants into dark jeans. And the wait when Cloud suddenly felt the need to have breakfast, a big breakfast that included more preparation than pouring milk in a bowl of cereal.

While waiting, Zack went upstairs and rummaged through the linen closet for the clothes that he'd left behind on other occasions that Mrs. Strife was nice enough to wash for him and found a sweater warm enough to withstand the weather. And then he called Aerith.

When Cloud was done basking in his smugness, he and Zack left the house. It had been nice and warm inside, but the rainy day had left little warmth behind. It was icy outside, to be exact, and Zack had to stuff his hands in the pocket of his sweater to keep them from turning blue. Cloud's face was pale but his cheeks were a firm shade of rose by the time they arrived at the park, but other than that, he showed no other outward sign of being cold. Zack took their short walk to the park as a time to adjust to the weather and think a little bit more on how he'd coax Cloud to talk to the coach.

"So why are we at the park? Want to go swinging? I like swinging," Zack said as they turned off the walkway and onto the wet grass.

Cloud reached into his jacket and pulled out a camera.

Zack lifted an eyebrow. "You like to take pictures, too?"

Cloud shook his head and then opened his mouth to explain. Realizing that he didn't want to give away that information, he shut him mouth again.

Zack picked his brain for a reason as to why Cloud had the stupid thing. Obviously Cloud didn't want to say it—or think it—but didn't have a problem with Zack knowing. Why would Cloud have…oh. "That's Roxas's camera," he stated.

Cloud winced at the name but nodded. "I—It was sitting on—in my room when I went up there this morning." He pressed his lips together, gathering his thoughts. "I don't know anything about taking pictures, but I like the rain and…" He gave Roxas's camera a gentle shake as if to supply words he no longer had. "Well, why not? _He_ thought it was fun," he murmured.

The fact that Cloud looked doubtful made Zack try even more. He snatched the camera out of Cloud's hand with a brilliant grin. "I want to take the first picture," and before Cloud had a chance to protest, he snapped a photo of Cloud's face on the verge of transforming. Proud of himself, he went in for another picture—a show of the product, of course.

"I don't even know how many more pictures I can take! Don't waste all the film! I don't know how to change it."

"Bah!"

Cloud reached for it and grabbed it back. "I wanted to take pictures of the park while it's still raining. It seemed like a good location for it." And with that, he snapped a picture of Zack's face. Zack grinned.

Cloud returned the expression and then spun on his heels in pursuit of something else to capture on his camera. Zack lagged behind, wondering if Cloud knew how much his face was lit up.

Perhaps it was the prospect of Roxas liking photography that made him so happy. Even if Cloud couldn't say Roxas name or couldn't stand hearing it spoken by someone else, he still wanted—or needed, anyway—some sort of connection with him. The fact that Cloud didn't face Roxas was evidence to his pain, but Roxas and Cloud had been close, hadn't they? Roxas had talked about Cloud a lot, had stated time and time again that they grounded each other, balanced each other.

Who did Cloud have that he could talk to now?

Zack shook it out of his head. He wanted Cloud to be better, whether it was because he had seen first hand what being down for a long time could do to a person, what it could drive him to, or not, he felt as if he had to play a hand in Cloud's life. Maybe because he owed Roxas, and taking care of Cloud was one of the ways to repay him. After all, Cloud had been important to Roxas.

_Snap._

"Evidence."

"Evidence…huh?" Zack blinked, searching Cloud's face.

Cloud beamed. "Evidence that the puppy has thoughts. Or at least can stay silent long enough to _appear_ to have thoughts," he added to himself as a side note. He gazed down at the camera in his hands, his smile still intact.

"Such a low opinion of my intelligence. It's a wonder I still like you."

Cloud saw something that interest him and held the camera up to get a shot. "Yes, it's one of my most profound questions. I ask myself everyday." Satisfied with the image—even if Zack wasn't quite sure what was so great about a swing dabbled with fat raindrops—he looked up at Zack, his expression a serene. "What do I have to do to get rid of you?"

"Hm, well, I'm not sure. Maybe you'd have to kick me."

Cloud raised a blond eyebrow. "Really? That's all?"

The glint in his eyes made Zack flinch. "Yeah, but don't try it! I just might have to tackle you and bring you down," Zack assured him, crouching into a fighting stance.

Cloud glanced over his shoulder at the grass behind him. "But I'll get wet."

"Tragic. I get a bruise and you get wet, even though it's sprinkling and we're already going to get wet. I don't think we'd even be close to even."

"Yeah, I think I'd have to punch you, too. Then we'd be even," he conceded with a firm nod.

Zack laughed. "Right, then we'd be even. I'm sure that's how it works."

"It is."

Zack held out his hand. "Okay, my turn. I want to take pictures."

Cloud stepped back in mock shock. "But you have no artistic expertise."

Zack returned by putting his hands on his hips. "Oh, and you do?" He waved his hand at the swing. "What artistic value does that have? If you give me a good explanation, you can keep the camera."

Cloud opened his mouth and then closed it. "And you have to buy me a meal from the Street Corner Café."

"Deal, but not tonight. I'm going to take Aerith out."

"Fine."

Cloud gestured for Zack's attention to fall on the swing. "That is a piece of art. The fact that it's an inanimate object with no real photographic significance makes it not ideal for a picture without someone sitting in it, but there in lies the significance. The seat is empty. Someone who should be sitting there isn't sitting there. It's conspicuously empty.

"The chains form a frame around the emptiness, which gives it a forced feel to it. Like…I don't know. Chains are hard to get out of…? No, maybe it's there're hard to get into…? I don't know how to explain it. Anyway, the metal gives it a cold, heartless look, barren, devastated, empty, void of warmth. Also, I think this is black and white film." Of course, Roxas liked black and white film. All the pictures he developed in photography were in black and white. Zack remembered that. "So that lack of color and the black and grays add to the feeling."

Zack had stood silently while he listened to Cloud's explanation. Maybe being artistic ran in Roxas's family—but Basch sure as hell wasn't an artist. He had no imagination whatsoever. Cloud's words blew him away and had won him the deal, but he wasn't going to give it him just yet. "So what does the rain mean?"

"The rain…?" Cloud paused, looking upwards and tapping his chin in thought. "Well, the rain would be tears, of course. It sets the mood for something haunting, sad, and yet mysterious all the same." He nodded in agreement with himself as it that finalized it.

"But whose tears?"

Cloud sighed. "There are two swings, so they must be the tears of the person who's supposed to be sitting in the other seat because he or she is missing the person who's absent."

"You didn't take a picture of someone in the other swing, though, so how can viewers see that?"

"Fine then!" He pushed Zack towards the swing. "Go over there and look like you're sad."

"How can I look sad when I feel so incredibly smug?"

Cloud rolled his eyes. "I still won the deal. That was a pretty good artistic view of a swing, right?"

Zack acquiesced. "I have to give it to you, it sounded pretty sound to me. I'll take you to the Street Corner Café sometime. After school or something."

Smiling, Cloud then said, "Good, I expected you not to have a high enough I.Q. to detect complete bullshit when presented to you." Before Zack had a chance to reply with an equally snide remark, he said, "C'mon, sit down on the swing so I can take the picture."

"But I'll get wet!" exclaimed Zack as he pointed to the raindrops.

Cloud shrugged. "It's sprinkling as it is. By the time it's time to go, we'll all be soaked anyway."

Muttering and sputtering under his breath as he trudged through the mud to the swings, Zack shot Cloud faux glowers of death. With a flourish, he swung into the seat and turned his face up to look at Cloud.

"Now look sad."

"But I don't _feel_ sad," whined Zack.

Cloud held up his hands in exasperation. "But I can't have you looking as if you just ate my missing person!"

So after several pictures, lots of yelling, and a few thrown rocks, Zack was satisfied and Cloud looked even more so. Avoiding any physical conflict, he scurried across the park because he saw some other "artistic" picture in need of being taken, leaving Zack to ponder how he'd get Cloud to go back to school with him. He'd promised not to mention it, but he didn't promise not to think about it. Perhaps if he got Cloud within Valentine's eyesight, then Valentine would reel him in.

But how was he going to land Cloud anywhere near Valentine?

It was a while before Cloud returned to Zack. Zack, himself, hadn't cared much for that lack anything to do. Cloud seemed happy, and just seeing someone entirely unhappy finally happy was a good enough excuse to stay for while, but he must have gotten bored because his head was bent down a little and his face was blank—not exactly a sad look, just not quite as happy as he'd been before. The expression had almost matched Roxas's, when Roxas had been content with a day's work of picture-taking, his excitement had worn down, but his overall satisfaction seemed leveled out.

And it was sad, he decided, that he couldn't talk to Cloud about Roxas. Clearly they had known him, different sides of him anyway, and they missed him, both probably to a fault, but they couldn't ever talk about him or seek comfort in each other. Zack hadn't been able to talk to anyone about Roxas, about how he'd felt about the so-called 'accident'. He hadn't really thought about Cloud being the type he could confide in, but he realized that Cloud was exactly the person to confide in—if he could get the blond to trust him. That was how it worked. Trust first, then honesty.

When the rain finally came down hard, Cloud tucked his camera away in his pocket and started walking out of the park without any indication for Zack to follow him. Zack jolted to life and ran after him. "Are we going back?"

Cloud shrugged. "I don't care where you go. I'm taking a walk."

"Can I come with?"

"Whatever."

"Coolio."

Zack tucked his hands in his sweater pocket. He preferred the sunshine and warmth himself. The rain did nothing but make him wet and cold, and he wouldn't have minded curling up by the fire with Aerith and watching a movie…and maybe initiate some lip action if nothing else. He had, of course, forced himself on this pilgrimage (if he could manage to get to his destination after all), so he had only himself to blame for that.

Zack swung up his hood just as the rain came pelting down almost to the point where it felt like needles were dropping from the heavily blanketed sky, and he noticed that Cloud didn't bother shielding himself with his hood. Fine then.

Cloud seemed to have a destination in mind, but, of course, he couldn't give that very private information out to Zack. No, of course not. So Zack followed him around and tried to keep up a conversation. It was, more or less, the most difficult task Zack had ever had, despite the fact that he'd always been a good talker. And he found that his cordial manner welcomed the more withdrawn, shier people to open up a bit. Cloud, clearly, was a different story.

Zack tried to think back to before the incident when he'd seen Cloud on the verge of tears, before he realized that there was a lot more to Cloud—especially a lot more than Basch himself didn't even know. He tried to think about his past conceptions of the blond, but he hadn't particularly thought about it. He had always imagined Cloud a bit of a talker, but maybe he had hung out with the Leonhart too much. The more he thought about it, the more he wondered how he could convince Cloud to talk to him. What did Leonhart have that encouraged Cloud to talk that he himself didn't have?

Perhaps it was because Leonhart never talked that pressured Cloud to fill the silence, but whenever Zack didn't talk, Cloud didn't seem to respond in the same way. Or did he? Zack hadn't paid any attention before then.

Agh!, What does Cloud like to talk about?!

So he'd tried almost everything he could think of—girls, _boys_, friends, sports, hobbies, everything. He'd even resorted to asking him directly what made him happy—though that didn't end up the way he'd wanted to. Nobody could possibly have been that morbid, so it must have been a reflection of Cloud's glum mood. So what did Cloud like?

When nothing came to mind, Zack just talked about himself, since he did, in fact, know what _he_ liked and didn't like, and Cloud hadn't once protested at his words.

When finished up his anxieties concerning college, they were a block away from school, and that's when he decided to take the lead. "So are you going to college, Cloud?" he asked, reeling the blond into his conversation and edging toward the corner where he could hopefully turn without actually appearing to make the conscious decision. Since he'd included Cloud in the conversation, he hoped that Cloud would feel obligated for once to reply and therefore stay walking on the same path.

Cloud didn't seem to mind turning down that particular street and replied, "I don't think I can. I mean, I don't really get good grades." He frowned. "Highwind is giving me an A—and I don't know why—but that's about the only A I'm gonna get this semester."

"What about English? You're pretty good at writing, right?"

Cloud looked doubtful. "No, not really. I think the highest I ever got on an essay was a B, and that's because Squall rewrote it for me. I got marked off for my arguments only, since Squall didn't particularly want to do my research for me."

Zack pouted. "I want a friend who rewrites my papers."

Cloud smirked.

_Almost there,_ Zack thought. _Must keep conversation going. Cloud must stay oblivious_. "Well, if you're not good in English, doesn't that mean you're pretty good at math? I'm a math person myself…I _think_."

"You think? You're probably not then," Cloud replied with a snort. "But I'm not either."

"Ah, well, what do you plan on doing after high school then?"

Cloud pointed to the next street. "I don't know what I'm doing after high school, but right now I'm going home."

No, no, no! "Wait, why don't you walk with me a little bit. I'm…uh…meeting Aerith up there, at the park across school."

Cloud shrugged. "It's not that far of a walk. I'm sure the puppy can make it without getting raped." He started walking down the side street, Zack gaping at him, trying quickly come up with another reason to get Cloud back. But Cloud turned around and looked at Zack, gnawing on his lip. "Erm, well, thanks for spending a few hours with me. I don't know if you had fun, but I did." He patted his camera. "I think I know why Roxas liked it so much." Though he winced when he said it, he still _said_ it.

Zack beamed, despite the fact that his mission failed.

/ - / - / - / - / - /

**Author's Note:** whoa! Thought I disappeared? Yeah, I thought so, too, but two days ago, I found myself in an English class discussing the possibilities of a future essay, and so I decided to complete this chapter (don't ask how I came to that conclusion with those means, lol). I hope you enjoyed it.

Also, are track teams co-ed or not? I have no idea…Yeah, well, in my story, they have a co-ed team. :P

On a more critical note, there is a lot of stuff going on, the most obvious of which is the budding relationship between Cloud and Zack. There's more about Roxas, which is good, and we get to see an outsider's perspective. This isn't exactly what I had in mind when giving Zack's perspective, but it just kind of came out this way. So tell me what you think!


	10. Chapter 10: No Reprieve

**Disclaimer:** I do not own any of these characters; Square Enix does.

**Author's Note:** again, not proof-read and lots of brooding. :( Sorry, I couldn't let Cloud get too happy just yet. There is a battle to be won, and it's never won within a day.

**What They Leave Behind**

**Chapter 10**

_No Reprieve_

Cloud had woken up in the morning with one thought in his head; _track_. So he'd dragged himself off the floor, never-minding why he was asleep on the living the room floor. Upon arriving in his bedroom for his sweats and hoodie—that was when he'd seen the camera. He wasn't sure how it'd gotten there or who had put it there, but there it had been, sitting right on Roxas's bed.

With a scowl, Cloud had tried to ignore it. He'd slipped into the bathroom to relieve himself, but when he had come back out, it had still been there. Curious by then, Cloud had shuffled closer and examined it. It was a camera, what harm could it possibly do? And that had been the moment when Cloud decided to take it to the park sometime that weekend. He'd never expected Zack to want to accompany him.

And he had never expected to enjoy it.

The morning had been _fun_—something he hadn't had in quite some time, he reflected as he returned home, Roxas's camera secured in his windbreaker's pockets. It was near afternoon if not already by the time he reached his house. The rain had lessened, but he'd had his own share of rain and was more or less soaked to the core.

Seifer and Basch were nowhere to be seen, and his mom was out as always. It was almost as if no one wanted to hear the screaming silence of Roxas's absence. Even Seifer, not even real family, hated staying here during the day. It was only at night when everyone was forced to return, forced to listen to Silence's dirge echoing into the night.

Cloud, having to sleep in the very room it from which it came, was nearly immune to its effect. And now Roxas's camera became his aegis, a shield that protected him from its very own silence. And he didn't feel the difference as he crossed into the house, and somehow that was nice.

He climbed the stairs, absently fingering the sleek shell of his camera and wondering how he would develop them. _He_ had always developed his film at school, in the dark room there. But Cloud had no idea where it was, even—nor which chemicals to use or even if the teacher would allow him to use the room for his own purposes.

When he opened his bedroom door, he stood in the frame as an awkward feeling seeped into his skin. It had been so long since he'd entered his bedroom feeling completely and utterly sated—actually, aside from a few maladroit social hangouts with Basch and his friends and school, he hadn't really left the house at all. He'd only left his room, then, for food and occasionally T.V. But here he was, standing in the doorway, staring at his room, feeling satisfied and content, wondering what he should do now.

His cobalt blue eyes settled on the pile of dirty clothes taking over his desk and then on the textbooks spilled across his unused bed. With a scowl, it became quite clear what the next hour or so would be spent doing.

When his room was clean, he found he couldn't stop. It was like Zack had created a chain reaction, he felt as if he needed to constantly be doing something, immersed in some sort of active activity, moving around, producing something, no thinking involved.

He decided his room needed a makeover, the desk needed to be moved over against that wall, his bed needed to be on this wall, Roxas's needed to be moved over there. The dresser suddenly didn't seem necessary. Most of his clothes could have been hung up, those that couldn't could be stored away in the cubby-hole of his closet organizer. This no longer needed to sit on his bookshelf and suddenly found its way to the trash can. Nothing could be the same. Everything had to be moved. This had to go there, and that had to go here.

Mrs. Strife had come home early to make dinner before she went off to the festival with Mrs. Loire and stuck her head in Cloud's room when she heard bumping around in his room. He was midway pushing the desk across the cleared room when she did so, and all she could manage was blink. When her son noticed her, he stopped, huffing, and stared right back. She nodded as a silent understanding passed between them and left without a word. Cloud continued his hefty work.

Basch and Terra had come home for dinner, and he, too, heard strange noises from Cloud's room. He peeked in as Cloud was knocking books out of his bookshelf and pushing them to the floor without a care if he bent them or not. Cloud didn't bother looking over his shoulder at his gaping brother. Basch eventually withdrew without asking to assist, exactly what Cloud wanted.

His mother brought up the stew she'd made and set it on his desk just as he finished moving Roxas's bed. She smiled at him and left, still without saying anything. Cloud preferred the silence anyway.

By the time he was completely done rearranging his room and organizing everything in some logical way that they had not been previously, he nodded to himself and sat down on his bed, contentedly. Now what?

Cloud's eyes zeroed in on the posters on his wall. Those had to come down, too. Especially the Yuna poster that no longer was half hidden behind his dresser. He stood up and padded across the carpeted floor, wondering what he'd do in replacement of his posters. He didn't have other posters, but could he stand his walls being bare? Or even with white holes in the wall where his tacks had chipped away the green paint?

His bedroom door opened. "Hey, the phone's for you."

Cloud turned and stared at Basch. "Wh-who is it?"

Basch pressed his lips in a straight line for a moment before he answered Cloud's question. "It's Squall," he finally said. He turned and jogged downstairs, leaving the door wide open.

Cloud hesitantly edged toward the door. _Squall is on the phone_, he told himself, wondering why his breath was caught in his throat. Another step and then another one, this time a little faster.

But before he could make it to the door, Basch had brought up the kitchen's cordless phone and waved it in front of Cloud's frozen face. "He's on hold."

Cloud warily pried it out of Basch's hand and searched the device in his hand for the "HOLD" button, which blinked an impatient red. Pressing it, he lifted it and said, "Hello?" He hated how soft his voice sounded, how breathless and weak. Squall had called.

"Hey, Cloud." It was Squall. The voice had the same timbre as it had had before he'd moved away, the same smooth words which glossed over every precisely pronounced syllable. The same perfect voice that was as smooth as his own hands. How could Cloud have walked away from that, feeling hurt and unfulfilled? _Those_ were the hands he wanted to touch him, right?

When Cloud said nothing, Squall prompted him. "Cloud?"

Cloud blinked, "Yeah, hey, Squall. What's up?"

"Nothing really. I thought I should call you…since…it's been a while."

Squall had always hated talking on the phone. He had always said he felt awkward and offbeat, since he was never much of a talker as it was. The presence was more important than the words to Squall, Cloud had figured, but he was glad Squall called anyway. It was thoughtful of Squall. "How's Balamb? The beach?" Cloud had never been to the beach before. It was a far drive, and he'd never gone with Basch and the gang when they'd gone…for obvious reasons. He had always meant to go with Squall someday. Maybe a visit…?

He could almost hear Squall's shrug in his tone. "It's a slow city, a demure population. When summer comes around, it'll be hell, but now it's okay. The beach is…uh…okay, too."

"Okay?" Cloud forced some emotions other than disappointment into his voice. "How can it be only 'okay'? Do you go for walks on it?" The thought of running on the beach every morning, dressed in his gray sweats and running shoes, the cool wind in his face, the soft white sand underneath his feet—he might not even need shoes…well, aside from the support, he supposed…maybe a short run—brought him into pacing back and forth.

Squall knew. He always knew. He mirthlessly chuckled at Cloud's sudden excitement. "I run every once in a while on the beach, but for the most part, I just run through the streets. Nobody gets up early around here."

"How is your…new home?"

There was silence. "This isn't my home."

"Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. Are the people better than Matron and Cid?"

"Not really. Why haven't you been talking to Lulu?"

"Have you called her?" Cloud asked, a sudden dread growing in his stomach. He stopped pacing and sat down on his bed with a thud.

"Yes, she says you've been avoiding her."

_You've been keeping in touch with her and not me?_ he wanted to ask, but he couldn't find the words. He offered an emotionless response instead. "I haven't been in the mood to talk to anyone lately."

"What's wrong, then?"

And then a moment passed without any words being spoken. The only sound between them were the low hum of the phone connection and their audible breaths. Squall retreated. It was beyond his nature to ask a question twice. His philosophy was always resonant between us, no more necessary. If Cloud wasn't going to tell him willingly, he wasn't going to be forced into.

Had he liked that about Squall?

He waited longer. He wanted some clue, some indication, that Squall truly cared. If he cared, wouldn't he have pushed? Isn't that what love was all about, doing things that one normally didn't do?

Squall kept his silence.

Cloud resigned. "Why did you call?"

"Did you not want me to call?"

Cloud hated the tone void of all emotion. How could he have heard that every day and still went back for more? It grated on his nerves more than anything. And it pricked his anger. Why hadn't Squall called earlier? Why was he calling him now? "I want you to call when you want to call." It was a feeble response, really. He found that his responses swung that way whenever Squall was around, the same way that his words became breathless and ragged and quickly thrown off his tongue. He hated feeling powerless. Was this love or was this something else? Something more? Something less?

"…"

"That's not really what I meant," Cloud backtracked hesitantly. "I just don't want you to feel like you have to call me. I'm doing fine." _Were you even curious as to how I was coping with this?_

Squall took his time responding. At least he always thought about what he was saying, that he never said things just to say things, except when he said it's be fine. It had felt like he'd slapped Cloud across the face. He wanted nothing more than for Squall to speak frankly, he liked that about him. "I didn't call because I felt like I had to." Doggedly, exasperation. It resounded in his voice.

And Cloud felt elated by his admission, but his mood darkened with another thought. "Why didn't call earlier?"

Squall sighed. "Does it matter?"

_To me it does_. "No, I was just wondering." He dropped the subject, only to find more silence on both their ends.

Surprisingly, Squall broke it. "You're not talking. Do you want me to call back?"

"I'm glad you called, Squall," Cloud blurted out without acknowledging Squall query. "I missed you. A lot."

"…"

Cloud hated to broach the subject, but he wanted to know whether Squall felt the same way. He opened his mouth to ask that forbidden question, that question that corresponded to that which should have remained in his memory, that question that Squall had been, no doubt, avoiding. He had to have known it was coming, though. It was inevitable, and Squall was holding his breath. Yet he closed his mouth as soon as he opened it. Squall breathed again. Cloud could hear it.

Squall cleared his throat. "I should go."

"Someone waiting?" Cloud hated himself for asking it and feeling the teeth of jealousy that sunk into his veins.

"I'll call you again soon." Click.

At least Cloud didn't have to say goodbye again. Once was hard enough. He ended his side of the line and reluctantly allowed the phone to fall onto the bed. Why was it so hard? _What_ was so hard about it? It was just a phone call, just a friend. He should have forgotten about Squall by now. How long had it been? A month? Two? And it had stretched on in his head to a year, maybe even a decade. That counted as enough time to heal the wounds? Right?

Even if those wounds had healed, which was still up for debate, that simple phone call had just reopened them. That was the problem. So then should he have been angry at Squall? For calling him after he'd brooded for weeks about Squall _not_ calling him?

Cloud looked around his room with a deep sigh. Somehow his room no longer looked like his room. The books didn't belong in that order, and his dresser didn't belong against that wall. He stood up and put his hands on his hips, no longer seeing his rearrangement as an improvement. _I'll be up all night arighting this, _he thought to himself. _But it's worth it._ He wanted the comfort his room had once offered him; and now he felt as if this was a stranger's room, no longer his. He wanted to curl up in his bed, under his sheets, beside his window, against his wall. Not this. He had taken too big of a step on a whim because he'd been elated—by what? By Zack's smiling face? The pictures?

No point in thinking about it, he thought to himself. Just work on making it back.

/ - / - / - / - / - /

**Author's Note:** Well, it was a long wait for a short chapter. And it _was_ a short chapter, very short, but it actually was fat with plot. If last chapter was an improvement, this was backtracking :P Cloud had been ready to move out of his rut and go beyond, he was accepting, to a degree, Zack's voiceless offer, but then Squall came and reeled him back in. Complications, complications.

There was a point to Squall's call, as well, even if Squall didn't mention it just yet and it was short and awkward and seemed pointless.

The most important thing to walk away with is that Cloud had been on the verge of changing and decided, ultimately, to screw change. The other important thing is that Cloud is extremely confused. He wanted Squall because he'd always wanted Squall, because Squall had been a constant in his life and was available, and Squall's quiet, emotionless personality never bothered him before. After spending so much time with an emotionally charged Zack, it felt odd and frustrating that Squall wasn't showing any sentiment one way or the other. And even if Cloud doesn't realize that he is comparing Squall to Zack, he is. He was looking for Zack in Squall. Cute, in a way. ;)

Tell me what you think!


	11. Chapter 11: Lulu

**Disclaimer:** all rights belong to Square Enix; I'm merely borrowing them.

**Author's Note:** not proofread, again for the millionth time.

**What They Leave Behind**

**Chapter 11**

_Lulu_

The morning arrived too quickly for Cloud's pleasure. He'd been so tired the night before that he hadn't even bothered to close the curtains before throwing himself over his mattress and passing out. The sun streaked through the curtains, in blinding rays, and fell across Cloud's closed eyes. He tried ignoring it, rolling over and lifting his blankets above his head, but by then his mind was already awake.

He lay in bed for a while, staring up at the popcorn ceiling and gazing off into the depths of his mind without calling up too much attention on any specific thought. It was much too early for him to get up, he decided. Much, much, much too early. Yet here he was, awake and with no hope of returning to the land of dreams.

He rolled himself out of his blankets and stumbled for the bathroom. After washing his face and relieving himself, he went through his clothes to find his sweats. Another morning, another run. He sleepily descended the stairs, yawning all the way, and peered into the sun-filled living room. Zack and Seifer hadn't spent the night over there, apparently, probably spending their free night with their girlfriends. Somehow the house wasn't as full and comforting in their absence, Cloud noted as he dragged his feet farther down the hall, past the kitchen, and out the front door.

Warm as the sun felt, the air was crisp and cool even as the fog dissipated completely. A puff of cooler air swept down the street, strong enough to make Cloud shiver underneath his sweater but too meek to upturn trash spilling out of the street's trash cans. He made a mental note to himself that he'd have to drag their own trashcans to curb today when he came back from his jog because Basch wouldn't be up in time to do it. Today felt all too ordinary.

Cloud stretched for his run on the lawn for a few minutes, gradually awakening his muscles and pulling and exercising them. Once he ensured each muscle was loose and warmed up enough, he started out with a slow jog, working his way up to a more acceptable pace as he turned the corner in the direction of the track. He had a very specific route that he took daily, but today he felt differently. He'd been thinking about track lately, had seen the way his former teammates looked at him across the school's quad, had heard Terra's pleas, and now he'd been having dreams.

He avoided the track yesterday, knowing that Valentine had their conditioning in rain or shine, but it was unlikely Valentine wanted practice to fall on a Sunday. So it was safe. He wanted to ease back into his old life, the life in which he'd felt comfortable, and so he wanted to test out the track, feel each footfall as it came thudding down onto the reddish orange turf again. He wanted to make sure he was capable of doing it. Perhaps Valentine wouldn't want him on the team, especially because the season was approaching and he'd been missing quite a bit, but that was hardly a bother. Besides, did Cloud really want to waste his time like that?

Well, of course he did. He loved track, if nothing else. He even missed the sparse crowds that showed up to meets, the wind on his face, the rush of adrenaline, doubled because he knew the fate of his team's standings rested, even in part, on his shoulders. It was about control. If he lost the race, it was because he wasn't trying hard enough. And that was control. It was about pushing himself to his limits and utilizing every part of his body in the most efficient manner possible. It was about discipline and fortitude. Even when he felt like quitting the road before him in his own life, even when he had that infection—that quitter's bug—he could still run until the end. And it was a rush in itself to be able to have that sort of control over something, something that _belonged_ to him.

Cloud realized a few steps too late why he never went this way to school. His steps faltered when that house came into view. _His_ house. He'd have to pass by it if he wanted to get to the track soon. If he didn't mind wasting another ten minutes, he'd backtrack and take the busy street to school instead of the side streets. What the hell had he been thinking?

He was about to turn around and take the extra minutes to go around, but rich laughter filled his ears, drifting from _that_ house, that tempted him to go past anyway. Even when Seifer's loud bellowed "Bitch-ass, what the fuck do you think you're doing?!" didn't put him off. He continued his running until he came up to Cid and Matron's driveway and then he stopped.

The garage door was open and Zack's motorcycle was parked just in front of it, next to Seifer's new truck.

"It was an accident," Zack huffed in between laughter.

"My ass," Seifer growled. He mumbled a few other things Cloud couldn't quite catch and the ring of tools crashing against each other drew, in some odd way, Cloud up the driveway. Stuffing his hands in his sweater pockets, he slipped into the garage and rounded the hood. Finding no words to say, he just stood there and waited for Zack to notice him.

It didn't take him very long. Zack turned to the open hood and jumped back. "Whoa, Cloud, didn't see ya there, buddy." He chuckled at his own nerves and scratched his head. "What are you up to?"

Cloud pointed to the hood. "What are you doing to Seifer's truck? It's new, isn't it?"

Zack shrugged. "I dunno. Well, I mean, the radiator's shot to shit, really. I don't know what Seifer did to it, but I just dumped anti-freeze all over the place," he said, motioning to the large pool of the green liquid at his feet. "It was his own fault."

At that, Seifer came in from the house with some more rags. "Clean that shit up, bitch-ass." He threw a raggedy towel at Zack's face, and then he saw Cloud. "You, too, butt-wipe," he added, tossing another towel at Cloud.

Cloud swallowed a smart-ass remark. He would have bristled and told Seifer to go fuck himself, like usual, but Zack was already patting up the liquid. Cloud decided to help him, only because Seifer was such an ass.

"So, how do you like detention?" Seifer asked conversationally.

Cloud rolled his eyes, wiping up the last bit, and remaining on the floor. "Zack talks too much."

Seifer grumbled a few things about how detention was supposed to be punishment and, therefore, silent, but didn't pursue the matter, not even to gloat as he normally did. "Hand me that," Seifer growled, waving to a pile of tools on his bench.

"Which one?"

"The wrench."

Cloud stared, not wanting to ask which was a wrench was but too unsure of which one to give. He looked over to Zack, who was by the slop sink scrubbing off his shirt. With no help, he picked the tool that looked the most like its name and handed it to Seifer.

"The _wrench_, butt-wipe."

Cloud seized another one. Zack wandered back to the truck to peer over Seifer's shoulder, but Seifer thrust the can into his stomach and turned toward Cloud. "Don't you know what a wrench is? The tool that looks kinda like a fucked up Y."

Cloud turned his gaze back to the pile of tools, doubtfully. None of them looked like a Y to him. Seifer brushed passed him and grabbed the supposed Y-tool, waving it in front of Cloud's eyes. "No intelligence behind that face of yours, Strife?"

Zack edged towards Cloud and then nudged him at the hip. "He's always grouchy when fixing his car. You'd think he'd know a bit more about how to keep his car in prime—"

"Shut your face, Fair."

Zack just laughed. "So what are you up to?" he repeated, having gotten no answer the first time.

"Running," Cloud said, gesturing to his sweats.

Zack opened his mouth to say something but then closed it, with wide eyes. Cloud sighed. He _hoped_ Basch's right hand man wasn't just about to mention track when he'd promised he wouldn't only a day before. Finally, without anything else to say, Zack said, "What do you plan on doing after?"

_Showering_, Cloud thought immediately. As for after that… "Nothing."

Zack nodded to himself. "Let me to take you for a ride on my bike."

Cloud cranked his head around to peered beyond Seifer's truck to Zack's motorcycle, drinking in its sleek black sides and the smooth leather seats with a profound sense of awe, which then erased by a wave of fear. "No, I'll pass."

"Come on, Fenrir needs a bit of driving. I finally got my parents to let me start riding him again." Zack grinned. "You'll like it."

_No, I won't,_ he thought, blistering with nerves. "Um, I can't."

"Aww, is Puberty Boy's wittle fwiend scared of the big bad wolf?" taunted Seifer.

"Shut up, Seifer." Zack rolled his shoulders. "It'll be just down the street. We'll go slow."

Cloud took a step back. "I think I'm going to finish my run now." And another step.

Zack offered his puppy dog look as a last resort. "Please? You can drive, have all the control…"

With another step, he hit a wall. A soft wall. A—Seifer? Cloud jumped back away from the suddenly very tall senior, who stood in front of the exit with his massive frame and his arms folded across his chest.

"What?" Cloud doubted Seifer was in on Zack's plan. The blond couldn't have cared less, probably.

"I can't let you leave when you're right here. Lu's been bitching for the past few months, and I'm sick of hearin' it. Get your ass inside and talk to her." Cloud doubted Lulu had said one word about it, but he'd felt her oppressive presence as soon as he'd walked up the driveway and there was no denying it's been too long since he'd last spoken with her.

Since he'd been thinking very much the same as Seifer, despite that fact that his fears had just been about to get the best of him, he turned and headed for the door to the house. Zack, as he passed him, gently squeezed his shoulder with a "Later, maybe," and a light smile before turning back to whatever it was that Seifer required of him.

Cloud crept through the laundry room, feeling suddenly as if he was intruding on Matron's property and not as if he was simply treading on Squall's. He opened the door to the hallway and peered in. It was dark. Matron and Cid were most likely away, since their car was gone, and so the hall was dark. The curtains were still fastened over the windows, letting the orphans sleep a little longer. He toed down the hallway in Lu's direction. She shared a room with Quistis the last time Cloud checked, but Quistis was old enough to be on her own and she had been planning on moving out. Her room was just beyond Squall's.

Holding his breath, as if any noise created could summon the ghost of his past out of Squall's room, and lightly padded by it. Lu's door was slightly open but he knocked on it anyway, very, very lightly. "Lu?"

There was reluctance in the moments that passed, but eventually Lulu came to the door despite its futility. She stared at him. He'd always seen Lulu just as put together as Squall—showered, hair combed neatly and precisely, her clothes ironed and straightened—but this was too early in the morning. She was in her pajamas, a baggy shirt and boxer shorts, and her rich brown hair was unwashed and uncombed. For a few minutes, Cloud returned the stare.

She opened the door wider. "I didn't expect you," she said.

Cloud didn't have the breath in him to pull out his habitual smart-ass remark. Instead, he wordlessly stepped into her room. Quistis's stuff was still there, her bed tidied up against the far wall, the bed sheets flattened and pillows arranged precisely and neatly, but she was not there. Lulu's bed, of course, suggested that he'd woken her up. "Did I wake you up?" he asked, feeling a bit sick. He wanted to blame it on Seifer.

She shrugged with a yawn. "Yes, but I don't mind. It's been too long. What have you been up to?" she asked, folding a slender leg underneath her as she seated herself on her desk chair.

Cloud, out of habit, sat on her bed. "Nothing really."

She persisted. "Something must have brought you here."

"Seifer did," Cloud grumbled.

She nodded, her face as composed as Squall's even though the hour was early and sleepiness still nestled in her porcelain features. She reached behind her and grabbed her glass of water, holding it but not drinking. "Then I suppose I have to be grateful to him for once," she said, a faint smile playing on her lips. Then she took a gulp before questioning into her cup, "Have you heard much from Squall lately?"

Cloud felt the first tug of jealousy. "Not as much as you have."

She took his tone with her calm indifference and did not seem to be affronted by the obvious accusation. "He only called me a few times," she continued, "and only to complain about Balamb." She hesitated. "And you."

Cloud looked up into her reddish brown eyes, hardened by her resolve to keep pace to her thoughts. Lulu, too, was a good companion, hardly saying anything he never wished to hear. With a sharp tongue and stern eyes, Lulu should have been as oblivious and coldhearted as Squall seemed, but she wasn't. She saw things that Cloud himself didn't see, and she calmly accepted everything Fate threw to her. She smiled only slightly more than Squall and slightly less than Cloud, and she was one of the most loving people Cloud had met. And suddenly, he was filled with shame that he had ignored her for so long, thinking of how she hadn't pushed her unwanted company upon him, how she had recognized his wish to be alone and acquiesced. She had lost a friend, too.

_True,_ a part of Cloud admitted, _but she didn't lose a lover._

Taking his lack of reply for what it was—a battle—she turned to the small circular mirror on her desk and attempted to rake her fingers through her hair and straighten it.

Cloud took the opportunity to reply. "What did he say about me?"

She didn't look at him, nor did she reply right away. She continued untangling her hair with her slim, pale fingers and seemed to keep her full attention on her task. "He was supposed to tell you. When he called you."

Dread filled him, making him cold. He studied his hands as their gripped his knees and concentrated on keeping his voice smooth. "He didn't. Can't you just tell me?"

She shook her head, and strands recently loosened from a tangle fell across her face as she finally met his eyes. "That would be breaking his trust. He'll tell you." And then she offered a smile and held out a hand. "It's nothing bad," she assured him, her long fingers wrapping around his wrist, her warm palm pressing up against his cold skin. A wave of emotion swept over him. How long had it been since somebody touched him? Really touched him? He'd brushed shoulders with Basch when walking down the hallway or had gotten his hair mussed up by Seifer when accidently bumping into him at school, but he had remained untouched for so long, and even the times Zack had reached out to give Cloud some of his own warmth had been far too few.

Lulu squeezed his wrist, snatching him out of his thoughts. "At least I don't think it will be bad for you…in the long run," she added. When her warmth withdrew, she continued on with a lighter subject. "I heard that you and Clyde were getting along."

"Clyde?" Cloud echoed faintly, not quite grasping her words. What could Squall possibly have to say? Did he really find someone else? Or was it just hard to tell Cloud how much he missed him? Or something else? Cloud didn't feel reassured by Lulu's words. She could find positive outcomes in extremely negative events.

"Clyde Arrowny." She sighed. "Shadow."

"Oh," he nodded. "Well, we don't really talk."

She cracked another smile for that. "I don't imagine you've been doing all that much talking. Your voice is coarse."

Cloud heard the hurt in her tone but couldn't find the words to ease it and therefore said nothing. She didn't need to hear a response to know Cloud, the oblivious one, understand the unvoiced complaint. She closed the distance between them and hugged him. Cloud sank into her warmth, thinking how different the hug with Lu was than with Zack. His arms were long and strong, and even when drunk, Zack managed to squeeze him tightly and wrap his heat around Cloud so that no inch of his body felt anything but hot comfort. He even recalled Zack's scent—alcohol infused with Old Spice cologne. But Lu's arms were thinner and not as strong. She drew him into a comforting, sisterly hug, where her arms were loosely circled around him and the warmth he found there did not reverberate sanctity and passion, even.

Snickering from the hallway drew Lu's attention. She pulled back with disapproval and frowned at Seifer and Zack. Cloud, alarmed at the lack of warmth, looked around, befuddled.

Seifer didn't bother addressing Cloud and Lu. He half turned to Zack and teased them. "I told you Lu was lovesick."

Zack only smiled warmly at Cloud, capturing his gaze with his own approval. Cloud acknowledged it with a slight nod, and Seifer sputtered at the silent exchange while Lulu studied Zack more closely with a puzzled expression.

"What the shit was that?" Seifer wanted to know.

Zack shrugged. "I'm gonna go. I've got work, you know. Hey, Cloud," he said, "why don't I take you back home and Lu can catch some sleep?"

Lulu, who Cloud had thought would be embarrassed by Zack's easy admission into the sanctity of her own house when she was hardly decent, nodded. "Come by later, and maybe we'll check out the movies or something."

Cloud stood up to follow Zack down the hallway, through the laundry room, and into the garage. In the spacious garage, Zack draped an arm around Cloud's shoulder and asked, clutching Cloud perhaps a bit too tightly, "What's wrong, you look a bit detached."

Cloud didn't bother explaining. Instead he said, "I didn't realize how much I'd missed Lu."

Zack's heat engulfed him, and he drew closer with each step they took towards Zack's bike. Squall had something big to tell him. Lulu wanted to do something with him like old times. He was going to ride a motorcycle for the first time in his life. And Zack was holding him—no, not holding, just putting his arm around him. Was he supposed to feel normal?

/ - / - / - / - / - /

**Author's Note:** Lu is one of my favorite characters of all time, and my cat (her namesake) was lazing around my laptop and was meowing when I began this chapter, so I decided that this chapter was as good as any to give her a proper introduction, since she is supposed to play a significant part in Cloud's…erm…attraction to Zack.

I realize that this is a character-driven plot (maybe I've said this before, idk). Is my story too slow? Is it missing something? I feel as if I am, but I know of all these things that have to happen before I get to major events, and so I introduce them, but maybe I could introduce them in a more…tactful way? I don't know, what do you, my loyal readers, think about my pacing and the unfolding of the plot?

Reviews are welcome…


	12. Chapter 12: Unexpected Surprises

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing; I'm merely borrowing the characters for a non-profit story.

**Author's Note:** Do I even need to say it? Not proof-read…

**What They Leave Behind**

**Chapter 12**

_Unexpected Surprises_

Cloud wasn't really sure what sparked his reaction. All he knew was that he had a plan, and he was going to follow through with the plan at all costs. With fists balled at his sides, a determined look in his eyes, and firmly straightened lips, he slipped out of his house and into the cool night.

It was a school night, tomorrow being Monday, but what Mom didn't know most likely wouldn't hurt her, and so he chose to do this as discreetly as possible. He decided against taking his car, since Mom would no doubt hear its stuttering as he turned the engine, despite the sudden comfort that emanated from its dented doors. Besides, he mused, he needed the exercise since his morning run had been rudely interrupted—unfairly, even. And he hadn't even been given the choice to walk home.

Cloud sighed as he thought of Zack's bike—Zack's Fenrir, as he called it. He vowed, the moment he stumbled onto the sidewalk in front of his house, he would never, ever, get on that _thing_ again. There was nothing free about riding on that bike. His stomach had churned and the wind had been too cold on his face. Zack had said it took a while to get used to. _Whatever_.

He crossed the lawn to the sidewalk with his hands in his jacket pockets. He didn't mind the cold so much, since he was on a strict mission, but it did make his trek over to his destination a bit uncomfortable.

Tifa was sitting on the bricks in front of her house, a cigarette dangling from her lips, her legs drawn up. He hadn't seen her at first; his eyes had been adjusting to the dark blanket the night threw over their neighborhood, but the fire as she lit the cigarette casted a little light across her face and drew his attention. He studied her face to see if she'd noticed him. She had.

"Hey, Tifa," he muttered.

"Hey, Cloud." Her tone wasn't as positive as it normally was. Perhaps a bit wistful. "Do you remember when we were kids?"

_I don't have time for this_, he thought, fighting back a groan. "What about it?"

She stretched out her legs in front of her with a sharp intake of breath and then settled her feet firmly on the cement. "You and I live like _right_ next to each other, but how often did we hang out?"

Cloud shifted his weight to his other side and wondered if it was a rhetorical question. Finally, he said with his best Squall impression, his phrase unexplained and clipped, "You're a girl."

She didn't even crack a smile. "So? It wasn't like you were the type to think girls had cuddies."

Is there a reason for this? "You never know."

She opened her mouth to speak and then closed it again. After a moment of no talking, she opened it again, her face alighted with mournful conviction. "Is there something wrong with me?" she asked.

Taken off guard, Cloud stared. "Um, what?"

"Is there something wrong with me?" she repeated, unwilling to spell it out for him any more than she was already.

"Look," Cloud said stiffly. "I'm in the middle of something right now. I…I need to…do something right now, so…I'll talk to you tomorrow—or, maybe, the next time I see you?"

"Tch, whatever." Tifa turned her face away, promptly ending the little conversation they'd had.

Cloud waited a little while longer for Tifa to say something more because she always did, but when he realized that was all she was going to say, he returned to his walk. "Um, okay, bye."

The grunt Tifa made he took as a goodbye.

He turned off his street and wound his way through the residential area. He was unfamiliar with this, limiting his time and going straight for the goal, chasing after everyone else. It was hard in itself, but he was desperate. He needed this more than anything, just something. Something warm and caring, anything would have worked. Even Lulu, if the opportunity presented itself, but only if Plan A was shot down.

He turned down another street, entirely unfamiliar other than the name. According to the directions he'd been given, the train station was only a few blocks away from his house, and cutting through the residential area cut off plenty of time than winding around the businesses at this time of night. He checked the names of each street as he passed it, having memorized every single street that led to the train station.

He hadn't really planned on going. He'd just see if he could look it up, plan it out for a future reference. But he sat there in front of his ancient computer the entire evening, staring intently at the screen until his eyes burned and the map imprinted itself on the surface of his brain. And then he stood up, slinked down the stairs, padded through the hallway and toed out of the entry way into the night.

Fog had rolled in, chilling everything with its cold breath, just as the night came to its peak. Cloud snuggled into his sweater, holding himself tightly before breaking off into a run. Running calmed his stomach; running also warmed him up. He listened to his footsteps lightly tap on the damp cement, the occasional splash they made when he passed by sprinklers, and tried to focus on the sound itself and not his mission. No, that was too horrifying. He knew he wanted it more than anything, but he also knew, deep inside, that it was stupid and he'd regret it later.

_Just don't think about it_, he told himself. It was that simple.

He passed out of the residential neighborhood and into the edge of the plaza. On the other side was the train station. He could see its bright lights piercing the fog even across the grocery store's parking lot and thick fog. He followed the light, rounding the occasional cards parked, and snuck into the alleyway between the store and an optometry building. There was a fence there, just a simple chain-linked fence prohibiting foolish young teens from messing around on the tracks on nights such as these.

Cloud paused at the fence, his fingers lacing through the links. This was what he wanted. It wasn't much farther, so why did it feel like it was still unreachable?

Taking one deep breath, he launched himself up on the fence and climbed. It groaned underneath his trim body weight, product of rust and weathering, and leaned to one side. He tucked his bottom lip between his teeth in concentration and them hopped over to the other side, careful of his sweater catching on the spikes at the top.

Cloud landed squarely in the gravel with an echoing crunch, his knees bent for impact. He straightened up and stared at the railroad tracks, two sets of them, in front of him. He took one step, stared, and then took another. He knew it was closed off because it posed a threat to people—especially those at his age, having gone through the same shit he endured. But he couldn't help himself.

He stood on the tracks, balancing on the steel spotted with traces of condensation, one foot on each side, and looked down the way. He couldn't see far enough to detect an oncoming train, nor could he feel the earth trembling beneath him or the tooting of its horn. The train was what he'd come here for, and he was a little disappointed it didn't come while he stood there. Even still, he had a few things to do first.

He crossed to the platform and ascended the few steps there. There was a homeless man huddling beneath a flickering overhead light and a man sitting on a bench covered with blood-red spray paint. Other than that and himself, the train station was vacant of all people. Cloud gazed around, looking for the ticket booth and found the light box through the archway.

Up a few more steps and through the archway, Cloud approached the ticket booth. There was a girl there; she looked familiar but she wasn't young enough to be attending his school. She didn't look up from her book as he presented himself, and Cloud stood there awkwardly. Finally, he cleared his throat.

The girl finished the line she was reading before sliding a ribbon between the pages and closing it. Only then did she turn her attention on him. "Can I help you?"

Cloud bit his lip.

She lifted an eyebrow, annoyed. "Do you want to ride the train?"

He nodded, shifting his weight.

"Where do you want to go?" she asked slowly as if speaking to a child.

He cleared his throat in a weak attempt to dislodge the lump that suddenly formed. He _ahemed_ again. "I…Balamb."

"I'm assuming you want to catch the next train, then?"

A faint nod.

"Well, the next train for Balamb is leaving in an hour. She deftly punched something in on her keyboard and then leaned forward to the window. "That'll be 25 bucks."

Cloud frowned. "I was just on the website. It said a train to Balamb is only 18 for students."

"It used to be. We must not have updated the site since we changed the prince. It's 25 dollars for the ticket."

He reached for his wallet even though he knew he didn't have enough. He parted the two lips and pulled out a twenty, hesitantly. "I only have 20."

She faked an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry. Maybe you can ask someone around if you could borrow 5 dollars. You have an hour, you know," she added more gently before picking up her book and burying her nose in it.

He licked his lips. "…" With a sigh, he turned. He could go back home and scrounge around for another five dollars, but he seemed to have lost all his momentum. He sank into a nearby bench and stared at the sign above the ticket booth. It did say _25 for all_.

But he'd come all this way! And he wanted to see Squall, wanted to talk to him, see his face, feel his hands. He could find a pay phone, call up Lu and ask her for money now that she was in his friend book again. She'd try to rationalize with him, though, tell him to just call Squall. She might even give him Squall's number to call, since they both had withheld that information from him thus long. Or, perhaps Basch? Well—

"Cloud, what the hell are you doing here at this time of night?"

Cloud winced at the voice, shrinking away from it. Clearing his throat, he managed to say, "I could very well ask the same as you, Zack."

/ - / - / - / - / - /

**Author's Note:** Yes, it's quite short. I'm sorry about that and the long way. I'm not sure where I've been the past few months, but I promise not to disappear this long again. Since I have a relatively empty summer, I intend on finishing this story before it ends—yeah, I know that highly improbable, but I can have hopes and dreams, too, can't I?!

Anyway, I would have prolonged the chapter considerably, except I happen to think that it ended perfectly. So perfectly you won't have to wait like 4 months to hear what Zack's doing at the train station at midnight!

I hope you liked it. And I thank all of you for your merciful patience as well as your reviews and support. Sorry again. (I could say I spent the past while locked in a mental hospital…would that get any sympathy?)


	13. Chapter 13: A Night on the Train

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the rights to the characters of Final Fantasy VII; the rights belong to none other than Square Enix/Squaresoft

**What They Leave Behind**

**Chapter 13**

_A Night on the Train_

Zack raked his hands through his dark hair and offered an unsure smile to Cloud, who didn't bother to return the gesture. Encouraged only by the light that suddenly materialized in Cloud's cerulean blue eyes, he reached out and set a hand on the slighter boy's shoulder with a gentle squeeze. "I asked you first, Cloudy. The rule says—"

Cloud wasn't in the mood for small talk. "There are no rules. What are you doing here?"

Zack straightened up, retracting his hand, and shrugged simply. The good-natured puppy, always willing to overlook snappish remarks and negative vibes for the good of a conversation. "Basch isn't here, if that's what you're asking."

"I'm not." _Of course I'm not, I know exactly where Basch is right now_, he thought darkly.

Zack grinned. "It's a secret I'd rather no one knew about, but I'm willing to tell you if you're willing to tell me why you're here." He didn't wait for Cloud's confirmation, most likely because he knew he'd give never give it freely. He must have also known that Cloud wasn't about to disagree. He continued smoothly. "I like to ride the trains at night. It's…actually a little relaxing."

Cloud lifted an eyebrow. "That sounds lame."

"And that sounds mean. If you don't like riding the trains, why are you here?" Zack slipped onto the bench beside Cloud, stretching out his arms with a loud, obnoxious yawn and a shake of his head as if to clear it of cobwebs.

_It sounds even lamer than your secret,_ Cloud thought to himself. Even more of a reason not to divulge it to Zack of all people. "I wanted to see how far I could go."

Zack nudged him with an elbow playfully and asked, "Not running away, are we?"

"I did plan to be back for school tomorrow."

"Well, come with me, then. Costa del Sol is where it's at. It's a beach front, too."

"No." Cloud scooted away from Zack and avoided his gaze. He hated that Zack had found him, but, at the very same moment, he loved that there was somebody there for him. And that somebody was warm and affectionate and had offered him company on the trains. But Cloud didn't want to go on the trains. He wanted to go to Balamb, show up at Squall's foster parents' home and surprise him. He'd sleep in Squall's bed with him, next to him, and maybe that look in Lu's eyes when she'd stated that Squall had something important to tell him would dissipate. Maybe his presence and his warmth would remind Squall why they'd gotten together in the first place.

"Why not? I promise not to talk on the way there—if you don't want me to, of course."

Cloud's heart sank. Why did he think that Squall was going to tell him to go away, that he didn't want to see Cloud anymore, much less touch him? Squall could have anything to tell him, anything at all, so why did it feel like this was going to be the end?

"Hey, Cloud?"

No, he wouldn't stand for that. He wanted this—he could handle the barest of affections, whatever little comforts that Squall could muster from his icy demeanor, he could tolerate the silences and lack of fun that surrounded them in the last few days of their living in the same city. He was just about the only one who could handle it, and then Squall was just going to push him away? No, he was going to pay a visit to Squall tonight. No questions asked.

"Um, are you okay?" Zack reached out and grabbed Cloud's shoulder again. It was a faint touch with even fainter pressure, and Cloud rolled his shoulders and the hand soon fell away.

Wait, why did he keep jumping to conclusions? Squall had never said anything about breaking up—and there wasn't anything binding them to each other, anyway. When did Squall ask him out? When did they agree to date? Never. Squall and Cloud weren't anything but friends—and possibly with lucrative benefits. Nothing more than that.

"Did I…say something wrong? I-I didn't mean to."

Cloud shook the thoughts out of his hand, his heart thumping madly in his chest and his breath threatening to hitch and give himself away. "What are you talking about?" he managed to bite out with a tang of annoyance rolling off his tongue.

"Well, um, you just kind of…stopped talking to me."

"I was thinking, obviously. I know it's something you don't get around to often, but it does come in handy from time to time," he replied absently. Insults to Basch's friends had come easier and easier the more time they spent around his house. Now he hardly even had to think about them, and they just exploded out into the open air without the faintest of conviction behind them.

Zack only seemed amused. "As I can see it helps you out now and then. What great problem has it solved for you tonight?"

"I'm going to Balamb. Do you have five dollars I can have?"

Zack straightened up a bit to lessen the strain of his pants and reached in his pocket for his wallet. He flipped it back and thumbed through the bills there. "Yeah. Here." He handed him five one-dollar bills. "Why Balamb?" he questioned, relaxing on the bench once again.

Cloud shrugged, taking the bills and standing. "Thanks."

Zack heaved a sigh. "I'm coming too, then."

Cloud froze. "No, you're not."

Zack stood up, coming to his full height and towering above Cloud. "Um, yes, I am. I do believe I have enough money for myself, too. Maybe even some snacks when we get there."

"No. Please, don't." The words had come out soft and vulnerable as Cloud delved into a whirlwind of tempestuous thoughts melded together with fear. If Zack went with him, then he would find out. He would find out about Cloud's obsession with Squall…and if Squall rejected him, then Zack would be a witness to his humiliation. And...he couldn't handle that. Zack would feel obligated to tell Basch, and Basch would just never let it go.

"I won't tell Basch," Zack assured him gently as if reading Cloud's thoughts. "But as his friend, I have an obligation to make sure his little brother doesn't do anything stupid. Now let me come with you. If not, I'll just follow you anyway." His grin widened as he rocked on the balls of his feet proudly. "You know I will."

Cloud took a few steps back and looked up in Zack's face. His features were sharp and defined, his skin perfectly clear, his gaze intense. "Do you promise not to tell him?"

"Of course. It's our little secret."

"Fine. But once we get there, you have to leave me alone."

"I'll give you an hour to yourself."

_We'll see about that,_ Cloud muttered to himself and then turned for the ticket booth. The girl, this time, looked up immediately. "Did someone give you the extra five bucks?"

It scraped on his nerves how she talked down to him, but he supposed he earned it by the way he spoke to her before—if he spoke to her at all. "Yes. One ticket for Balamb."

Zack stepped up behind him, placed a firm hand on Cloud's waist, and eased him aside. "Make that two." Even when Cloud was out of the way of the window, Zack didn't take back his hand. Instead, he tightened his grip on Cloud's side and pulled his slighter body closer to his own. Cloud instinctively closed his eyes and let Zack's clement hand command his body. For a second, all of Cloud's anxieties washed away in a tidal wave of Zack's positive energy that flowed through his system. It was all gone too soon though and Cloud sagged closer to Zack for another fix.

The girl batted her eyelashes at Zack while she took the money and stored it away in the register, not even noticing Cloud anymore. "Have a good trip, Zack." She handed him two tickets and watched Zack turn away.

He crossed behind Cloud and snaked an arm across the small of Cloud's back, still keeping him close. Cloud was still a bit cold and Zack's body warmth was always welcome. Zack didn't even seem to think about how he was touching Cloud. He acted as though it was as normal as it could get.

"The train for Balamb comes over there. C'mon, let's go wait over there."

The wait for the train was habitually uneventful. A man sat on the bench beside them and pulled out a cigarette for a smoke, but Zack turned to him and politely asked him to knock it off. The man ended up sitting on another bench, still puffing at the cigarette.

Zack, then, continued his desultory monologue, switching between trivial topics of conversation, none of which Cloud cared for at that exact moment. But Cloud sat there, half-listened, with his hands limp in his lap, and endured it because he liked hearing Zack's smooth voice glide over each syllable, chock full of emotion and conviction. He mused to himself that, in their close proximity to each other, he could feel Zack tense and relax according to his stories, his arms flailing and slicing through the air when excited and his fists balled when speaking of an inane injustice.

Cloud soaked it all in, half thinking of Zack and half of Squall, who was still ignorant of Cloud's visit. How would Squall receive him? Would he see it for what it was—an act of desperation—or would he be too glad to see him to wonder at Cloud's timing?

Just as Cloud came to the hundredth possible encounter between the two of them, the train came roaring into the station, making him jump at the sudden onslaught of noise. He'd never actually been on a train, much less had seen one up close. Living in Midgar and rarely leaving, he had no use for transportation. His world consisted of home and school, occasionally the hospital, but it was an hour away, and his mother preferred the privacy of her own car for transportation. Somehow, Cloud did, too.

Zack stood up with a stretch, taking his hands away from Cloud completely, and nodded to the entrance. "Move out, soldier."

Cloud winced and brushed passed him.

The train was wide open with a row of seats backed up against each side, giving plenty of room in between them for those who preferred to stand, clinging to the cool metal poles lined in the very center. Cloud gazed around the plain interior of the train, the eggshell white walls, half covered in vulgar writing or random ads, none completely intact. There was no one in this car, and the emptiness made it seem cavernous and lonely, even with the blindingly bright lights shining down on him from the fixtures above.

Cloud wasn't sure what to do, with an entire car to himself, and stood awkwardly just beyond the threshold, his fingers curling at his sides as his mind drank in the rush of flatness and emptiness that pervaded the car. Something felt agonizingly familiar about it, the squalidity of the place, the lights, the loneliness.

Sucking in a deep breath, he closed his eyes, uncurling his fingers and then curling them once more.

Suddenly, Zack patted his shoulder roughly and scooted him along gently. Cloud shuffled forward toward the closest chair to the door and stumbled into the seat just as the train jerked forward. It merely chugged brokenly out of the station, but as soon as the train had left the overhang, it jolted forward at a dizzying pace. Cloud looked at his feet.

Everything about this train made him think of that stupid hospital. And now it made him dizzy and sick, the same way that hospital did.

"You've never been on a train before." Zack didn't permit any exaggerated disbelief in his voice in order to keep the peace, so it came out as an observation, a simple statement, and not a question to which Cloud would most likely not respond. "You'll get over it soon." He wrapped an arm around the slighter youth's shoulders and drew him closer. "So does Squall know you're coming?"

Cloud paused, unsure he'd heard the words correctly. "How did--?"

"I'm not an idiot." And he was clearly proud of it by the way he puffed up his chest. He immediately sighed and relaxed. "Squall moved to Balamb. You are going there in the middle of the night. Why else would you be going out there?"

Cloud kept his eyes shut but averted his face in the event Zack was more observant that he would have liked to give him credit for. "I'm not at liberty to talk to you about it."

Zack chuckled. "Not at liberty, eh? Hm." He hesitated, a wave of seriousness washing over him suddenly. "How do you think he'll react?"

_I don't know,_ Cloud thought helplessly. He didn't respond aloud. There was no reason to get Zack involved any more than necessary. He'd wanted his humiliation to remain private, and now loudmouth Zack was going to be privy to it, especially now that he knew Cloud was going to see Squall.

"Cloud, if you want to do this, then I'm all for it, but—"

Cloud's eyes shot open, and he turned to glare at Zack, who froze midsentence, his eyes wide. "But what?" he prompted fiercely.

"Maybe you should have called first."

"Why? I never called first when I used to over to his house."

"Yeah…but…I dunno. A different city…a different life, maybe…?"

"No, he would have told me."

"Told you what?" Zack's tone came out flat, and Cloud's expression softened in confusion. Zack readily spoke with emotion, smoothness or gentleness at the least. This question didn't hold the sympathy that normally rang through his words.

Cloud turned away, entirely aware that he was not going to like the way this conversation was going to end. With his back turned to Zack, he folded one of his legs on the chair to make himself more comfortable and then shrugged out of Zack's grip. A coil of cold air wrapped him into an empty embrace and he pretended that he hadn't asked Zack for the money, that he hadn't agreed to go with him—that he hadn't even taken the train.

What if what Squall had to tell him had something to do with him finding someone else? What if Squall was with him—her—right this second? Touching him as he'd touched Cloud, in places he'd never imagined being touched before, sending signals of pleasure and searing pain along every inch of his body? What if Cloud interrupted the act of love? What would he have done? What would Squall have said?

Cloud closed his eyes, panic swelling up within the strict confines of his belly. He felt the panic flutter despairingly before wracking throughout his body. No, this was not good. He was on the train to Balamb to see Squall and now…he should have thought it completely through. Completely, entirely, utterly. He couldn't see Squall. Not after this. How was he going to get back? He hadn't even thought that far in advanced. He didn't even have enough money to go to Balamb, let alone get back. What was he thinking?

Zack's hand found its way to Cloud's shoulder, lightly this time. Hardly even noticeable. "Hey, look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I just…I just wanted to make sure you thought about it completely. I don't…I don't want you getting hurt." When Cloud didn't reply, he withdrew his hand and sighed. He leaned back, kicking out his legs and threw his head back on the top of the seat. "You should see sunrise on the beach…just as the sun is coming up over the horizon, the sun reflecting off the ocean…it's a sight to see."

"I can't be late to school." The idea did appeal to him, though. It wasn't like he was a straight-A student or anything, or bootlicker that had to be in every single class to suck up to his teachers. He didn't really care about his grades, all considered. His assertion, then, was more like a challenge, to dare Zack to persuade him otherwise.

Zack took up the challenge. "No one will even know. Just get home before your mom can check the messages, erase it, all's well. Basch does it all the time."

_Basch is a kiss-ass, since when does he ditch school 'all the time'? _"It's not that." Really, Mom didn't seem to put too much emphasis on punishment when R—Cloud turned away from that thought immediately, and turned to face Zack. "All right, then. I don't have any money to get back, anyway."

Zack rubbed his hands together, excitedly. "That means you're at my mercy, then, right?"

Cloud rolled his eyes.

"Basch is going to kill me. I just know it."

"He doesn't have to know." And Cloud allowed himself to find something to look forward to in Balamb. If nothing else worked out, then Zack was there to take care of him, to make him happy. He wondered, fleetingly, whether Roxas had felt the same way at one point.

/ - / - / - / - / - /

**Author's Note:** I owe it to you, my readers, to explain that this chapter was supposed to have a different outcome (with a lot more stuff going on). Everything that Cloud had planned on doing tonight was supposed to happen in this chapter, but when I started writing the train scene, I realized that the conversation (and, inadvertently, the chapter) was going in a different direction, I decided to alter the events. I need to work this next chapter into my timeline so everything fits without too many changes, so I will post this one to appease you for the time being.

Also, I want to thank all of my reviewers and faithful readers for staying with me. I know it's been a long trek with little reward, but I promise there will be something juicy eventually. And I'm terribly sorry for the long intervals between chapter updates.


	14. Chapter 14: As Clouds Go By

**What They Leave Behind**

**Warning:** not proofread.

**Chapter 14**

_As Clouds Go By _

It all came down to one simple thing: Squall had moved on. It made impeccable sense, so much that Cloud couldn't deny it. It was a simple as riding a bike. Squall had shifted to another foster home about three months ago, hadn't called once, had been unusually awkward around him--Squall just didn't have the cruelty to admit to him that he'd found someone else.

At least that was what Cloud decided by the time the train chugged to a stop in Balamb Station. Just as in Midgar, the fog swirled around them as they exited the station and engulfed them in damp, salty air. Cloud hadn't thought to bring a warmer jacket, and so he snuggled into the soft cotton and hugged himself. Zack, always playing the hero, deftly stepped closer to him and placed an arm around his shoulders as he had earlier while they walked to no specific destination.

They walked around two blocks about four times before even Zack noticed and he swung himself in front of Cloud to stop him and said, "Don't you know where Leonhart lives?"

"On Garden…" Cloud muttered, but he was now positive he didn't want to go. He avoided Zack's intense gaze and tried focusing on the sign indicating how to reach the beach from where they stood.

"I don't see a Garden around here, so why don't we go in that gas station and ask? It's a small town, right?"

Cloud shook his head. "I've changed my mind. I don't think…maybe I should have told him I was coming before actually coming. I feel…I don't know, sorta like I'm intruding on his life." He expected Zack to gloat, since that was his point all along, but instead he was surprised by Zack's comment.

"Oh, Cloud, we came all the way out here to talk to him, and now you're going to do it, okay? Even if he's got a girl--or a boy or…whatever--you have a right to know. I spent 25 bucks to get you here, and so we're going to bang on his door and he's going to talk to us…or you," he added when Cloud's eyes widened in panic.

"I'd rather not know."

But apparently, Zack did, and so he marched into the gas station and asked the sleepy man behind the counter where he could find either Garden or a foster home, and he got what he wanted because he came out into the cold night beaming. "All righty, Cloudy, it's not far from here, okay?"

Cloud felt completely numb and he wasn't quite sure it had anything to do with the icy air beating across his face. He didn't want to move, and he wouldn't have if Zack hadn't pulled him forward, threatening to drag him there. So he had to shuffle his feet in long enough strides to keep up with Zack but short enough strides to assure Zack he was not happy. He was promptly ignored.

They winded through the residential streets for about a half hour before Zack seemed satisfied they were going in the correct direction. And once they arrived on the street, Cloud planted his feet and was promptly pulled forward a few staggering steps forward before Zack realized what he'd done. He turned around to face him, tapping his foot impatiently. "No more wasting time, Cloud. What's up now?"

"How will you know which house?"

"I've been over to Seifer's house enough to know a foster home when I see it. You go to the crappiest home on the street and it's most likely the one."

Cloud flushed. "I'm not going to a total stranger's house in the middle of the night asking for someone who might not even live there!"

"No worries, baby, I'll do it for you." Zack turned back to the houses to see which one fit his description the very best while Cloud patted his hot face with his icy hands to cool it down and tried to ignore the fact that Zack had called him "baby" without using the insulting inflection Seifer often used when addressing him. It had rolled off his tongue naturally, and it shocked Cloud.

He hurried to catch up to Zack, who had found the house he was looking for, and was striding up the pathway through the lawn to the front porch. It was an old house, but since this area was generally a nice one, it held up nicely compared to his own house. It was boxlike with a flat roof and a small front lawn with a few palm trees lining the sidewalk. Cloud jogged up the pathway to the door as Zack rang the bell repeatedly.

Cloud glared at him, knowing that if someone pulled that at his house, he'd open the door with the kitchen knife in his hand, but Zack grinned back. "It's the only way to get results, Cloud. Seriously."

The blond rolled his eyes and focused on the door beyond Zack's shoulder. After a moment of silence, the porch light was turned on and illuminated the two of them as a man peeked through the curtains to see who it was. With a groan, he opened the door and said, "What the hell do you want at this time of night?"

Cloud was appalled. The man was mostly bald, but had a thick patch of hair across his chin, and a full stomach that could have passed off as eight months pregnant, which hung out of his wife-beater shirt. _This _was who Squall was living with?

"Excuse me, sir, but we're friends of Squall's and we--"

"Squall?" He gaped at Zack, and then said, "You mean the foster kid? He's across the street." He pointed to the house directly across the street and to the left.

Zack's face lit up. "Thank you, I was--"

"Never knock at my door again." He slammed his door shut and turned off the porch light.

Cloud was so relieved that Squall didn't live there, he didn't bother moaning about the rudeness of the man. He skipped down the path without actually realizing he was heading for Squall house for sure, and Zack followed behind him, still smiling.

Squall's house wasn't ugly, but it was simply decorated and all the more nice for it. There was a walkway created with flat slabs of stone toward the front door, and as soon as they began stepped across them, an overhead light flashed on. This time Cloud knocked at the door, but as soon as a dainty woman answered, he withdrew to behind Zack.

"I'm sorry for the late hour, ma'am, but we're old friends of Squall's--"

"Oh!" She looked at them with bright eyes. "He hasn't made any friends here, so it's a relief to see someone visit him, even if it is a little late on a school night," she added pointedly. But she opened the door wider and nodded them inside. "His room is at the very end of the hall on the right."

Zack drew back. "I'm going to wait outside."

"Oh, no, no, no, dear!" The woman nodded him inside. "It's so cold out there. Why don't you come in and I make you some hot chocolate?"

Cloud was about to tell her that it was late and they didn't want to trouble her any more, but Zack took the offer immediately and followed the woman into the kitchen, winking at Cloud as he passed him.

Cloud gazed down the darkened hall, feeling as if he was staring down a bottomless cliff. There was just no end to the darkness permeating the long corridor, and a deep feeling of dread washed over him as he took his first step. Squall hadn't made any knew friends, which meant that, perhaps, Squall still wanted Cloud. That was a good thing, right?

With eyes clamped shut, he made his way through the darkness until he came to the end, where he stared at the darkened shadow that was Squall's door and deigned to open it. He figured knocking would rouse anyone else but coming right in might frighten Squall--but that was the most unlikely, and so he turned the cool brass knob and peeked inside. It too was dark, except the curtains in the window was open and the orange light of the street lamp outside pokes its head into the room to cast a faint luminescence on a bare white room, a plain desk hardly touched, and a twin bed with a dark comforter disrupted only by the body within it.

Perhaps he shouldn't wake up Squall. It was a school night, and he always slept early, whether Matron and Cid told him to or not, which meant that he liked to get a good night's rest. This might cause problems, it--

He sighed. He had come all this way, and if he didn't take the chance now, then he most likely wouldn't like where it ended. He had spent the past few months speculating about Squall, and then that horrid phone call had come by, making it harder to sleep than to wonder at what it could mean. He needed this settled, for better or for worse.

He edged inside and then hesitantly closed the door softly behind him. The vague noise didn't disturb Squall's sleep, leaving Cloud to determine how exactly to wake him. Taking a deep breath, Cloud bent down on his knees beside Squall's bed and tentatively reached out. Before making contact, he withdrew his hand. A touched would make the dream go away, and was he sure that was exactly what he wanted?

Without anymore thinking, he shook his head and shook Squall awake. While he might have been used to, at one point, Seifer's midnight tantrums waking him up now and then, he didn't seem to take it as well as he used to. Squall shot up in bed and flung himself as far away from Cloud as possible before taking his arm away from his chest and saying, "What the hell are you doing here, Cloud?"

Cloud withdrew. "That's a good question."

Squall unfurled a bit and reached over to turn on a tall lamp standing beside his bed, lighting the room up some more. Cloud looked up and hungrily sucked in as much as he could of that familiar but unfamiliar face once more. Squall's features seemed to have hardened in the past few months or at least in sleep, and the Balamb sun seemed to have gotten to his skin, however subdued, but he seemed mostly the same. A perpetual frown, those cloudy blue eyes, bangs falling across his face.

"I really missed you," Cloud blurted out, widening his eyes in horror when he'd realized he's voiced his thoughts.

Squall's frown deepened but he didn't withdraw inside himself again. "I did, too. That's why I was going to…I wanted to tell you that I'm coming back to Midgar."

It was exactly what he'd wanted to hear. He'd been hoping…and dreaming it would be so. So what was this tempest of confused emotions raging inside of him? "But…but how?"

Squall sighed, his defenses crumbling. "I--it was a little odd. I wasn't sure how to tell you because I didn't know how to explain it to myself. Do you remember Mrs. and Mr. Loire?"

How could he forget? They were family friends, Mom was always spending time with them. "Of course," he offered when Squall didn't move to reply.

"They want to adopt me. They say that…" Squall looked away, his normally sleepily pale skin darkening ever so slightly. "They say I'm their son."

"Like…really? Biologically?"

"Yes."

"But that's great. Mr. and Mrs. Loire are really nice!"

"I'm not sure it's what I want."

Cloud stared at his old friend with confusion. "I don't understand." Of course, Mr. Loire was a bit of a klutz and a marshmellow, two of the worst characteristics to have in Squall's book, but that didn't mean that he couldn't learn to love him. Squall needed a parent--always wanted tone. And he was coming home.

Squall shrugged. "I didn't expect you to." The words hung in the air longer than usual, reverberating and stinging Cloud each time they echoed. How could words hurt so much? "It doesn't matter anyway. I'm going back to Cid and Matron's for a while until they 'get used' to me." It was as close to an apology as Squall could possibly offer, but Cloud couldn't let it go.

"It makes sense," he muttered, "why you've been talking to Lulu about it. She…she knows more about being an orphan that I do."

"I _said _it didn't matter," Squall repeated firmly.

"I know," Cloud replied, "but it still makes me feel bad."

There was a long silence after that admission, where awkwardness fed on each moment until both of them were unsure how to ease out of it. Finally, Squall moved over on his bed and patted on it. "Come here and tell me how you managed to get here by yourself."

So Cloud crawled onto the bed beside Squall and covered his legs with the little warmth left behind by Squall's body, and launched into the story of how he'd come, forgetting for a moment of the pain that lingered between them. Instead, he focused on how impulsive and stupid he'd been, especially by allowing Zack to come with him, which caused Squall to snicker. He told him of the neighbor who looked pregnant and his horror at the thought it was Squall's foster father, and then eased into Squall's foster mother's offering Zack inside.

"So Zack's waiting for you in the kitchen?" Squall asked easily, masking any sort of emotion that might have crossed his face.

"Yeah. He said he didn't mind waiting, though."

"I wonder why."

"Why he doesn't mind waiting?"

"Why he's doing all of this for you. He never took much of an interest in you before."

Cloud paused and then scooted further down until he lay nearly flat underneath the bedding. "There's a lot about Zack I never knew before. He's brimming full with mysteries."

"Like what?"

"Like…" Cloud paused. An ocean of thoughts arced through his mind, drowning him in each of the emotions junctioned to each one, until he didn't have half a second to think before he blurted out, "Zack hugged me. He just…put his arms around me and held me close, and I…really…liked…it."

If Squall was confused, he hid it excellently well. His expression remained impassive while he studied his hands splayed out in the air before him. "Zack was always very touchy. I never thought you were the same."

"I'm not." Cloud couldn't deny that. But it had felt nice anyway. He could still feel the warmth that had engulfed him that night, that had held him and rocked him to sleep.

Cloud slowly stood then. "I should go. You have school tomorrow."

Squall nodded. "All right."

"When are you coming back?"

"I'm not sure. But soon."

Cloud bent over to kiss Squall sloppily on the cheek before darting out the door into the silent hallway before any goodbyes were required.

Catching his breath, he waited a few minutes before going down the hall and greeting Zack who sat alone in the kitchen with an empty cup of hot chocolate. He looked up and said, "So?"

Cloud shrugged, keeping his face cool. "Outside."

As soon as they were outside and safely walking down the street, Cloud said abruptly and rather monotonously, "Squall's coming back."

There was a pause while Zack processed what it could mean before he exploded. He hopped up and stepped in front of Cloud as he often did to stop him. "That's great, Cloud! When's he coming back and why aren't you grinning uncontrollably?!"

"He said soon, and I don't know why."

"Aren't you happy?" Zack's smile flickered and then disappeared. "This is good news, right?"

Cloud shrugged. "It's what I wanted."

_But it also means Zack won't need to pay attention anymore_.

Cloud's expression soured. Where did that come from? Since when did he even enjoy spending time with the nonstop talking, the rich enthusiasm, the emotional charge?

Zack slipped out of his way, then, taking his expression to mean something else. He nudged Cloud forward and then said, "I asked Mrs. Forester where we could find the beach from here. It's just down this way. I want you to see it. It's beautiful at night!"

Zack couldn't possibly mean anything to him. He was annoying and loud, he was emotional and too caring, he had a motorcycle Cloud absolutely hated, and he had a girlfriend who took up a lot of his time. Not to mention he was best friends with Basch. That was the worst of it.

Zack took the news as a remedy to the silence. He chattered on excitedly with as much excitement to cover for the both of them, and made plans for the future for all of them. Plans that were stupid and would never come to pass, but Cloud found that it was nice to set them all out before him and look at them the way you would look at the stars in the midnight sky. They were beautiful and sparkling and perfect, but they were never reachable. He took comfort in them anyway.

They heard the waves crashing onto the shore before they actually saw it. The beach was far below them so they looked at the ocean from atop the steep bluffs, where there was a grassy patch with a park bench nestled beside flowers and a palm tree. The fog was less dense then. Cloud could see the sliver of the moon's reflection shimmering and wavering across the cresting waves. It _was _beautiful.

But it wasn't good enough for Zack. He dragged Cloud down the winding stairs to the beach, where they both had to pause and take off their shoes, and then Zack dared Cloud into a race to see who hit the water first, which Cloud naturally won except for that fact that he hadn't actually _touched _the water since it was cold and Zack did, so Zack considered himself the winner and spent the next half hour gloating about nothing.

It wasn't until the horizon turned a faint green as the sunlight threatened to end the night that Cloud needed to sit down with a yawn. It had been a long night, full of discord and confusion, but it had also been a good night. He had something to look forward to in a few weeks, which hadn't happened since Squall had left, and he had spent a good deal of the night laughing because Zack was an idiot but in a good way, and it was a nice way to end it.

Zack settled himself in the fine sand beside him and let out a content groan. "I could use some breakfast just about now."

"I don't have any money," Cloud told him unthinkingly and started digging holes into the earth with his feet. The sand turned darker the deeper he dug and wetter. Despite the chill that shocked him when he uncovered each layer, he continued to delve deeper.

"That was my way of getting you to tell me what you felt like getting. _I'll _pay."

"I don't know what's around here."

Zack leaned forward and dug his fingers into the mound of sand sitting beside Cloud's hole and then pushed it over until it flooded the ditch. Cloud glowered at him before starting again.

"Well, there's Sandy's."

"And?"

"I don't live here! How am I supposed to know?"

Cloud grinned at Zack, who paused in his attempts at filling up the holes and stared up at him. "You know, Cloud," Zack began softly. "You look amazing when you smile."

Cloud looked at him doubtfully but still playing along, his grin disappearing. "And do I want to look amazing?"

Zack straightened up and said, looking off to the roaring waves, "I guess it depends on what you expect to get. I doubt many people can get this without at least doing something that's amazing."

Cloud couldn't keep the smile from blossoming across his face. "What was is this? A night with little reward?"

Zack grumbled. "As if there was nothing tonight that was rewarding." And then he leaned over and pressed his lips against Cloud's. He lingered there for a minute before pulling back. "That's a good enough reward, right?"

But Cloud was frozen. "What was that for?" was all he could muster up and say.

/ - / - / - / - / - /

**Author's Note:** I think I glossed over everything I had meant to savor, but I still got it done. Who saw _that_ coming? I suppose it's only fair to say that if I didn't know Zack's thoughts as I wrote this, then I wouldn't have expected that, either! And Squall coming back! My story is changing right before my eyes! It was a good opportunity and I took it. Both of these actions are going to put Cloud in a place that is going to weigh anything and everything, and I'm very excited.

Anyway, I'm sorry for the slow progress, but I can't seem to pick up the pace. Also, I'm sick. Either the flu or the cold, I can't really tell. Both ways, I'm entirely miserable, and school started last week :( But that's not even the biggest of my worries of late! - sigh -

I won't promise this next chapter soon, but I hope I write it and post it as soon as possible. Anyway, thank you all for putting up with my erratic updates, and I would love to hear what you all think of the turn of events--and whether you saw them coming or not.


	15. Chapter 15: Watching the World

_**What They Leave Behind**_

_**Chapter 15**_

_Watching the World from My Window_

As a lonely cloud passed by, he sat and stared at it from his window. It was a clear day, still cool and crisp as so many late winter days were, but from his window, it was warm and the air looked clean. A few cars passed on the street, speeding without a care for the children playing along the sidewalk, but silence mostly carried its weight down there. The only noise Cloud heard was the rattle of the heater as it sluggishly turned on to reheat the barren house.

Mom had already left for work, completely oblivious to Cloud's sullenness. Perhaps she was used to it, and this was just a whole new level to Cloud where no one else noticed but himself. Basch had made to speak to him, but he hadn't caught up to him yet. As long as Cloud continued to avoid him at all cost, then all would end well.

Basch came in after a minute and peered over at Cloud. "Are you ready?"

Yesterday, Cloud had driven to school and on the way there, it had flat out died. So he had locked his doors and ran the next block to school, but when he returned with Basch and inevitably Seifer (thankfully Zack wasn't there), it turned right back on without any trouble. Because he swore it had died on him in the morning, Basch decided he would drive Cloud to school until he and Seifer had a chance to work on it.

Cloud nodded hesitantly. "Yeah, as ready as I'll ever be."

He grabbed his backpack on his way out of the room and sullenly followed his older brother down the staircase. The house was completely dead and still, with the rattling of the heater and the stairs creaking underneath their weight as they thundered downstairs, and it made Cloud increasingly uncomfortable to be there. He hurriedly grab a pack of Pop Tarts from the pantry and raced out the door to Basch's pickup.

Climbing into the passenger seat, he arranged the vents so they pointed upwards when Basch turned up the heater to an unnecessary degree, and waited for Basch to hurry up. Once he climbed in, he turned on the truck and said to Cloud as he pulled out of the driveway, "Let me ask you something."

Cloud groaned. _Please, no._

"Is everything all right with you?"

That was entirely unanswerable. It could go several different ways. Cloud narrowed his eyes. "Why ask?"

Basch trained his eyes on the road expanding out in front of the truck, gripping the steering wheel with an iron hold. "I don't know. You've been different. I mean, you're always different, from day to day, in different moods, but I mean, you've been extra withdrawn lately."

'Extra withdrawn'? It confused Cloud to no end that Basch could see things that he shouldn't have been able to see. Maybe Zack betrayed him and told Basch about Squall? He hadn't been acting any differently than he had been these last few days, so it was definitely very odd that he mentioned anything. "I'm fine."

"You always say that. You haven't come out of your room even to run." Basch had a hoarse voice, due to his own quiet demeanor, but he spoke softly, almost at a whisper, this morning. It was as if he was trying to say them without Cloud actually hearing. But he heard.

"I haven't been feeling much like running."

"Running clears your mind." It came out quickly, as if he had already been prepared for Cloud's answer.

_Next time, I'm walking,_ he thought to himself, glaring at a group of students walking on the sidewalk to school. Fate just couldn't be kind to him, could it?

Basch shifted in his seat as he slowed down a stop at an intersection and said, "I know you don't want to hear it, but I'm worried about you. I really am. If something happened to you, like it did to Roxas, I'd just…"

Cloud grabbed his bag. "All right, I'm walking from here." He thrust open the door and muttered over his shoulder, "I'm walking home after school, too." And as he scrambled between the stopped cars to the sidewalk, he could feel Basch's hardened gaze following him. Why? _Why _did he have to make everything so hard?

The morning passed relatively the same as it always did, with the exception that Lulu met him at the gates and walked with him to his first class, then met with him for lunch.

They sat underneath the tree with the school plaque in front in a comfortable silence. Lulu, the meticulous one, arranged the contents of her lunch out in a very orderly way across her folder and on the bench upon which they sat without offering any unnecessary comments while Cloud searched the surrounding area for three dangers--naturally Basch, most certainly Seifer, and without a doubt Zack. Zack had been, up until a few mornings ago, only on that list lightheartedly, but now Cloud had no choice but to label him as just as, or possibly more so, dangerous than the other two.

What had he been thinking? Was there something going on between him and Zack that he hadn't, up until that night, noticed? Lu had told him hundreds of times that he was oblivious to anything that wasn't precisely drawn out for him to see, but something like that _should _have been obvious. And even if he _had _missed the signs--which had to have been bright as the sun at noon--it still left him grappling to explain what he had felt when it had happened.

It had been an easy kiss--though not passable even in the most friendliest culture as strictly unromantic--and it had lasted only seconds, but part of him felt as if he had finally let out a breath he'd been holding for years. It was unmistakable relief. But it was only a kiss. And it was from Zack--_Zack_, Aerith's boyfriend. You just couldn't take anything he did or said as serious. So why did he do it? And why did it frightened Cloud so much--so much that avoiding Zack, above avoiding Basch, became his priority.

It couldn't be helped, really. His questions had tormented his temptestuous mind for the past few days without any reprieve, without any sort of silver lining in sight. He hadn't had anyone drag him out of the rampaging ocean of thoughts and scenarios that seemed to aggrandize as the seconds ticked by. Zack, he'd come to rely on Zack to make even the most complicated emotions that plagued him seem ant-sized. Zack was the one who'd always brought him out of his thoughts and made him smile. Zack had been the one to make everything seem tolerable. Cloud, at one point, had felt a change swelling up within the depths of his spirit, something that threatened to give him the energy to try again. Zack had caused it. And now he stole all of that away with one stupid kiss that made absolutely no sense whatsoever!

Finally Lulu opened a small plastic container with chopped up cucumbers, carrying the sweetish scent on the air, and offered him some. He wrinkled his nose in disgust. "Haven't changed that much," he told her, pushing it away.

"Cucumbers are good for your skin," she told him, but he didn't think she needed him to remind her that it only worked when applied to the skin directly. She easily moved onto another subject. "Zack cornered me today when I was going to fourth. He seems to have noticed you're avoiding him."

"It's that obvious?"

She laughed. "Uh huh." When Cloud didn't seem to find it as funny as she did, she smothered her laughter with a smile and then said, "So what did Rico Suave do now?"

What _hadn't_ he done? "Nothing. I just feel like Basch is looking over my shoulder whenever Zack's around," he lied.

She nodded, the lines on her forehead deepening as she processed his lie and the fact that he'd lied to her. It took her a second, like always, to decide how to go about it, which was ignorance, and then said, "He seems to think he did something to upset you. He looks sincerely apologetic."

"I'll remember that next time he smothers me with a three hour lecture on how to score a girlfriend." So it was a mistake? That was the only conclusion he could come to, and a mantle of strangeness settled over him. How was he supposed to feel about that?

That was Lu's only attempt, thankfully, at getting Cloud to speak. Instead, she went off talking about her essay topic, which she was permitted to choose in her history class, where he absently listened to her gentle prattle and stared off at the flowing body of students all around them.

At the bell, Lu gathered all of her things quickly and efficiently and stuffed it back in her overflowing bag. Before Cloud could walk away, though, she grabbed him firmly on his shoulder and pulled him close to her as the wave of students scrambling to their classes threatened to separate them. "You can tell me anything, you know. I want to help you, and I'll do whatever you need me to, and I won't judge." With that, she promptly walked away, Cloud scowling after her.

Lulu caught up to him after school, which had caught him off guard. He and Lu had a mutual friendship, but they never sought each other's company demandingly and frequently. Occasionally when one of them was bored, or at school, or when upset, or when other friends came together, but Cloud had already seen her enough for the day and had been one of the first students to walk out of the gates in order to evade Lulu's hawk-like vision. Mission failed.

"So what are you doing for the rest of today?" she asked hopefully.

Cloud shrugged. "I'm tired. I might take a nap."

"Oh. Well, afterwards, do you want to do something?"

"Not really."

She hesitated then before she launched into a speech. "I know I'm bothering you, Cloud, but it's just that…the only other people I've hung out with are Quistis and Seifer, and I miss you."

Cloud snorted. "You hung out with Seifer?" Quistis he could see because she shared the passion for education and brilliance with Lulu, but Seifer? What did Seifer and Lulu have in common aside from being orphans?

Lulu shrugged. "He listens even if he pretends not to. And he's incredibly insightful when you think things are too complicated." She paused and then they both burst out laughing. "And, of course, he's incredibly stupid most of the time. I've been _that _desperate. Let me come over or something. Please."

Cloud paused, weighing the pros and cons of spending the afternoon with Lulu. Well, for one, he wouldn't feel guilty for leaving Lu to face off her demons alone. And he might be able to take his mind off of the turmoil that was currently coiled around his spirit in a death grip. But then again, the more time he spent with Lu, the more time she would get to guilt him into telling her everything that was wrong, which was, more or less, a good thing, so…?

"Tomorrow. After school. We'll go out and do something." He paused, keeping his eyes trained on the sidewalk underneath his feet to avoid getting a glimpse of Lu's hurt expression. "But definitely _not _today."

Her steps faltered and then she broke off from him. "All right then. Tomorrow. I will hold you to it," she told him pleasantly and waved him off as she headed down another way to her own house. He refused to look back.

Relief flooded him when he came home to find the house empty. Mom's car as well as Basch's truck were gone from the driveway and the windows were dark against the muted sun's light. He strode across the lawn, digging in his backpack for his keys, and then promptly unlocked the door, his mind blank to anything he might do as soon as he was in there.

He went up to his room, dropped his bag in the corner, and crawled onto his bed to gaze down at the empty street below. The house resounded with humming silence, not even interrupted by the normal roaring of a passing car, and Cloud couldn't find the motivation anywhere to do something about it--leave the house, turn on music or the TV. He just stared down out the window, blinking and mindless.

About an hour into his street-gazing, he watched Zack pull up to the house on his motorcycle. Basch still hadn't come home yet, so there had to have been only one reason for his presence. Cloud remained still in the window, not hiding himself from the view of the street but neither did he gather attention by making any sort of movement. Zack raised his eyes as he stood on the driveway to Cloud's window, holding a hand up to shield his eyes from the sun, and Cloud swore their eyes had met and stuck, but when he made no move to open to the door to him, Zack climbed onto his bike and drove away.

How could Zack have kissed him? Guilt flooded passed his barriers and filled him so that he couldn't possibly deny that he'd betrayed Roxas more and more. The fact that he'd liked it--that he'd relied on Zack so much in the past without even knowing it--made everything seem worse. And Aerith, too. She was always so good to him. And here he was, brooding over the fact that Zack had meant to apologize!

Basch was the next to come home. He pulled into the driveway easily and hopped out of the truck, gazing around the yard for clues for whatever fulfilled his paranoid fantasies. When he caught Cloud's gaze, he nodded once solemnly and then proceeded into the house. Cloud had thought that was it, but it wasn't. After a few minutes of situating himself, Basch came into his room without knocking. He leaned on the doorway with a frown. "What's wrong?"

Cloud groaned. "Nothing, just go away."

"No." He hesitated. "Zack told me that you went to Squall's a few nights ago. He told me that he kissed you."

Cloud buried his face in his heads. "He _what_?"

"Is this what's been bringing you down lately?" Basch stepped forward, reaching out for his younger brother despite the distance between them.

"Basch, just…please. I'm not in the mood." He refused to look up into his brother's face. A fist clenched his guts tightly and winced as he felt the oncoming of a stomach ache.

"Neither am I, which is why I want you to tell me honestly."

Cloud refrained from asking the inevitable--_what is there for me to tell you?_ Instead he turned back to his window and tried concentrating on the passing cars, the people returning from work and pulling into their driveways.

"Cloud. He seems upset. You've been especially withdrawn since then. What happened?" he paused. "Did he hurt you?"

He shook his head faintly. Of course Zack hadn't.

"Then why are you so upset?"

No answer.

Basch crossed the room with sure steps and sat beside Cloud. "Please tell me, Cloud. If you…Roxas never talked to me, but I'm the oldest here. I could have helped him--and I can help you. You just have to talk to me. Tell me things."

Cloud closed his eyes at Roxas's name, his mind reeling at the unbidden memories that seeped through the locks that he had constructed ever since the accident._ No, no, no, no, no! _he fought angrily. "Don't bring _him _into this," said Cloud between gritted teeth. Roxas had been a sore subject as it was, and then adding that damnable kiss made it worse. And now Basch was guilting him into speaking, rubbing it in that Cloud himself hadn't even been there for his best friend, his brother. Basch was doing what he hadn't; offering help...repeatedly.

"I am going to. Because he's our brother. We _should _talk about him. We should talk about what happened. Cloud, whatever you aren't telling me is weighing you down. It's killing you. Just tell me. Anything. Everything."

"Whatever happened with Zack had nothing to do with Roxas. Don't mix the two problems."

"_Don't _call Roxas a problem. What harm can it be to talk about him? What did you _do _to him?"

The last question hung in the air bitterly. It was that same accusation as before, the same tone. Cloud shuddered as all the memories came flooding back. He stood back from himself, examined the memories distantly as if examining post cards to send home, stacked them up, slid them aside.

Basch had caught the flinch. He wrapped an arm around Cloud's shoulder and tried to rescind his words. "I hadn't meant it like that. I'd--"

Cloud slapped his limb away and stood up. "Roxas is dead to me. There's nothing more to say." And then he ran out the door, leaving Basch dumbstruck.

He floundered down the stairs and flew through the entryway and out the door, stretching his legs as he ran with long strides across the lawn and onto the sidewalk. It was no more than six in the evening, but dusk was well on its way to settling across the city. The sun streaked orange rays down from atop the peaks of the nearby hills and shed the last bit of light onto the world. But he didn't need any sort of light to navigate his way to his destination. Though he made it a point to avoid the location, he knew it well.

He didn't slow his pace, not even when a stitch materialized in his side. He ran until he had no more breath left in him. And by then he was standing in front of Zack's house, lit up prettily with lawn lamps in the shape of oversized daisies lighting the walkway to his front door. Cloud stood and stared. He had to do this. He really did. Zack was an idiot. A bigmouthed, naïve, egotistical idiot, but he was also the only one who Cloud felt he could talk to. Zack had been right. They were the only ones to whom they could talk about Roxas. And now he wanted to speak. And he wanted to _know_.

Once he caught his breath, he nursed his side and strode up to the front door, knocking lightly once before spotting the door bell. Pressing that, he waited several minutes before the overhead light illuminated the porch for him, and Mrs. Fair opened the door. She looked confused. "Cloud, what are you doing here?"

"I need to talk to Zack." He thought about it, and then added, "If that's all right."

"Of course. Come in, come in." She urged him forward and ushered him up the stairs to his room, but she didn't escort him, which made him feel relieved. He didn't want her looking over his shoulder as he nervously decided to knock on Zack's bedroom or not. It would have been rude to walk in on Zack without warning, but then, he hadn't exactly wanted to knock on his door. He felt…too distanced. As if he would shatter the peaceful silence that had taken hold of the Fair house.

He lifted his hand to knock, and then cocked his head as if to listen to any cues coming from Zack's room that would clue him into Zack's current activities. He heard nothing. Perhaps napping? He was there for sure, though. After all, Mrs. Fair had told him to go up to Zack's room.

Finally he slipped his sweaty palm over the brass knob and turned it gently, pushing the door open enough to peer into Zack's room. While it was a bit dark, a lamp was lit over the desk and a lava lamp was gurgling and alighted on his dresser across the room. Zack, however, wasn't at his desk, nor standing, nor sitting on his bed. He was on the carpet, his hands folded neatly across his chest as he stared up at the ceiling fan, rotating lazily above him.

Cloud opened the door wider and came in. The dark-haired senior didn't notice him. So he slammed the door shut behind him, inwardly pleased that Zack jumped up and to attention.

Zack blinked. "Cloud? What are you doing here?"

Considering the places to sit, he silently agreed with Zack that the floor was best--and the darkness was fitting, too. He sat in the lotus position on the floor, his back pressed up against Zack's full-sized bed bedframe, and then he closed his eyes, using the last bit of his strength to keep his emotions from swelling and exploding into their space. He was _nervous_.

Zack scooted over to sit beside him, hip pressed against hip, and leaned back onto the cherry wood bedframe. "What's wrong?" he prompted soothingly.

Cloud swallowed the lump gathering in his throat and took one last gulp of air before exclaiming, "I killed Roxas."

"No, you didn't," came Zack's even reply.

Cloud trembled and held himself tightly as if the chill had risen in Zack's room to a higher degree. "I did. And I tried blaming it on you, and I couldn't even do that. I killed him, and now I have to live with it. I--I look over at his bed every night and I see it empty. I see what could have been." He paused, his eyes burning. "I don't deserve Squall's affection. I don't deserve _yours_."

"But you came to me anyway." Zack pulled Cloud close to him. "Look, I don't know what's got you so upset, but you didn't kill Roxas. He's not dead. He's just…"

"Brain dead?"

"He remembers you."

"How do you know?"

"I visited him yesterday. I thought about what you'd said oh so long ago, and I decided that I should visit him. He doesn't remember me. But he kept asking for you. Asking for his big brother, his best friend. Cloud." Zack paused, his voice uneven. " 'His name is Cloud. Cloud Strife,'" he said innocently mimicking Roxas's words.

"Why? I _ignored _him when he needed me the most. If I would have just shown I cared, he wouldn't have gone. He wouldn't have hurt himself." Before Zack could produce any words fitting enough to voice aloud, Cloud continued without restraint. "And now Basch just rubs it in--'Cloud, you can talk to me' and 'I'm worried about you; I don't want anything to happen to you. I can prevent it!'"

There was a moment of silence before Zack questioned, rather firmly, "Why are you _here_, Cloud?"

"Because…I…I don't know. I wanted to tell someone. I wanted to tell you."

"Why?"

Though Zack hadn't released him, Cloud felt his muscles loosen as if he was getting ready to. He remained fixed in his position. How was he going to explain that he'd realized from that kiss that he loved Zack's hugs and affections he bestowed on him. That kiss gave him everything he'd been yearning for these past few months--years, maybe. And now it prompted him to make a change. Basch helped with that. "I want to know why you kissed me," he told him slowly. His words were sincere, but they weren't quite what he'd wanted to say. They hadn't quite held the intensity he'd wanted to express.

Zack sighed deeply, gathering his words carefully. "I care about you. I-I don't know exactly what that means, but it's how I feel."

Cloud nodded, feeling reassured that he could share his admission with Zack. "I liked it."

"You ignored me after I kissed you."

"I was confused," Cloud countered easily. Then he sighed. "You make me feel like I can do things I normally wouldn't do. I want to be happy."

"And you want to reach an understanding about Roxas."

"Yes."

Hesitation. "You know, Cloud," Zack started, "I'm dating Aerith."

"I know." _I'm not asking for you to date me, _he thought glumly.

"Okay." And he tightened his grip on the slighter boy and planted a warm kiss on the top of his head. "I'm going to take you to see Roxas tomorrow." Cloud flinched. "And I'm gonna make sure of it, too. For now, relax."

That night, Cloud slept easily.

/ - / - / - / - / - /

**Author's Note: **I'm posting this against my better judgment. This is what I had planned on, but the execution was weak and garbled. It seems almost as if Cloud can't figure out what he's more upset about. I should have introduced his thought processes on how Zack and Roxas were all related in his worries. Also, it bothers me that Cloud and Zack aren't as funny together as they used to be. I will change that in the chapters to come; emotions were just a bit intense.

I humbly await complaints about this chapter. There is no doubt that I will end up fixing it when I go back and polish this entire story when I finally get to the end, so suggestions and specific complaints are encouraged.


	16. Chapter 16: Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow

**What They Leave Behind**

**Chapter 16**

_Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow, Another Day_

Engulfed in an ocean of warmth, Cloud refused to open his eyes. It seemed as if the heater had been turned up to match the sun's temperature, and it lulled him in and out of a dreamy state. He blinked a few times, only to lock out the blurry onslaught of sunlight by firmly closing his eyes again. But eventually, his bed pushed him over.

Eyes flashed open to flutter at the shock of yellow light streaming out of a window on the other side of the room. Not his room. The ceiling fan turned in lazy revolutions above him, dragging an airplane along with a thin string. This was definitely not his room. These bright blue sheets and those Tasmanian Devil print curtains, the neatly arranged books on the shelf in a not-quite alphabetical order, the tropical fish tank bubbling to life on the far side of the bedroom. It wasn't like any room he'd ever been it.

Silence permeated the whole room, invoking a strong sentiment of falling into warm, puffy clouds, safely, securely. Not a single thing lay scattered across the carpet, not even on the desk! The pencils in the cup were neatly arranged, the papers stacked neatly in labeled trays--even the texts books were lined up by size on the shelf above the desk.

The bed shifted again, this time successfully launching him off the edge and onto the floor. Tangled in sheets, he floundered to stand up and glare at the unruly thing that had done it, but once he was safely out of the knots, he was staring down at Zack's dark mop of hair as it hung off the side of the bed, his body fitfully covering the entire mattress. Cloud murmured a few death threats before poking him to prompt movement.

Zack didn't move.

He poked him again.

Again, Zack didn't make a move.

Cloud contemplated grabbing the dark locks and pulling him over the side of the bed with them, but before he could carry out his genius plan, the alarm sitting on the wooden headboard rang to life. As Zack lifted his hand to silence it, Cloud grabbed it and carried it across the room to the window sill and left it there, smug, and waited for Zack to move.

Zack grumbled, patting his headboard where the damn thing should have been, and when he couldn't find it, he lifted his head off the pillow and groggily blinked. "What the--?" Discovering the culprit, he rose to meet the challenge.

Growling, he rolled off the bed, catching himself firmly with his feet and crossed the room to shut it up, all the while glaring at a smug Cloud. "I do hope you realize my alarm clock has a snooze option," he growled. "But it won't _work _now."

He slid open a thin white door that Cloud hadn't noticed before to a small bathroom. "Do you want to take a shower first?" he offered politely, standing in the doorway, wiping his eyes.

Cloud returned to the bed and crawled back in, nabbing the comforter with which Zack had wrapped himself and cuddling deep into it.

He didn't get to sleep much. Mrs. Fair had come in sometime during Zack's shower, to make sure they were up only to discover Cloud fast asleep. She clucked to herself and wound Zack's alarm to ring in a minute before swooping up the sheets on the floor and folding them up.

By the time the alarm sounded again, Mrs. Fair wasn't around to take the blame and Cloud couldn't find it in himself to summon sleep again. He dragged himself out of the fluffy blanket and into the thick, warm air of a well heated room.

The night before, Zack had given him some old pajamas to wear to make up for his own lack of preparation, but Zack couldn't make up any more than that. Cloud couldn't go to school wearing Zack's clothes, for crying out loud, and so he had two options--stop by home to change before setting off to school or to wear yesterday's clothes.

Zack was out of the shower and strutting around the bedroom with a towel wrapped around his waist as he sifted through his closet for the day's clothes. "I don't think my clothes will fit you," he said earnestly, frowning at the clothes hanging across layered poles. He pulled out some new-looking jeans and held them out to Cloud. "These are new, so you don't have to get all pissy about other people knowing you are wearing my clothes, and I've got a belt in here somewhere."

Cloud narrowed his eyes at the hand holding the jeans. "I'm not wearing those jeans."

Zack lifted his eyes and searched the blond's face, only to roll his eyes. "Stop being a pain in the ass, and go take a shower while I figure out what you're going to wear today."

"You are _not _picking out my clothes for me. If I'm going to wear anything of yours, I'm going to pick it out myself." With that, Cloud picked himself out of bed and entered the bathroom and looked around sullenly. "Where're the towels?"

"Under the sink."

Sliding the door, Cloud gave him another dirty look as the door passed him and then he turned to take a shower. He'd never showered over at anyone else's house before. It felt strange to slip out of his clothes in someone else's bathroom, to step into someone else's shower, to use someone else's soap. Shampooing blond tresses, he sighed as the scent of Zack filled the shower. Great, he was using Zack's soap, Zack's shampoo and conditioner; he was going to _smell _like him.

As he finished showering, he stepped out and patted himself dry with the fluffy black towel he'd found in Zack's cabinets, and tried tying it around his waist. Staring in the mirror at his lean body, not scrawny or bony, but not full like Zack's own, he felt awkward and out of place. Finally, he undid the towel and put the pajamas back on. He couldn't go out there in a towel and stand there next to a body like the Big Z's!

He exited the bathroom to find a stack of clothes waiting for him on the neatly made bed. The new jeans, Zack's boxer's--which he _wasn't _going to wear--a bright red, long sleeved shirt that said Huzzah! on it, and a brown belt with an engraved Z on it. Great, he thought before opening the closet and looking through the cubbies in there for another belt. _I'll wear a rope as a belt if I have to, _he thought glumly_, just nothing that links me to Zack_.

By the time Cloud was dressed and wearing the Zackmeister belt, he was already ready to return to bed, but Zack intervened. He had just-toasted pop tarts wrapped in a napkin in his hands, which he held out to Cloud. "We're already late."

Cloud checked the clock dubiously. 7:15 am. "It's not even close to eight! We have plenty of time to get to school."

"We're not going to school, Cloud. I'm dedicated--"

Panic swelled up in his throat, nearly choking him. "But…I-I can't ditch another day!"

"It's not ditching if your mom calls in sick for you."

"But I'm not sick, and she's not calling in sick for me."

"You're going to call Basch and tell him your sick. And he'll tell your mom."

Cloud shook his head. "No." He hesitated. "We'll go after school."

"No, we're going now."

Zack shook the pop tarts in his outstretched hands. "C'mon, eat them so we can go. I doubt you'll want to eat them when we're on the bike."

"We're not going right now, and we're not even going on your bike."

The dark haired senior shook his head in dismay and thrust the pop tarts in his face. "Smell their chocolate-y goodness and the gooey marshmellows."

"I can't eat." Cloud looked away as bubbles erupted in his throat, threatening to flow up and out without further warning.

Zack withdrew. "You're just saying that. Just have some. I made them for you."

"Oh, such an honor." Cloud patted his stomach. "I have a stomach ache. I can't eat that."

The brilliant smile melted from Zack's face as seriousness washed over it. He tossed the pop tarts onto the desk and reached out with his hand to grip Cloud's shoulder. "It's gonna be O.K. You can do this. I promise."

Cloud nodded, doubting everything. It wasn't okay. He could feel the darkness creeping back up on him, but Zack's sudden smile blew it away. "I have an idea! Why don't we bring Roxas donuts?"

"Um…how 'bout not?"

"Why not?!"

_It's going to be hard enough as it is_, he thought. "Because…it's too much."

Zack squeezed his shoulder one last time before withdrawing. "It'll make it easier. I promise."

"You can't promise something like that," Cloud told him seriously and then he plopped down on the bed, buried his face in his hands.

"I can, and I will." Zack cleared his throat, puffing out his chest with a sly glint in those eyes blue-green eyes. "Now, get up and let's go."

It took a little more prodding and many more bargaining, but eventually he coaxed Cloud out of the bedroom and into the open garage, but they stopped short in front of Fenrir. As if he hadn't realized why they'd stopped, Cloud turned and promptly began walking out the door and down the street toward his house, his car.

"Your car doesn't work, Cloud," Zack reminded him earnestly. "Besides, I know you'll absolutely love my bike." He patted Fenrir lovingly and began to walk it down the driveway, only to stick it back on its stand while preparing for a fight.

Cloud spun around. "I also happen to know that it's a two hour drive to that…place and it's freezing out here and I'm not riding on the back of that unless the end of the world was chasing me out of Midgar."

"Um, you can ride in the front?" Zack offered hesitantly.

"That was beside the point."

"I'll tie you up and drive you down there, anyway!" he threatened.

Unable to reason that Zack would never be so ridiculous, Cloud narrowed his eyes. "I need a jacket. And you have to drive slow. Last time I thought my face would fall off."

"I wasn't even going the speed limit!" Zack pouted. "We'll…never…get…there," he added sullenly.

Cloud waited.

"All right, I'm gonna go upstairs and get ya something to wear. Something super warm."

"Like a leather jacket?"

"Uh, no." Zack laughed. "I'll be right back."

He dashed back in the house for the jacket, and while waiting, Cloud approached the shiny black bike as it glinted in the mist-veiled sun and ran his fingers across plush leather seat. Pressing his weight down to his hand in the leather, he tested its ability to keep him comfortable for the next two hours or more. It resisted him lazily, though, and he opted to straddle it, keep his legs firmly on each side but put his hands on the handle bars. Just for a feel, just a curiosity. Anything to keep his mind from their destination. If he was to share this day with anyone, it would have been Zack, and with Zack came certain chances, certain devoirs, responsibilities or lack thereof. He needed to just go with the flow when it came down to Zack.

As he was climbing onto the bike, he floundered as Zack exploded back outside carrying a orange sweater and sporting a wide, almost too happy grin. "Hey, hey, hey, are we ready?"

"No." Cloud scrambled off the bike in recoil as Zack approached him. He took the sweater, his mind coursing with dark threats, and then slipped it over his head.

"All right, so let's get a move on!" Zack straddled the bike and patted the handle bars impatiently. "Get on, get on, Cloud. Hold on tight. I'll go slow, I promise. For now, anyway."

Cloud rolled his eyes and climbed onto the back, he fumbled with the helmet and then ultimately fumbled with the decision to hold onto Zack or the small handle slightly beneath Zack's seat, but the older boy made the decision for him. He reached around and grabbed Cloud's hands and wrapped those lean arms around his waist firmly before pumping the bike to life.

As Zack maneuvered the bike down the driveway onto the street, Cloud buried his face into Zack's back. It made him dizzy to do this, but when it came down to being dizzy or feeling the icy air nipping at his face as Zack steadily increased the pace, dizziness won him over tenfold.

By the time that they were on the freeway and Zack was zipping between lanes and through cars--Cloud had never even seen cars from this view and they looked a bit frightened when you were only a few inches from they going eighty miles per hour--Cloud was holding onto Zack with all his might, but Zack didn't seem to mind no matter how tightly he held him.

He was going to kill Zack when they finally got off the bike.

An hour passed, and Cloud found that he could no longer find it in himself to keep so tense as he hadn't been flung off the bike yet, and so he began to relax against the older boy and in no time, he'd managed to doze off.

They pulled into the empty parking lot around ten as the morning chill began to wear off as the sun chased away the morning fog and burned brightly in the clear blue sky. Cloud started awake, shocked at himself for sleeping the entire way, and stared wide-eyed at the red brick hospital that stood proudly against the backdrop of greening hills, guarded by thick posts and a black iron gate.

Zack cut the engine abruptly with a content sigh and gazed around as if in shock that they'd made it without Cloud having attempted to jump off the bike and walk all the way back home. He concluded as he swung a leg over the side and got a good look at Cloud that he'd done some crying or at least some deep sulking because his content smile faded and was replaced by a somber frown and a softened gaze.

"Hey, Cloud…don't worry about it."

Cloud wiped the sleep out of his eyes and muttered, "I wasn't crying, dumb ass. I was _sleeping_."

"_On my bike_?"

Cloud scrambled off with a sigh. "That's what I said." At least he hadn't spent the entire ride imagining scenarios of what could happen when he walked into that room. Would Roxas--_oh, no, no, no, not that, don't start that, _he stopped himself.

Zack brushed it off with a smile. "Well, that's better than what I thought you'd be doing. Well, do you wanna get some donuts before we go in? There's a pink-box place over there," he told him gesturing widely to somewhere behind them.

"No, let's just get it over with."

"All right, how 'bout you go in and I go get the donuts? Or maybe it should be us both, since somebody's gonna need to hold them! Hmm."

"We're not getting donuts."

"You'll thank me later. Get back on."

There was no arguing with him when he set his mind to something, so Cloud returned to the back seat and sighed a relief as they left the parking lot to backtrack to where Zack thought he saw a donut place.

Zack was only satisfied with buying one of every single donut in the bakery, including the bear claw, which Cloud insisted upon solely because Roxas and he used to walk to the Winchell's Donuts down the street from them on bad days and would always fight over the last bear claw on busy days. It took a lot of energy to admit that much to himself, and so he had to stand still for a moment and remind himself that everything would turn out for the better in the end. He had to close his eyes tightly, hug himself, and take deep breaths like Basch used to tell him every Christmas when visiting Roxas. It worked well enough to get him back on the bike.

The hospital was far removed from the city from which it adopted its name. They had to drive through vast fields of plain green grass before the hills rose on the horizon and at its base stood the gated hospital. It seemed sleepy still, with only a few cars parked on the side in the private parking lot and no cars taking up the visitor's place. The windows appeared dark with no hint at what went on behind, and a cold chill rose up slowly but steadily from Cloud's toes up to the base of his spine as they came closer and closer to Roxas.

When Zack and Cloud were off the bike, Cloud stopped walking toward the glass doors to stare up at those darkened windows, as if, somehow, he could see Roxas staring down at him with cold, accusation-filled eyes. He trembled violently enough to capture Zack's attention.

"Cloud," he said evenly, "what exactly do you think is going to happen when he sees you? Do you think he's been playing stupid this long just to get you in there to yell at you? To tell you…what? That it's all your fault?"

Cloud didn't need to fully process the words. He nodded promptly. "Exactly that."

"He's not. You're using him as…" Zack paused to sort out his thoughts so they conveyed some kind of meaning to the blond when he voiced them. "You're using him as a…like…this is all your guilt. You make him your embodiment of your supposed guilt, but he's not saying any of that. That's you, only you. He loves you because he knows you and he knows." He hesitant with a frown. "Somehow, anyway."

"I can't see him," Cloud concluded as the pain in his stomach began to churn and grow.

Zack straightened up, his face hardened. "Why not?"

"There's no point," he reasoned.

The older boy lifted an eyebrow in question and waited for an explanation.

"There's no point," Cloud repeated. "Is seeing him going to bring him back to normal? Am I going to be forgiven? Will we talk it all over and conclude that it really wasn't a big deal after all? Nothing will change."

"_Everything _will change, Cloud!" Zack bounced the box of donuts in one hand as he clenched his other in that unquenchable passion that lingered within his spirit. "You need to see that it's not your fault, and that killing yourself won't make anything better. You need to see that he's still your brother--and he's still alive. There just--I mean--everything rests on Roxas! Everything will mend, I promise."

"That's a stupid thing promise. You can't be sure you're right."

Zack shrugged. "Fine. Let me reason for a second--"

"Oh, dear, don't--"

Zack growled. "Shut up, shut up. I'm serious. All right, so you've spent the past year or so ignoring his very existence, and it hasn't work out very well, has it?"

Cloud bristled. "Yes, it has. Up until Squall left."

"Right," Zack muttered, "you were a Zack Fair protégé before Squall left. Anyway, let's try something different. Go in there and see him. If that still doesn't work, then you can go through the rest of your life doing what you think is the safest, kay?"

"That sounds…reasonable, I guess," Cloud acquiesced grudgingly.

"Okay, good. Now, let's go." Zack offered his hand to Cloud, who studied the long, thin fingers, the massive palms, before taking them. He didn't protest when Zack reined him in close and pulled him along, nor did he protest when Zack led them inside to the receptionist and asked to see Roxas.

She told them his floor and room number after giving them temporary visitor's passes, which Cloud hardly noticed even when Zack pinned it on the orange sweater.

The darkness, the anxiety, the torment, they all pounced on him at once, practically immobilizing him. He tried slowing his breathing, slowly and deeply inhaling the thick air and clearing his mind. It never worked, of course, but he willed it to work this time.

He entrusted Zack with everything. He kept his eyes closed tightly as he squeeze Zack's hand as tightly as he could, extracting as much warmth and encouragement as he could through that touch. He tried to think about what Zack had said, that he would just try it out, and if nothing changed he wouldn't have to do it again.

He ran the idea over and over in his head that Roxas wasn't the problem; the problem was his own, and so he shouldn't have been frightened of Roxas at all. That it would be just seeing Roxas as he sat at the window and making small talk with him, nothing any more difficult than coming up with responses when speaking to Tifa on one of her pensive days.

He refused to think about how encounters with Roxas used to be, about how the bed in his room was now always empty and would always be so, about how much he'd looked up to Roxas despite his being older, about that night, about his own guilt, about what this day might end up like.

Roxas's room had a label on it in the shape of a space ship, and had bold letters spelling out Shera across the surface with small italics below it naming him. Zack didn't allow a second of hesitation, didn't give Cloud a moment to turn back. He knocked softly and then opened the door even though no one had told him to enter yet.

Zack ushered him in and then shut the door behind them. When they were both met with more silence, Cloud deigned to open his eyes.

Roxas looked like he normally did, with unruly blond hair and big, cobalt blue eyes that reflected Cloud's very own gaze. His skin was pale like Cloud's, though, when it used to be a perfect sun-kissed tan, and he was slightly more meaty than he'd been under Cloud's careful running regimens in which he'd always dragged Roxas. And he was peering up at the two of them curiously from his chair at the window.

A lump caught in Cloud's throat, drying his mouth as if it'd been stuffed with cotton balls, and he had to remind himself to breathe. After a moment of a dead pan silence, he half turned to Zack for a starter. But Zack said nothing, just nodded to the boy at the window.

Cloud cleared his throat, stepping forward a step, his mind blank. Roxas tilted his head to one side as his eyes roved Cloud's face, and Cloud stepped back as if expected his brother to lash out suddenly. Zack coughed slightly and held out the box of donuts to Cloud, who gingerly took it.

Clearing his throat once more, he held out the pink box as if offering a bone to a rabid dog. "I, uh, I brought you some…uh, donuts, R-Roxas."

Roxas blinked.

"It's me, Cloud. Your brother. Do you remember me?" Cloud took a slow step to him, still keeping the pink box in between the two of them.

"Cloud?" The voice sent shivers down Cloud's spine. It was weak and rough at the same time, sad and confused, childish with the faintest hint of manhood's tenor seeping through. And he had to make a serious effort to pronounce it, as if he was speaking a foreign word.

_You did this to me, _he could almost hear that voice scream. _You made me like this, weak and forever a child. I don't deserve this!_

Cloud took a few more deep breaths. "Yes, Cloud. Your brother."

"Cloud." Roxas looked away toward the glass in the window. Cloud paused and was about to glance at Zack for explanation, but Roxas turned back suddenly with a grin. "Cloud! You finally came to see me!" The words were garbled and nearly incoherent.

Tears blurred Cloud's vision as he came to Roxas's side. He was in the process of kneeling beside the chair when Roxas jerked forward, knocking the box out of his hands, and throwing his arms around Cloud and nearly knocking them both over.

"I have lots to show you!" he told Cloud proudly, squeezing him tightly.

Cloud could only manage to returned to the embrace. He couldn't do anything other than that because the lump in his throat seemed to block all air and his eyes were too blurred to help him see anything, but Roxas jerked away from him to cross the room and dig through his desk for something.

He could feel Zack's penetrating gaze fall on him from across the room, but he refused to look at him.

Roxas pulled out a sheet of paper and waved it in front of Cloud's face. Cloud wiped his eyes with his sleeve and tried to focus on the drawing. It was, roughly, him and Roxas. Roxas launched into an inchoate speech, in which Cloud had to grab onto the most coherent words and try to rebuild the sentences so he could get them, but that caused a wave of guilt to crash over him and dampen his mood.

Here he was, perfectly fine, and there was Roxas, his younger brother, his best friend, the one who had every right to be healthy and happy and normal--he couldn't even speak correctly. This was all Cloud's fault. He could have prevented it. He could have cared more. He could have spoken to Roxas, hugged him, loved him. And then he would still be sleeping in his bed at home across the room from Cloud with the street lamp pouring into their bedroom as they chattered to one another about their day. It wasn't fair.

It damn well wasn't fair!

"I'm sorry, Roxas," he blundered without thinking. "It's all my fault. I'm so sorry. I--I could've done something more, but I didn't, and now you're…now you're…do you even know what I'm _talking _about?"

Roxas shrugged. "Miss Cura," he started slowly and carefully annunciating every syllable, "says you cannot let what happened yesterday affect what happens tomorrow. Yesterday, today, tomorrow, another day, they are all separate days. Are you sad about what happened yesterday?"

Cloud, still on his knees on the floor, looked up into those blue, blue eyes and for a moment, he saw the intelligence of the brother he remembered flash from behind that gaze, and he knew that somewhere deep down, Roxas knew just exactly what they were talking about.

"I am," he replied.

"But I still love you." Roxas kneeled beside Cloud and threw his arms around him for another embrace.

As Cloud and Zack were leaving later on that afternoon, Cloud felt the weight on his shoulders dissipate, felt the darkness that coiled around his spirit withdraw, and he smiled at Zack. "Maybe those donuts were a good way to begin, even if he never ended up eating any."

"I know," Zack replied with a grin. "So does it feel like yesterday, today or tomorrow to you?" he asked jokingly.

Cloud smiled up at him. "I think it feels like another day."

/ - / - / - / - / - /

**Author's Note: **I hope that there aren't too many grammatical errors distracting you from the main part of this chapter. I also hope that I didn't let you, my readers down, with Roxas and Cloud's encounter. It could have been more detailed, I suppose, but it really didn't need to be, I think. I was going to add something else at the end, but I'll leave it for next chapter :P

So, what do you think of _that_?


	17. Chapter 17: In a Word

**What They Leave Behind**

**Chapter 17**

_In a Word_

Nothing bothered him. It was true. Nothing did. Not even that smug smile that Zack plastered to his own face, the wordless "I told you so" banner that loomed before him, nor the fact that the afternoon was considerably warmer than it was yesterday. He let Zack have his moment of pride and the day a moment of leering. He felt as if he was as light as a cloud after which he was named, and it _felt _good.

So _why _couldn't it have just stayed?

It did linger long enough to get Cloud and Zack through a meal. Once they had exited the hospital, Zack wanted a big hug for no apparent reason and somewhere along the prolonged embrace, Cloud's stomach growled for food, reminding them both that Cloud had refused to eat anything that morning.

The fact that it hadn't occurred to him for hours that he hadn't eaten since…well, yesterday afternoon astonished him, but since it hadn't grabbed much of his attention, he expected his calmness to last until they returned to Midgar.

Zack, on the other hand, had a different idea. "Let me take you out to breakfast."

"It's more like lunchtime," Cloud informed him lightly, gazing around the filled parking lot. He wondered if these were all visitors of the people living inside, and how often they came. _More often than I did, _he thought guiltily, but he shrugged off the thought as quickly as possible. He wanted to ride out this wave of happiness a little longer.

"Whatever. I'm sure we can find a place around here that serves breakfast all day." Zack puffed up his chest a little more, his inflated ego threatening to explode, and for the first time, Cloud didn't think of a way to pop it. Instead, he chose to let Zack feel just as good as he did.

"Let's just get back to Midgar. We'll go somewhere around there."

"Are you sure you can wait that long? Cuz I'm kinda hungry right now, and _I_ ate this morning."

"I can handle it." Cloud smiled. "We're not _all _babies."

"H-hey!" Zack scratched his head. "I don't like being insulted. After _all _I've done for you these past…well, for a while now."

"Let's just go," Cloud told him. "I'd like to go home now more than anything."

Zack didn't argue. "Okay, let's go!"

They climbed on the bike as they had in the beginning, and Cloud grabbed onto Zack's waist tightly, preparing himself for another long, windy drive back home. Zack pulled out of the parking lot without any more words and left Cloud to sort out his thoughts, which, for once, were very few.

But Cloud wasn't content being content. _Why _did just talking to Roxas make him feel so relieved? Nothing had really gotten resolved; Roxas was still damaged goods. But Roxas knew more than he let on; Cloud could just feel it. Roxas didn't hate him, didn't blame him. And he was right, after all; Cloud just needed to let it go. There was nothing he could to about it now except try to make things better. Being unhappy himself wasn't going to make Roxas any better. Of course, neither would being happy, but he could at least make Roxas happy by being happy himself, he reasoned sincerely. What else could he do?

There was only tomorrow to deal with. And what did tomorrow bring? More uncertainty. Zack was still Zack, Squall was coming home, and he'd ditched Lulu when he swore they'd do something after school. Now, she either felt betrayed or worried. But she'd understand, he knew she would because she always did.

He leaned into the curve of Zack's spine with a sigh. So this didn't solve really any of his problems, but he felt a new strength arise in him where he felt as if he could deal with it all. He just had to face it all head on. There were still worries, still concerns, questions. What did this mean to Zack? And how would Squall deal with his conflicting affections? It might not end well. But sometimes the ends opened up something new. And sometimes the new was better, right?

The drive back to Midgar took forever, but Zack must have been starving because he drove faster, weaving in and out of lanes and flying between massive cars. Cloud watched the world fly by him, his thoughts full but not heavy, and enjoyed the cool breeze as it enveloped them with each pace Zack set.

As they pulled off the freeway onto the dead streets of Midgar, Cloud shook himself to full awareness. It had been a long day, despite the time constraints, and he felt fulfilled for the first time in a very, very long period. Breathing in and out felt, as it should, just like breathing in and out instead of forcing air in and out of rebelling lungs. And he liked that feeling the most, the freedom, the easiness of everything as it came to him.

Zack eased the bike to a standstill as they came to Cloud's house and planted his feet firmly on the ground to hold it steady, and Cloud looked up at his house, his window dark against the solid blue sky, mirroring the sporadic clouds as they drifted by. Cloud studied his house, heather and dirty looming before him, and wondered why he'd never noticed how gloomy it was, how sad it was. The grass wasn't entirely dead, but nor was it vibrant. The curtains were drawn, except from his bedroom, and the walls were plain, the front door white with nothing spectacularly decorative about it.

Between his mother's work and her disappearing acts, she never seemed to have much time to keep the house the warmest on the street, he thought. Basch and he handled the chores outside the home when the seasons demanded their attention, but his mother only kept the house inhabitable, the kitchen full. He wondered how much he'd missed while he was down under the surface of his life.

Zack stirred, most likely uncomfortable with the drawn out silence. "So do you need something or do you want to just go straight to Frizzie's Place?" he wanted to know.

He had wanted to come home for a minute, but he couldn't find it in himself as to why. Before he could shrug off the ominous feeling the settled across his shoulders at the sight of his house, the front door popped open and Basch came out onto the porch. He stepped only twice away the door, not coming any closer to Zack's bike. Instead he held his hand up, shielding his eyes from the sun's rays and waited, no other acknowledgement necessary.

Zack did as Basch silently bid, and kicked the stand out to hold up the bike as he climbed off it and shuffled to his friend. He greeted Basch as energetically as he always did, flashing a brilliant grin and finding some way to instill his brotherly affections into his greeting by tapping him on the shoulder. It would have been odd if he'd hugged him, like Zack often did to Cloud.

Cloud was slower to follow, but he did it, knowing that there was really no reason not to. Basch had lied to their mother this morning, giving him the opportunity to see Roxas, and so he felt compelled to go up there and say hi, at the very least. So he stepped off Fenrir and carefully picked his way across the weedy grass to the front porch.

"So, how'd it go?"

Cloud wanted to say it was a private feeling, something he wasn't inclined to share with anyone else. He wanted to tell Basch that nothing was any different than it ever was. But he couldn't go that far. Instead, he said, "I didn't realize how much I'd missed him."

Basch merely nodded. "Sometimes it's hard to see when it's happening to you." He reached out for a hug, and Cloud let him draw him in. It was a nice, short little show of affection, and it lasted a second before Basch pulled away and said something about Seifer wanting to check out Reno's birthday party.

"_That's _today?" Zack gaped. "I swear I had another week."

Basch shrugged. "That's what I thought, but Seifer keeps insisting that it's today. And he's dying to see what Reno is going to do. He won't shut up."

Zack chuckled and then said to Cloud, "It's Seifer's new obsession."

"What? Reno?" Cloud wanted to roll his eyes.

"Yeah, pretty much ever since Reno announced it a few weeks ago. It's gonna be sweet." Then he frowned. "I was going to spend the rest of the day watching over Cloudy, but maybe you'll just have to come with us?"

"I'm not going to spend my night at Reno's party watching people get drunk and throwing up."

His response seemed to appease some of Basch's worries, because his frown lessened. "Yeah, you have work to catch up on, anyway. I got all of your classwork and homework from your teachers today."

Cloud groaned. "On second thought, I'll come with."

"Awesome!" Zack exclaimed before Basch had a chance to argue. "Reno's parties are always frickin fun and he promised this party is the best. It's his seventeenth birthday, and you know he's making up for the disaster last year." He looked over to Basch with a devilish grin. "Excellent. It'll be fun. Now let's go get some grub!"

Basch straightened his shoulders and stood up taller, his face blank. Although he most likely wasn't intending it, he carried an air that reflected his imposing nature and shook his head. "All right, I'll leave you all to it. But Cloud can't be seen around here wearing your belt." He nudged Cloud through the front door. "Get changed."

Cloud didn't protest. Instead, he ascended the stairs and crossed the hall to his own bedroom, dark and sinister as the front yard. The sun bound in through the open window, casting his room in a battleground of clashing gold and gray colors as they washed his gray-blue carpet and grey-swashed walls. He had to stand in the doorframe for a few minutes to absorb to the fullest extent what he was seeing, almost a mirrored reality playing out before his very own jaded eyes. And then he opened up his dresser to change.

Once he was wearing his own underwear, his own shirt, his own socks, and his own belt, having kept Zack's jeans and sweater for comfort, he raced back downstairs, where Zack was already sorting through the fridge. "We're getting Frizzie's," he told the senior.

Basch was at the table, his feet up on an adjacent chair, and was looking through the new cut-up newspapers littered across the surface. "I have to work on my current events paper right now. Bring me back something," he murmured, waving a ten-dollar bill in the air.

"Only if you're paying for me, too."

"_I'm_ paying for you," Zack reminded him, pouting. "I want to personally congratulate you for doing--"

"Let's not get all teary-eyed in my mom's kitchen," Cloud told him airily, snatching the bill out of Basch's hand. "What do you want? Just a burger?"

"Yep. You could also stop by the drug store and buy me a soda, since Seifer and Zack seemed to have inhaled them."

Cloud shrugged. "Whatever." Nudging Zack, he added, "Let's go already. I'm starving. _And_ I'm driving." He waved his keys front of Zack's gleaming eyes.

Outside, Cloud studied his old car, debating whether that was truly a good idea to take it, especially since Seifer hadn't looked at it, neither had Basch yet, but it _had_ worked after that, and Zack, while his knowledge was considerably limited, knew _something_ about cars. He rattled the keys when Zack just stood there. "Um, get in," he told him, rolling his eyes.

"Lemme drive."

"Uh, no."

"I'm older."

"And it's _my_ car!"

"I've been driving longer. _And_ I'm paying for your lunch."

Cloud caved in. "All right." He tossed the keys to Zack and skirted the hood of the car to the passenger seat.

Zack settled into the driver's seat, not even bothering to attempt to adjust the seat to accommodate his long legs, and turned the engine with a grin. "A man always drives; learn that now," he teased.

Cloud grunted. "I'm going to be the better _man_ and not take offense to that. But for argument's sake, out of the two of us, I'd say I'd made more manly decisions that you have lately."

Zack sat up straight as he flung the car out of the driveway and onto the street, straighting it up and pointing it to the main road. "Oh, I can win this argument easily. Who has a job? Who has a football career?"

"Football career. High school varsity _hardly_ counts as a career!" Cloud scoffed.

"And who owns a _certain_ sexual prowess?"

Cloud laughed and shook his head, acknowledging the strangest good-feeling sentiment seep into his consciousness. Was this what it meant to be normal? "From what I've seen, you're just as awkward has a thirteen year old boy and an old sock."

"_Au contraire_, young grasshopper, just ask Aerith. The Zackinator has skills you could only dream about."

"A hundred bucks says Aerith is still a virgin."

Zack denied it with only a shake of his head. "You can't make bets on ladies, Cloud. You should know better!"

Cloud paused. "Are _you_ a virgin?" He couldn't keep the laughter out of his voice, though he tried.

Zack coughed and looked repeatedly into his rearview mirror. "Why would you think that? I'm Zack, Zack Fair, the Fairest of them all. You can't honestly think..."

"I can, and I do." Cloud turned in his seat with the smuggest expression he could muster. "Zack Fair is a virgin? Tell me I'm imagining this!"

Zack shifted uncomfortably. "Kinda,_ but not really_," he added quickly. "I'm mean, I've done stuff."

Cloud burst into laughter as he leaned back in his seat. "Unbelievable. Does Seifer know?"

"Seifer can't know. Hey, hey, this is between you and me, okay? Our secret?"

"All right. Who else am I gonna tell, anyway? It's not like I'm on the football team or anything."

As Zack pulled into the plaza where Frizzie's, a more popular establishment for high schoolers to hang out, was located, he got an idea. "Hey, why don't...okay, I know I said I wouldn't bug you about it, but why don't you talk to Valentine or something? About track? He knows it's been on hard on you, so I'm sure he'll let you back on the team."

Once the car was parked, Cloud opened the door. It seemed like this morning was open with so many different possibilities, but now that he stood outside his comfort zone, he wondered just how much of these "changes" he was going to make, and it he made plans to see Valentine tomorrow at school, would he really go through with them? Honestly? He didn't know how he'd feel when he laid his head down on his pillow tonight and stared across the room at Roxas's empty bed. Or how he'd feel when he opened his eyes in the morning to the same scene. He didn't want this high to end. Ever.

"I don't know," he decided. But before Zack could protest, he said, "But I _will_ think about it."

Frizzie's was a small, crowded place with only a few assorted tables and a variety of pinball machines and one ping pong table. Stools lined the red-topped counter where Rinoa, Seifer's ex or maybe they were still dating, he was sure, was bustling around the older patrons who filled up the stools.

Cloud had felt as if he'd stepped out of his world and into a Martian one. The people looked different from the normal Street Corner Cafe, they wore different clothes, different attitudes. Where the Street Corner Cafe had minimal patrons, Frizzie's was full of bustling life, and for a split second, Cloud wished there were no available booths, but then Aerith, dressed in the pink waitressing outfit, approached them with a smile. "There's a table in the back a little. It's free and I know how much Cloud hates being in a big crowd."

"Thanks, Aerith," Cloud muttered, suddenly brimming full with unnamed guilt.

"Hey, I'll get you some drinks. Whaddya want?"

Cloud and Zack both agreed on chocolate shakes before seating themselves off in the back corner. The din wasn't quite as troublesome here; Cloud could actually hear his own thoughts, and when they were clear he looked up across the table at Zack, who's expression puzzled him.

Zack's head was tilted to the side, his eyes completely calm as he studied Cloud's face.

"What?"

"I don't know, but I you look so happy even though it's obvious you're uncomfortable. It's cute. And it makes me so happy because it was all my doing."

"Oh, please."

"You know it's true."

And that ended their conversation. Zack was happily thinking to himself, probably planning insane things for Cloud to do he wouldn't do, depressed or not, and Cloud sat across the table from him soaking up the feeling of friendship. It had crept up on him in the most unexpected way, for the most unexpected reasons, the most unexpected sources. Zack had always been Zack, just as Basch had always been Basch, Seifer always Seifer, and Squall, Squall. But somewhere along the line, Cloud had opened his eyes, had seen that Zack wasn't just the lurker in his house who conspired with the evil Seifer to torment him for the rest of eternity with more imagination than Satan himself. He saw Zack as someone cared so much he'd do just about anything to help those people who needed it. What wasn't to like about someone who loved unconditionally?

Squall, now Squall had never given so much. Had never glowed the way Zack did when helping someone. As he stared across the table, his arms forming a triangle around his shake Aerith had placed in front of him with a wink, he wondered what he felt for Squall. Squall had allowed him to traverse the same road, passing the same landmarks over and over again, digging himself deeper and deeper into an immobile rut. Squall, his best friend...his _lover,_ permitted this depression to prolong.

How often had he and Squall even discussed Roxas? He'd _never_ spoken to anyone about Roxas, except a handful of times with Basch in very clipped and short phrases. And here Zack came along because he'd noticed tears in his eyes that fateful day when Squall had left. Zack noticed the difference in him and kept coming at him, offering his help over and over and over and over again. He never gave up because he truly wanted Cloud's world to clear up. And seeing someone else happy made him happy, too. How many people had Cloud had in his life who could wrap themselves so tightly around someone else's life that they could possess the intense emotions of that other person?

And sure sometimes Zack was loud and obnoxious, blunt with the tiniest bit of cluelessness, and sometimes he came off as very intense in his emotions, but, for some strange reason, that was what made Zack who he was. And Cloud realized, in that moment, that Zack was good for him. He wasn't quite sure what that meant, but he knew that he need Zack—because no one _like_ Zack would do—in his life, in some way. He needed Zack to remind him what was fun and what was important.

"Not to disturb your intense conversation, but I thought now as good as any time to get your orders. What can I get you?"

Cloud blinked back to reality, staring at the placid, sunkissed face of the boy staring back at him, he finally said, "Actually, I'm not hungry. I think I'm gonna go." He scooted out of the booth and gathered his sweater, avoiding both of their gazes.

Finally, Zack stood up. "Hey, um, here's like ten bucks to pay for the shakes. I'm gonna go with Cloud." He handed her the ten and squeezed her shoulder before she could suggest she could cover the bill.

Zack followed Cloud out and grabbed his elbow to swing the slighter boy around. "Hey, wait up. I've got your keys, remember?"

Cloud shook his head. "I don't mind walking home. It's a short distance."

Zack huffed. "Do you really think I'm going to let you walk home when I'm standing here with your car keys?"

Cloud shrugged, staring at his feet.

"I don't understand what's gotten into you. I thought you were all happy and stuff. I mean, okay, I knew you hated Frizzie's cuz it's different, but we didn't have to eat there. Look, the Street Corner Cafe—"

"--no, it's not that."

"Then what is it? I thought you were hungry."

_It's so many things,_ he thought, daring to peer up at Zack's face. _It's all this confusion about you. I like you. I don't know how or why or what exactly it is I feel, but I like you. And I need you in my life as a friend or a brother or anything else, but...I'm scared. Will you leave me, too?_

Zack lifted an eyebrow in question. "Did you say something? Cuz I didn't hear it," he added with a forced chuckle.

Cloud took a deep breath. "We're not friends."

Zack took a step back. "Don't do this, Cloud. Just...please. You are working so hard...just don't push me away."

"No, I...thanks for taking me to see Roxas this morning. It means a lot to me. But that doesn't mean we're friends."

The older boy lunged forward and grabbed his shoulders with a firm grip and shook him near violently. "Cloud, look me in the eyes and say we're not friends."

Cloud paused and closed his eyes, gathering every bit of energy he could manage at one time. And then he looked up to match Zack's gaze and said, "We're not friends."

But Zack refused to let him out of his hands. "Then fine, I'm not your friend, but you're _my_ friend. I care about you so much. I want you to be happy, so you can walk away from me right now, but I'm going to drive your car back home and I'm going to keep coming to visit you because I want you to feel better."

"If you really want me to feel better, then stay away from me."

"Oh, cuz that really worked for you before," Zack snapped.

Cloud couldn't help the reflexive wince at the sharp tone, and then he broke down. Glaring at his sneakers, he tried to hold back a reservoir of tears, and Zack's grip suddenly softened as he edged closer to the blond. "You have made things easier. I mean, it hurts going through all this, doing some soul-cleaning, but it was easier with you because I can't help but trusting you. But...whenever I find someone I can trust and rely on and I let them in, they leave. And I'm at a point where I just can't take another loss right now, especially not you because...you've been the best friend I've ever had these past few months and I didn't really get that until right now. You'll be the hardest to lose."

It was then that warm, strong arms coiled around him, squeezing him into a tight embrace. "You insult me! Look, I'm not going anywhere. Not ever. I'll keep coming back even if you point a gun at me," he added with a smile in his voice, "which you've pretty much been doing this whole time."

Cloud smiled through his tears as he buried his face against Zack's firm chest.

"Now look, I'm going to drive us back home and then we can talk in your room or something. I want you to tell me everything that's bugging you and then we'll figure something out. You were happy earlier, and I want you to feel that way again. And facing your problem head on worked last time, didn't it?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Okay, good, then let's go back to your place," Zack said, pulling away. He looked away toward Cloud's car to give the blond a few seconds to wipe the tears off his face in privacy, and then he slung his arm across Cloud's shoulder as they walked to the car.

"Um, actually, I don't want to go home right now."

"Any place you have in mind?"

"Your place? And can I stay there tonight, too?"

"Hm, that depends."

Cloud frowned. "On what?"

"Are we friends?"

"I guess I can't get rid of you, can I?"

Zack grinned. "Good." Pulling Cloud closer, he bent down to kiss him on the forehead, and Cloud shuddered involuntarily, but whether Zack noticed or not was lost on the blond.

* * *

**Author's Note:** hmm, I'm not really sure what to think about this chapter. I'm not disappointed with how it turned out, but I did have a different way to end the chapter in mind when I began it, but I'm eager to post this, so the part I wanted to stick at the end will just have to go to the beginning of Chapter 18. It fits anyway, so no worries.

So terribly sorry about the long wait. I can't make promises, but I'm setting goals so I can eventually finish this story.

In case I don't post the next chapter until next year, happy holidays!


	18. Chapter 18: Time in Its Endless

**Author's Note: **it's rated _mature_ for a REASON, and I'm pulling out that card right now. Graphic stuff, but nothing _too_ graphic. Also, prepare for some serious drama and sappiness. And it's from _Zack's point of view_!

**What They Leave Behind**

**Chapter 18**

_Time in Its Endless Possibilities_

Mom bustled around the kitchen to whip them up peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches to appease their growling stomaches. She asked Cloud politely how he enjoyed seeing his brother and added to Zack on the side, "Roxas would have been there after school, too."

Cloud deflected the question as Zack suspected he would and soon they were on their way upstairs.

Zack sat on his bed and gobbled the food down without a second thought of what Cloud was doing. The blond, however, stepped into the warmth of the room in a sudden daze. He shut the door and sat on the shag carpet, placing the plate with the sandwich beside him. Shortly after Zack finished his own lunch, he bounced off the bed onto the floor with a contented smile, which quickly faded to a scowl. "You're not eating," he accused.

"I can't."

Zack studied the blond, his face and his cobalt blue eyes, his carefully laced hands across his lap. He looked so tired, so far away. Today had started out so happy for him. Why couldn't it ever stay that way? What engraved itself so much within him that it pulled him back into the hole every time he clambered out? Something deep inside the pit of Zack's stomach demanded he do whatever it took to make him smile, because, after all, Cloud had a wonderful smile when he chose to show it.

Zack, himself, had a good smile, but he'd openly smiled ever since he was born. Cloud was a natural. But he was also a natural at frown, Zack thought as he examined the wrinkles folding across Cloud face, the eyelids drooping.

He placed a hand warily on Cloud's shoulder. "Hey, tell me whatever's on your mind. Cuz I'm here to listen and I'm not going anywhere and I want more than anything to help you. So just start voicing everything."

Cloud shook his head, staring down at his hands. "I don't know. There's nothing really specific. I guess it's sort of like...you know, I've never ever been as happy as I was today...and when you realize how happy you can be and you fall back down to where you were before...I don't know, it _feels_ worse."

"Is it Roxas?" Zack had to remember to keep his voice neutral. It was hard when he just wanted to grab the slighter boy and shake him and yell at him until he understands that everything will be okay!

"Yes...no, I don't know. It's you, Roxas, I dunno. Everything. Do you and Basch talk like this? You and Seifer?" he asked, momentarily meeting Zack's gaze.

"Well, I can be serious when circumstance calls. Basch...we're all like family, Cloud. We can talk about anything if the time's right." He leaned back into the side of his bed with a nostalgic expression posted across his face, staring off at the ceiling of his room without actually seeing it. "Seifer couldn't wait to tell us about jacking off...or how to have sex. I mean, when he—"

"--I'm thinking more along the lines of serious stuff."

"That is serious. Hey," he said, finally dropping his hand from Cloud's shoulder, "you know Rufus Shinra? Well, when Basch and I were kids, he told us about sex, and well...that didn't go so well."

Cloud narrowed his eyes, as if annoyed.

Zack chuckled. "Yeah, so Seifer cleared that up pretty quickly. My point is, we talk about important things. We share our knowledge."

"But do you share your feelings?" Cloud asked, shaking off the last visages of a child Rufus.

"Well, yeah, we're best friends."

"I mean, has Seifer ever told you about his parents? Or has he ever told you he wanted to be adopted or what? I mean, does it get personal between you guys like between you and me?"

Zack had to think about it. He'd known Seifer and Basch since...well, since forever. He couldn't remember a time when they hadn't banded together and caused mayhem and turned around and kissed their teachers' asses. There were some things that he knew about Basch, that he knew about Seifer, but not because they'd said it...just because he read in between the lines. He saw the flash of pain behind their eyes. He saw the near-invisible cringes and...well, hell, he'd even seen Seifer and Basch cry once, separately, of course. Seifer cried when the parents he'd truly believed were his adopted that stupid Zell Dincht. Basch had cried when they hospitalized Roxas.

"I want to say what we have is different," Zack finally replied softly. "I've known them forever. I've learned to read their moods, seen their likes and dislikes, heard what they really meant to say only because I _know_ them. You and me...I always saw you—you were Basch's little brother, Roxas's best friend, but I had a different idea about you. I thought...I thought you were happy and strong and unafraid and smart and you knew what you wanted out of life and you were headstrong and you'd do whatever it took to get it and... you know, I always interpreted your smart-ass remarks as ways of warding us off your territory because you truly were annoyed by us. But I never really took the time to know you until now.

"And you're different. But I haven't seen every aspect of your life, so I have a harder time seeing everything you're not saying. That's why I want you to talk to me. I want to catch up on all that stuff." He flashed a grin. "I think I do a fairly good job, though."

Cloud cracked a sliver of a smile. "You'd like to think so, wouldn't you?"

There was a long pause that made Zack squirm. He didn't want to disrupt Cloud's thoughts, but he just couldn't stand sitting still, so he stood up and bustled around the room, straightening things up from the mess he'd made earlier trying to find an outfit fitting for Cloud Strife.

Gnawing on his bottom lip intensely, Cloud remained immersed deep in his thoughts, following Zack with his gaze absently, until Zack finally opened the window. A whoosh of cool air swept into the room, carrying a green leaf and a feather in from the tree in front of it. Zack stood there at the window sill, looking down at the street below, trying to sort out ways to help Cloud.

The rising chill prompted Cloud to speak again. "Why do you care so much? Basch is my brother, so I know he cares. But why you?"

Zack half turned, the breeze ruffling his dark hair. "I have no idea. I cared at first cuz I thought of you like a brother or a little brother of a brother or something. I saw you crying and I...I felt I had to do something." Sure, there was the Roxas thing that played a part. People could have prevented _that_ if they'd just paid attention to the tears in his eyes. Thinking that thought, Zack felt a gut-wrenching twist pang him and reverberate thought out his bones. Yes, that helped him chase after Cloud, too.

"And now I've seen parts of you that...I like. I'm frankly attracted to you. I like you. I think you're adorable when you feel good and aren't thinking about others. I think you're cute when you smile. I think you're funny and we have some really good times. I think you'd be a good friend at the very least to have. So I want you."

Cloud hesitated before stating simply, "What would you say if I told you I liked you, too?"

Zack beamed, his heart swelling. "Nothing. It's just how you and I feel. Cloud, I don't know what we are, but I do know that you are now a big part of my life and something keeps driving me to make you happy because I...I keep needing to see you smile. It's like an obsession."

"I need you in my life, too," Cloud murmured. "Just don't fuck it up."

"No worries. Zack stays for life."

Cloud looked up into his face. "Does it come across as at all weird when you refer to yourself in third person?"

"Hey, don't hate on the Zack, all right? He just admitted he cares for you, so you can't go and rain on his parade, you hear?"

Cloud rolled his eyes. "You have serious issues."

"Let's not start rolling out the list of _your_ issues."

"I'm sure yours beats mine any day."

Zack pouted with his best puppy dog look, thrusting out his bottom lip. "So I talk in third person...I love walks in the rain...I can run when it suits me...I adore watching the dawn break on the beach...what's so wrong with that? You know, a lot of women would find that irrevocably attractive."

"Are you even sure what irrevocably means?"

"There you go again with the hating. Besides, I may not know what it means, but I happen to know that it fits because it's been used in a similar sentence."

Zack had to join in with Cloud's laughter at his own ridiculous argument, and he felt good doing it. He knew that all Cloud needed was to know that he wasn't alone in the universe, that someone would grieve if something happened to him, that someone would stand beside him at all costs, share in his pain and bask in his pleasures. What he didn't know was how many times he needed to assert that in order to appease Cloud.

Zack grinned. "This is what I long to see," he told him. "Cloud being happy."

"Well, if that's all it takes to keep Zack's world in a balance, then all you need to do is kiss me again."

At first, Zack figured Cloud was kidding, but staring into those deep, intoxicating eyes that no longer sparkled with devilish impishness, he could detect no jest behind his words. Cloud waited, his lightly colored cheeks flushing ever so slightly, but he did not tear his eyes away from Zack's gaze in shame. He simply waited for Zack to respond in any way that was normal for him.

And he did.

He crouched low, eye-level to Cloud, and leaned in to plant a kiss on his lips. It was just as chaste as the kiss on the beach, merely pressing his lips to Cloud's own dark red lips, but there was a response this time that hadn't occurred before; Cloud returned the favor with a stronger kiss.

Hormones kicked just about the time Zack swooped Cloud up in his arms and kissed harder, more forcefully. He wanted everything Cloud could offer in that moment as he licked Cloud's lower lip and tasted the purity of the blond. With a sigh, Cloud wrapped his arms around Zack's neck, pushing himself into him with the force only someone like Cloud could muster.

Breathing in his scent, Zack nibbled at the corner of the blond's mouth teasingly, tugging and sucking at it until it swelled in exhaustion, bruised and sensitive. Cloud didn't seem to mind. Opening his mouth, he invited Zack's tongue to plunge inside, meet him halfway.

Drowning in waves of Cloud, in a torrent of emotion and sensuality, Zack didn't register entirely what was happening. He knew it felt good and he knew he wanted it, and he went in for the gold. They touch and kissed and folded themselves against in each other in a flurry of sighs until Zack pulled away.

"Bed?"

Cloud, whose eyelids were half closed and cheeks a deep shade of crimson, nodded faintly.

Zack resisted the urge to run his tongue over his lips for the lingering taste of Cloud and instead nudged him. "C'mon."

He tightened his arms around Cloud's waist and held him close, only to have Cloud follow suit and tighten his own coiling arms. Without encountering any protests, he hoisted Cloud up until the bed and pressed his weight onto him as he sprawled out on top.

Their foreheads touching, the air around them mingling and melding into an atmosphere of lust, they stayed like that until Cloud questioned, "Can we…do that again?"

Zack grinned. _He_ could do it all day, but he wondered if Cloud could keep up.

"Touch me," he ordered, unmoving. Cloud obediently did what he was told. Without direction, though, he lifted a hand and brushed it against Zack's neck. Zack didn't move, his heart fluttering in his chest.

Cloud leaned forward and kissed his neckline and traced it to Zack's Adam's apple with his lips.

Zack pulled Cloud's chin up, so Cloud was securely looking up at him, and attacked his lips, full force. Again, Cloud wrapped his arms around Zack's neck and pushed himself into a washboard stomach. Zack fisted blond locks with one hand and brought his other hand down Cloud's back. Each kiss chipped away layers and layers of Cloud's shell and soon Cloud was reaching for too much.

He drew back the waistline of Zack's sweats down and reached inside to stroke the engorged member. Zack couldn't suppress the groan of pleasure or the convulsion that wracked his body as it responded to the delicate hands of his lover.

Each stroke wrought old and new sensations unto Zack's body and he moved into Cloud's motion with little thought in his head, but when Cloud stopped, his stared down into the face, his chest heaving, his lungs working to catch his breath. "Whatzzup?" he breathed.

Cloud tugged on his partner's shirt and then lifted it. Zack lifted his arms and let Cloud ease it off. Standing up, Zack eagerly opted to undress. He was reaching down to get rid of his sweats when Cloud brought both hands up and explored Zack's bared flesh and then leaned forward to give sloppy kisses down the length of his stomach as he traveled farther south.

Retrieving Zack's cock, he rubbed his up and down once and then brought it to his mouth. Zack threw his head back and moaned, reaching behind him from something to brace himself with—in this case, it was the corner of his desk. With one hand firmly holding him up, he placed the other hand in Cloud's silky blond hair and held it there, without exerting much force.

Cloud licked the mushroom head once and then twice, and shifted his gaze up to capture Zack's. Without looking away, he took it into the hot depths of his mouth, working his mouth around the hard phallus and sucking. Establishing a rocking motion, he moved with Zack. As the fiery need for release rose from deep inside of him, Zack moved faster, Cloud struggling to keep up but determined, and then he came, Cloud's name rolling off his tongue.

With a throaty grunt, he sagged over Cloud's seated form, using the little strength left to breathe and not collapse. Cloud swallowed all of the seed and licked up the base of the cock and gave one last lap at the head before pulling back, a dazed expression on his face.

Zack didn't have much energy left to laugh, but he made an honest effort and then pointed to Cloud. "You, uh, got something there."

Cloud brought his finger up to his mouth, where Zack had indicated, and wiped off the last of Zack's semen from his lips with the tip and then lifted it to Zack's half-parted lips. With a thick swallow, he enclosed his lips around his lover's finger and tasted himself infused with the saltiness of Cloud's skin.

As Cloud withdrew his finger, he stepped back, satisfied, and studied his work as painter would to a painting. Zack drew him into a tight embrace, his heart rate slowing to a more normal pace and his mind clearing. "Now," he murmured, placing kissing atop Cloud's head, "what are we going to do about you?"

Cloud tensed in the embrace and tried to tear himself away, but Zack held onto him. Seeing he could not win, he relinquished his struggles and replied, "Nothing."

"Nothing?" Zack pulled back enough to examine Cloud's face.

Cloud shrugged, not quite meeting his eyes. "I'm fine. But maybe we could lay in bed for a while? I'm tired."

"And hungry, I would think." But as Cloud straightened himself in the bed, Zack climbed in beside him and drew the comforter over their forms. Cloud turned on his side cuddle close to Zack, but before he could close his eyes, Zack was taking off his shirt. He tensed underneath Zack's clumsy hands, but Zack reassured him. "I'm not going to do anything. Just let me touch you."

Zack pulled him close and they lay in the bed like that, with the window open, until after dark. Zack, himself, had dosed off after a few minutes as the warmth flowed between them in a steady current. So when someone barged into his room, slamming the door into the wall, he was shocked. There, standing in the doorframe with the yellow light from the hallway bleeding into the room, stood Seifer.

"Shit."

"What the shit is going on here? Am I really seeing this?" He flipped on the light, staring at the shirtless forms pressed together underneath Zack's sheets. He burst out laughing. "I am so going to tell Basch. This is so fucked up."

"No!" they both exclaimed at once, then Cloud added, "Please don't tell Basch."

Seifer couldn't stopped cackling. "This is great. I...fuck...what a way to begin Reno's party. Shit. Just, just...get yer clothes on and let's go. We're gonna miss Reno's party...and I'll think about not telling Basch about this. Man, he's gonna be so fucking pissed. What the fuck were you thinking, Zack?" He turned and started out the door again. "What the fuck...? Just unbelievable."

Cloud buried his face in his pillow. Zack paused, half sitting up. There was no way that tonight was going to work out, but...there was also no way to get out of it. "You're not getting out of Reno's party now," he warned Cloud. "I'm...I'm so sorry." He didn't know exactly why he was apologizing or why he even felt as if he had to apologize. But...Cloud had to be regretting this whole evening now, and he hated to disappoint the blond.

Blue eyes never met his. Cloud scooted off the side of the bed and searched for his tossed shirt in a web of eerie silence that he carried with him until they were presentable and on their way in Seifer's truck to Reno's birthday party.

Sitting in the front with Cloud in the back, Zack leaned over slightly. "Seifer, don't tell Basch."

"I was just joshing your strings, retard farm. I really _should_ tell Basch, but he'd be so upset, I'm fairly sure he'd kill you. But you fucking better do something to clean this up. Cuz it sure as hell ain't goin' away."

Zack bowed his head. No, it sure as hell wasn't, but at least Seifer wouldn't tell—not willingly anyway.

* * *

**Author's Note: **When I first wrote this part, I had thought it went perfectly, and now that I'm reading it over...several weeks later, I wonder whether it is as random as it seems. Too soon? I think it needs a better transition...

I'm sorry for breaking up ONE DAY in so many chapters, but this next part needs to be from Cloud's point of view, and frankly, I think you all have been waiting too very long to wait for me to write the end to the night.

Bah! I'm done. Terribly sorry for the long update...and it's not even that rewarding of a chapter!


	19. Chapter 19: A Night Not Quite Right

**Disclaimer: **Don't own it, don't profit from it; just enjoy it.

**What They Leave Behind**

**Chapter 19**

_A Night Not Quite Right_

It hadn't felt right. It wasn't that it hadn't felt utterly delightful—the touching, the kissing, the lips mashed together, the accidental rubbing up against one another's bodies—it just wasn't right. He hadn't realized what that something was until after it happened. Contented with taking care of Zack's hard-on and keeping Zack in the darkness about his _lack_ of one, Cloud had easily slipped into the bed along side the firm-chested senior to snuggle. At least _that_ had felt perfectly right.

But then _he_ had come in. Cloud had been half asleep, already standing at the gates of a dream, when he'd felt the muscles rippling across Zack's chest constrict. Alarmed, he consciously took a step back from sleep and opened his eyes to bright, shining overhead light. Blinking, he saw Seifer gawking in the doorway. Well, leering. Sneering. Snickering. Whatever.

The fact that Blabbermouth knew a secret like this meant there was no way the night was going to end well. While Seifer was intentionally a dick, he _knew_ Basch would kill Zack if he found out, didn't he? There was just no way this could be happening! Of all the people, _why Seifer Almasy_?

But then something different happened, other than what Cloud expected. He started to accept the fact that nothing he expected to happen would happen, but it sort of fell over him like...like a weight. A big two-hundred pound weight, crushing his bones, squeezing the life out of his heart, sucking the air out of his lungs.

"I'm sorry," Zack said. Was he sorry Cloud now _had_ to come to Reno's party or sorry they had gotten caught or sorry they had done anything? Sorry for what, exactly? That Zack took extra care not to touch him as they got ready answered the question.

He had every right to be sorry. Aerith, poor Aerith. If she found out, she'd be mortified—and everybody would know her boyfriend cheated on her with another boy! But something deep within made Cloud's heart clench. It was too hard to feel sorry for someone else when he felt even sorrier for himself.

He scrambled to climb into Seifer's new truck, a beast of a thing, and Seifer gave him an uninvited boost into the back without a word. Still in shock. Still deciding what he could get out of this, what he could get Cloud and Zack to do for him.

Cloud listened to the diesel roar to life, let it drown out the words that fell in the valley between Zack and Seifer, up front. He watched the blackened world from his window, pretended not to see Seifer eyeing him in the rear-view mirror with what _seemed_ like an apprehensive look, and tried to think of Reno. It was his birthday party after all. Everyone was going—did that mean it was okay he hadn't gotten the redhead a gift?

When they had arrived—eventually—Seifer cut the engine and grinned over his shoulder at Cloud. "I'd give you my keys, kiddo, but I have a feeling you'll be drinking more than me tonight." He winked and then hopped out of the truck. Cloud didn't unbuckle the seatbelt. Instead, he closed his eyes and wished the night was already over. It wasn't as if he knew anyone who was going to be here except Basch and his henchmen, which meant that tonight would be extra awkward.

Seifer opened the back door and pulled at Cloud, until he unsnapped the belt and allowed himself to be dragged out of the truck. "C'mon, stop feeling sorry for yourself," he gruffed. "You'll feel better after some beer and maybe a line or two." Zack glared. "Or not." He gave Cloud a nudge and soon they'd both left him alone by the truck. Great.

Reno's house wasn't very large and certainly not large enough to accommodate the hundreds that had shown up. Cloud didn't even recognize most of them—a few were freshmen and sophomores, a lot were seniors and juniors, many of them were alumni losers, and the rest were complete strangers. The party had spilled out onto the yard, front and back, with the porch lights on and the music drifting over the still air.

Cloud sighed. He could just walk home from here, burrow in his blankets and sleep the rest of the night away. He could walk the few blocks to Lulu's and see whether she still wanted to do something. Maybe he could confide in her—probably not.

"Didn't think I'd find you here."

Cloud turned to see Aerith and Terra strolling up the driveway, and he froze to the spot. Great. Just perfect. The girls both smiled at him and stood on either side of him as if with synchronized minds, and dragged him along with them. "Did Basch really make you come here?" Terra asked.

For a moment, Cloud couldn't find any words to reply. Blood flooded his cheeks and his whole body suddenly felt numb. Here was Aerith being a sweetheart, as was her nature, and he had just..._done_ something with her boyfriend. It was easier to handle the guilt when her large green eyes were _not_ fixated on his face, her brows knitted together in genuine worry. "Are you sick, Cloud?" she asked, stopping their progress before they made it into the house. She reached out to touch his face.

"Did Basch really make you come when you weren't feeling well?" Terra asked, rolling her eyes at her boyfriend's fatuity.

Cloud was about to say that it had actually been Seifer this time, but then that would rouse questions—questions he did not want to answer. "No, I wanted to come," he heard himself blurt out.

"Really?" They both exchanged surprised looks. "Didn't see that coming," admitted Aerith. "Okay, then, why do you look so fri—oh. I get it, you must feel so uncomfortable!" She marched into the house all of a sudden, leaving Terra and Cloud standing out front, and searched the crowd for something. She sounded with a "Aha!" before turned back and pointing. "Tifa's here, Cloud. Why don't you go say hi?"

Terra nudged him. "Just be nice to her this time."

It took Cloud a split second to make a final decision—stay with Aerith who he had just back-stabbed or hang out with Tifa who...well...was Tifa? Besides, once out of Aerith's eyeshot, he didn't even need to go near Tifa. He murmured a thanks without looking at either of the girls and walked inside.

For the first time in his life, being surrounded by noisy people ignoring his very existence did not bother him. He slipped in between people and kept a low profile, his mind spinning. He hated that the music wasn't loud enough to drown out his thoughts, to stop the sensation of Zack underneath his fingers, the taste of him in his mouth playing over and over again in his head.

It was stupid of him to go into that territory. Wasn't Squall coming back home—with Mr. and Mrs. Loire, nonetheless? Wasn't Zack going to marry a nice girl after school, like all high school jocks did after the prime of their lives? What he had with Zack was special, and now he most likely ruined it. And when Basch found out...oh, and he would find out sooner or later because Seifer was just about as capable of keeping a secret as a fishnet kept water.

And it shouldn't even come down to Basch, either. It was really about Aerith. How would she react?

No, it was really about the hole that suddenly opened again. It had opened when he had let Squall take what he didn't deserve to take, and then healed when Zack patched it up. And now it was back. It ached deep inside; he just wanted to run it all out again, run until his sides hurt, his ankles screamed in pain, his mind went blank.

First he had to survive the night. Booze and drunks, loud music and dancers, it was not the type of place he needed to be. He slipped out back, into the rather small yard where a few were gathered in little clusters away from the booming music. Cloud didn't see Basch among them, so he settled into a lawn chair in a dark corner and closed his eyes as the pain washed over him tenfold.

It would be a nightmare if he cried right then and there. He rubbed his forehead, digging his fingers into the wrinkled skin, and let out an unsteady sigh. _It's gonna be okay, it's gonna be okay, it's gonna be okay_, he repeated to himself silently. Absorbed deeply in the mantra, he didn't notice the presence of another near by. Not until it spoke.

"Have some."

Cloud froze and then, with some daring, peered up at Shadow—Clyde or whatever his name was. The senior was holding a red plastic cup his way. He lowered his gaze to the cup, and Cloud inadvertently followed his gaze. When he didn't reach for it, Shadow prompted, "You look like you might need some. It's cheap and it really doesn't go down well, but...a few cups and you'll be as happy as a butterfly." He paused and then opened his mouth, only to close it back again. If he had something to add concerning the last sentence, he decided against voicing it.

Shadow shook the cup a little, the beer sloshing around the rim. With a shrug, he gave up and put it on the flat armrest of the lawn chair, tipping his own cup to his lips to down the last bit of it. With a heavy sigh, he tossed the cup into a trash bin. "Happy party." He turned to walk away.

"Why are you here?" Cloud blurted out. It wasn't easy for him to ask it, but it was a question that led away from his thoughts. If he could bury himself in something outside his fears, then maybe he could make it through the night alive. It seemed solid, right? He had been wondering, anyway, since Shadow wasn't much of a popular kid. He didn't seem like he was friends with anyone, really, and so why would he come to Reno's birthday party?

Shadow immediately came back. There was something about the way he jumped at conversation that made Cloud even sadder, seeing loneliness and the need for isolation in something other than himself. He stood next to Cloud's sitting form and folded his arms across his chest. "Do I need a reason?"

"No." Though he could rightly argue that there was a reason for everything, and so there was a reason to Shadow's presence. Maybe it was because he wanted to be around people, even if he couldn't actually be _among_ them, comrade to comrade, which made Cloud fall deeper. He picked up the cup and took a sip. He'd had beer before, but he'd never liked the taste. He still hadn't developed a taste for it, but he swallowed it down and hoped Shadow's cure for an awful night would actually work.

"I saw you come with the disaster twins."

Cloud cracked a smile. "Disaster twins?"

"Wherever they are, whatever they do, they leave devastation in their wake."

Cloud snorted. "Tell me about it. I don't think this recent development is going to get mended any time soon, either." He took another swig, trying to swallow it all down without the bitterness running across his taste buds. A failed attempted, but better.

Instead of asking to which 'development' he was referring, Shadow said, "I'll get something good." He disappeared for a bit, leaving Cloud to watch the party unfold around him.

Reno was in and out of groups, talking to pretty much everyone who'd come. Basch was inside, next to Terra, and watching Seifer get wasted. At the rate that blond was going, Cloud would say that Seifer would be wearing his underwear on his head in another hour or so—which did help bring Cloud's hopes up. Zack, it was clear from Cloud's standpoint, was avoiding Aerith. She was frustrated, he could tell, but she wouldn't say anything at the party. So she fumed in silence by Terra and Basch while Zack buzzed here and there, downing every liquid with which he came in contact

As for the rest of the party, it was just a normal party. Seeing it from outside made Cloud feel like an outsider. He was, truly, but...now he knew for sure. It was so obvious that he didn't belong; he didn't belong at a party for seniors like Basch and Seifer, didn't belong with Zack, didn't belong anywhere.

He could feel it rising from his stomach, the ache of loneliness that Zack had struggled to deflect. What could be worse? Someone was going to find out sooner or later and disaster was eminent. With Zack, with Basch, with Seifer, with Aerith...what would Lu even say when she found out? Or maybe he should go to her tonight, tell her and see what insight she could offer him.

He sighed; that was a stupid plan. The less people who knew, the least amount of damage, right?

Shadow was back, bearing a bottle of Smirnoff's vodka in one hand. He handed it over to Cloud. "Drink away." He glanced at something behind him, the bushes entrenched in shadows, made a face, and then said, "Hope that helps." He walked away without another word.

He popped off the stopper and took a sip. It burned all the way down his throat to his stomach. He took another. Eventually the burn would disappear; it had to.

After many more sips that were steadily growing into swigs, he started wondering exactly what happened to all the time that passed. All of a sudden, he felt sick; his stomach twisting and turning within. One moment he was pretty much alone in the yard and the next moment there was a crowd. Or kind of a crowd but not really.

Basch was standing above him one second, then just inches away from his face a second later. It made Cloud dizzy. He pushed his brother away, his stomach lurching. "...drunk, Cloud?" Basch was saying. Cloud couldn't tell if it was with humor or anger the senior spoke; only that it was loud and unnatural. "Are you drunk?" Basch repeated.

"Sure." Cloud shrugged his shoulders and tried fixing his face so that it wasn't inches away from Basch's.

"Why the hell are you drinking? Do you—I—can't..."

"Give the kid a break, Basch. He's had a long night." The was Seifer. And suddenly the nausea quadrupled.

"Long night? That doesn't mean he needs to get wasted. We're going home, _right now_." He moved to grab Cloud, but Cloud sloppily evaded the hands.

"I don't want to," he murmured defiantly.

"Ah, just leave him be, Baschy. I don't know. If I totally let Zack do me, I'd be pretty-" and that was all that Cloud heard, because the expression on Basch's face twisted into something ugly and his face turned scarlet. Cloud wasn't even sure the blond moron finished his sentence, because his mouth was still open, his eyes frozen in shock as if he knew he'd said the worst thing to him possible without even meaning to.

Cloud dared himself to glance at Zack, who stood just behind the other two seniors with Aerith and Terra and some people that Cloud didn't care to name. He didn't look at the girls' faces; just Zack's. It, too, was frozen in that weird time warp where everything slowed down to a crawling pace. His expression was innocent, as if he didn't think it possible that Seifer could have ever divulged his secret to Basch, especially the way he did it. Or it said that he was exactly that—innocent.

Basch was yelling something now that Cloud didn't understand. He, who had mastered making himself invisible since first-grade, made himself smaller, out-of-sight as Basch swung around with a fist flying straight for Zack. It took a few moments for the movement to register in Cloud's head that the first slammed into that innocent face and sent Zack recoiling back.

There was more of a struggle, but Cloud couldn't concentrate on it. Seifer was standing in the middle, saying something to Basch, and Reno was out there with a new group of people to see the fight, and Cloud knew that it was _really_ time to leave. It didn't really matter where he went, just as long as it was far, far away from this night.

/ - / - / - / - / - /

**Author's Note: **I'm sorry it took so long to update. It's short, and not as big as I expected this chapter to be, but...it's been a while since I've been in the loop of WTLB. It seems like I should have waited a few days before revealing the little act between Zack and Cloud earlier, but it makes for an easier Chapter 20.

Thanks for all of your reviews. They make me so happy, and there are so many of them! -sigh- You all have great patience to be able to wait this long for updates, and I really appreciate it.

On another note, **Pieces of You** will be updated soon, but I wouldn't expect it in the next day or two.


	20. Chapter 20: Refraction

**What They Leave Behind**

**Chapter 20**

_Refraction_

Morning always came. No matter how deeply the night delved into darkness, it always gave way to the dawn, and light warmed the earth. Mornings brought sunshine through his window, nudging him awake even if he fought it. Some mornings he woke before the dawn, before the sun rose over the distant hills, and enjoyed the cool morning by stretching his muscles and running off anxiety. Morning always came, and if he didn't want it to come, he always had running. Almost his whole life he has this guarantee, except now. Now, it's different.

But morning might never come now, he thought. Even if he wanted it, it seemed like the night had lasted forever and had no intention of turning to dawn. His life might be stuck in a never-ending nightmare where his life turned from bad to worse. There could be no mistake about that now.

He could not imagine how much worse his life could become, but he knew there was no going back. He had crossed a line when he'd chosen to touch the untouchable, to kiss that which wasn't his to kiss. He had known its utter wrongness from the moment he decided to do it, he had _felt_ it deep in the pit of his stomach that he could not take a step back and undo the damage he had inflicted on himself and Zack.

So when his nightmare came to a culmination and Almasy opened his big mouth for the worst, Cloud knew he had to go. It didn't matter where he went, but he could no longer be around them. He would never be able to look Basch in the eye—never Zack or Seifer or even Aerith. He could never feel Zack's warmth as it radiated from his body, could never again lean on Zack's firm body.

His strength would have to come from within and never from another human being. Zack would be eliminated from his life, and he would simply do without. After all, hadn't he been just fine before Zack started coming around and sticking his nose where it didn't belong?

But that thought alone didn't cure the stomachache he could feel coming on. His stomach twisted and turned as thoughts of leaving Zack behind raged in his head—and his head felt heavy.

Cloud considered returning home, but it simply didn't feel like home anymore. It felt like a place to stay for the night, but the comfort that he had once enjoyed had long since drained from its walls. It was cold and barren, a wasteland for old memories meant to be forgotten. And he didn't want to be there.

He wandered around the neighborhood. Down this street, over to that street. The night seemed to embrace him as he wandered and thought about where to go. Home wasn't an option. Zack's...clearly not an option. He thought of visiting the bridge over the creek, where he normally found himself. But nowhere seemed to satisfy him.

His thoughts turned colder as he walked. His head seemed to weigh more and more, foggy and unclear. The urge to lay down and sleep weighed heavily on each step he took. His stomach kept churning when he thought about what the morning would bring to his doorstep. _This night will end_, he thought._ It will end, and tomorrow will force everyone to face it, clear-eyed and fresh. _But he didn't want to face it. He wanted everything to go back to the way things were pre-Zack. If he could just turn back time...

His feet led him to the park near the bridge. The stadium lights were off by now. He doubted he would find anyone in the park except an occasional teen couple making out on the slides under the cover of a starless sky. He crossed over the hillock by the restrooms, passing through the faint orange glow of the ancient lights, and followed the path from the main park to the copse through which the creek ran.

What if he could just pretend it never happened? He could go to Basch and explain to him it was an accident. He could even admit that he'd been in love with Squall—but wait, that might makes things worse.

He slowed his pace as this thought coursed through his mind. He should _minimize_ the damage, not maximize it. The goal would be convince Basch it was an accident, something never to repeat itself ever again, and from then on, keep as far from Zack and Aerith as possible. He could lock himself in his room and never come out. He could check himself into a mental hospital and disappear from everyone's thoughts like his brother did.

But none of these courses of action seemed to appease him. Nothing that had been done tonight could ever be undone, and did he truly want them to be undone?

He came to the bridge and slipped his legs over the edge, letting them dangling. Leaning his forehead, burning hot, against the cool wood, he gazed down at the calm water below him and tried to calm his thoughts.

What good would it do to keep thinking about it? The night would end. Tomorrow would have to answer for today's sins, and he could try to sit here thinking about how to combat the retribution, but, really, it would have no effect. There was no way to foresee how tomorrow would play out.

He concentrated his whole being on breathing in and out. _It's going to be okay. It's really going to be okay. Everyone was drunk; no one was in their right minds. Everything will be forgotten tomorrow. Everything will be okay._

He closed his eyes and wiggled his feet. There was no fighting it. He was tired; his entire body sagged underneath the weight of the alcohol, the turmoil. He thought sleep might find him here on this bridge; a certain peace that always seemed to befall him when he came to Roxas's spot, but sleep never came.

He was awake when the sun rose. He watched as the orange glow of the sun peaked through the canopy and reflected on the water's surface as it journeyed from beyond the hills and climbed higher and higher in the sky. He tried thinking about how he'd felt yesterday at this same time, the anxiety bubbling in his stomach.

All in one day, he'd felt every emotion he could possibly feel. He thought he'd made progress—he thought he'd fixed a problem he had. There was relief there as the day went on, but it was far, far too good to be true.

It was almost a blessing it was a weekend. He wouldn't really have to deal with Aerith and the general student body until Monday. It was mostly facing Basch—possibly Seifer and Zack. But the puppy seemed to have been walking with his tail between his legs even before Seifer opened his mouth.

The message was clear enough: what they'd done was wrong. It couldn't have been simpler. What had he been thinking? Why did he think he could ever have a happy ending? When had any relationship he ever had turned out to be too good to be true? He should have been wary of a trap. He should have seen Zack was—was what? What exactly was Zack doing?

He conjured up an image of the evening before, when Zack's hands had been on him, touching him, when Cloud had been running his fingers across warm skin and had drowned in the sensation. Surely that expression, carnal and pure at the same time, was not one out of disgust but out of desire for Cloud. Wasn't it? But the face was blurred now; Cloud's own memory had erased it from his mind.

He gathered himself up and came home, sleep and tranquility having eluded him. _I might not ever sleep again_, he thought to himself as he trudged through the park back to the street. _Should I bother taking sleeping pills even?_ They helped, most certainly. Yet he couldn't put it in his mind to do it.

As he rounded the corner to his street, he spotted Seifer's monster of a truck in front of his house. Inwardly, he groaned. Perhaps Seifer would take pity and make it up to him by ignoring him for the rest of his life. Perhaps he would pretend it never happened. The idiot was never good in any kind of situation that required anything but jackass humor or anger, so he might leave it.

Fat chance. Bowing his head, Cloud stuffed his hands in his pockets and strengthened his resolve to go home. He'd shower and put on some Pjs and lose himself in some T.V. Show. Wasn't that what normal people did when they felt horrible? Running didn't seem to do it for him. Garnering the energy to get up and run was too much for him these days, being so weary and battle-worn.

He couldn't try to sleep in his bed and stare at the ceiling. It would be pointless. If he couldn't doze off at the bridge, he wouldn't be able to do it in his quiet bedroom. What do people do to ease this burden?

He briefly wondered whether a carton of ice cream actually worked, but he had never really been a junk-food junkie. When he was a runner, he would feel pangs of guilt if he indulged in too many sweets without running. And he hadn't really run in more days than he could care to count. It made him delve deeper into his self-pity.

He passed Tifa's place with very little thought of her, except that he hoped she was too hung over to be sitting out on her front porch this early in the morning. She apparently was, because he had no sighting of her. Instead, as he drew closer to his own home, he saw that Seifer was leaning against the cab of his truck in the shadows, his arms folded across his chest as his eyes were trained on the sidewalk before him.

Cloud began to groan, but he stopped himself. What more damage could this guy do, anyway? And was it really his fault? After all, Zack clearly was sorry for what had happened between the two of them. Seifer hadn't actually done anything. It would have gone bad whether he'd seen, opened his mouth, or saw nothing.

He rounded the truck as silent as a cat and crept toward the front door, but Seifer stirred and saw him. "Hey, wait up, butt-munch."

Cloud froze but refused to turn. "Look, I'm really not in the mood."

Seifer approached in a slow, steady gait. "I know, I know. I promise not to bug you, I swear." He placed a hand on Cloud's shoulder and spun him around to face him, but Cloud didn't look up. So he lifted Cloud's chin, too. "I'm not gonna bug you. I just, uh, wanted to say, you know...I shoulda kept my mouth shut last night."

"That's great." Cloud turned his eyes to Seifer's truck. He wondered when Seifer would get the work done to get the flames burning on the sides.

"No, really. I was just, uh, drunk. You know? I'll talk to Basch. I'll tell him I was just fuckin' around. You're just a kid; shit happens. I didn't know what I was sayin'."

Cloud shuddered and jerked out of Seifer's grasp. "It doesn't matter. That's not the problem. Just go away."

"Look, I'm trying to make it up to you. I brought Lu here. She's waiting for you in your room. So you can...I dunno, do your thing and bitch and eat a carton of ice cream or something."

Cloud spun on his heels and trudged to the front door.

"Oh, and Zack's okay, in case you're wondering. I took care of the fight when you left. It's all good." He sounded proud.

He shut the door with a firm finality. Good riddance.

"Did he apologize?" The calm voice came from the kitchen. Suddenly Lu was standing beside him, her dark hair plaited behind her, her make-up freshly done. _She must have gotten up really early_.

"He doesn't need to apologize."

"He _is_ sorry. You know, he came home last night and dragged me out of bed to tell me a sob story about his crimes."

"His crimes?" Cloud couldn't bring himself to smile.

"All of them. The lies he used to tell Squall, the pranks he played on Zell—you know, that one time that Rufus Shinra fell out of that tree and broke his leg? Seifer pushed him."

"That doesn't really surprise me, now that I think about it."

She lunged forward and wrapped her long limbs around him. "Oh, Cloud." He let her squeeze him before pulling away. "You know, you can always talk to me."

"I know."

She withdrew from his space a few steps. "I suppose you want to take a shower or something? You reek of alcohol."

She sat on the floor of the bathroom while he showered, her back to the wall as she stared across the room at the mirror. He closed his eyes as the warm water washed over him. Steam materialized around him, engulfing him in an easy warmth, while Lulu talked.

"Seifer was really upset, though. Everything just sort of poured out." She paused and then added softly, "He thinks he ruined Zack and Basch's friendship."

"But it wouldn't be _his_ fault." Cloud poured shampoo on his palm and rubbed it through his hair, closing his eyes tightly. "It would be mine."

She let the words hang in the air before saying, "What happened between you and Zack?" It came out gentle and undemanding. She wrapped her arms around her knees, and when Cloud didn't respond, she commented on his bathroom. "I bet your bathroom has never seen a scrub brush."

"I'd bet that, too. I don't know why you're sitting on the floor."

"It's better than the toilet?"

Silence fell among them, but Cloud was determined to talk it away. "What else did Seifer confess to?"

"The normal. He cheated on Rinoa a few times, but I don't think that was a secret. Let's see, do you remember my pet cat that ran away, Lightning? Well, she didn't actually run away. When Seifer was learning how to drive, he ran over her in the driveway. Matron was in the car with him, but neither of them told me about it. They just said she ran away."

"I'm sorry, Lulu." He couldn't say she was crying when Lightning had "run away," but he could tell she lost sleep over it. She had enlisted Squall and him in making LOST posters and dispersing them around town.

"It was a while ago. He seemed especially torn up about that, but maybe he was looking for sympathy? He was probably too drunk to know what he was doing.

"Anyway, he confessed to kissing Basch once. He said it was a while ago, when Zack was 'experimenting.' He wanted to try it too. He pretended to be drunk, but he wasn't. Basch, to this day, thinks he was drunk and doesn't remember."

Cloud cracked a smile. He had to pull the curtain back enough to poke his head through and look at her face. "You serious?"

"Yep. I'm telling you, he left nothing unsaid last night." She blushed a little at that and turned her face away.

He wondered what else he might have said that could make her blush. Seifer probably had done a lot of things, but he was never one to keep secrets. He withdrew behind the curtain again.

She chose then to change the subject. "Are you happy Squall is coming home?"

"Yeah, when is it now?"

"He's coming soon. He's staying with us first, then he'll go live with his new family."

Cloud dropped the bar of soap. "Soon, soon, soon. _When_ is soon?" He bent over to retrieve the soap. "Really. I'm sick of hearing it. I want to know when I can see Squall again. When he'll be back. Because of all this shit will go away when he's here." He blinked back the stinging tears that began forming in his eyes.

Lulu hesitated. "Do you really believe that?"

"Yes." _With all my being_. "If he hadn't left me in the first place, things would never have gotten this bad." His words felt grainy in his mouth.

Lulu took a deep breath. "That may be true, but...I didn't really want to say anything, but it hurts me to see you hurting like this. Cloud, you're almost an adult. It's nice to rely on others for a while, but no one is responsible for your happiness but you. Squall left and now he's coming back. You tried to replace him with Zack, and that didn't work out.

"_Squall is coming back,_" she repeated. "That's really all that has happened. What has you so upset? Isn't this what you've wanted all along?"

_It is._ It wasn't that simple, though. "I don't know." He bowed his head and wrapped his arms around his abdomen. "I thought that's what I wanted, but...being with Zack just felt different. It felt right." He spoke to the shower curtain, grateful it was there between them.

"You're in a hard situation. Zack's your brother's best friend, and he has a girlfriend, too." She brushed her pants off as she stood up. "If you feel that it's right, you shouldn't be deterred. Basch would have had to find out, and he'll get over it eventually. Aerith and Zack will need to break up. And she'll get over it eventually, too. People our age break up all the time. As for everybody else? What does their opinion matter? You'll probably never see most of them after graduation anyway."

Lulu liked to put things into perspective. Things made more sense to her laid out in a diagram before her where she could see the cause and effect relationship. Cloud wiped at his eyes. If only it was that simple. He didn't want to explain how he felt. He decided to let it go for now. "Don't go planning my future, Lu."

/ - / - / - / - / - /

When conversation ran dry, Lulu hugged him again and left him with these parting words: "I'm sorry I'm not a good enough friend. If I knew what to say, I would." He hated himself for making her say such words. He watched her from his window as she traversed the lawn to the sidewalk and went down the street. When she was no longer in his view, he berated himself for not offering to walk with her.

He withdrew from the window and curled up on his bed. Mother must have arranged it while he was supposed to be at school the previous day, and since he hadn't slept there last night or the night before, it was still crease-free. He willed himself to sleep, but he never got the chance to fulfill it. Basch knocked.

"Lu's gone finally?" Basch poked his head in, glanced around, and then widened the door. "We should talk about last night."

"I wish you wouldn't. There's nothing to say."

He shut the door behind him, letting the thud reverberate in the almost barren room, and crossed the floor without a word. His eyes roamed across Cloud's curled up form that made no show of shifting to make more room for Basch before he took a seat on Roxas's bed. _At least I don't feel like crying_, he thought.

"I don't know why I even bother," Basch admitted just barely over a whisper. "You'll just avoid my questions and I'll leave even more frustrated than I was before, but I have to ask it. Did Zack _hurt_ you?"

Cloud had to stop to ponder. Physically or emotionally?

He tucked his lower lip between his teeth and nibbled as a thought came to him. _Just spit it out. Just say it. Zack was good to me. Zack wouldn't hurt me._ But how true was that? Because that "I'm sorry" tagged at the end made things a whole lot worse. He turned his eyes up toward his brother and watched him talk.

Basch continued on with only a little pause. "You've been...I don't know, different lately." His gaze fell upon Zack's clothes piled up in the corner. The belt buckle with the engraved Z sat on top. Eyebrows furrowed, he said, "To be honest, I wasn't all that surprised. Zack had already kissed you, and you spent the whole—well, you'd been with him for two nights in a row now. You can't trust Zack with anyone that long before he pulls a move or two."

"Are you mad at him?"

"Hell yeah. And I don't regret the beating I gave him, either. But it's okay. We're still friends, I guess. Zack's a good guy. He just does...really stupid shit. He's dating Aerith, you know."

"Everyone has kindly pointed that out to me today."

"I don't know what he was thinking. But, Cloud, if you tell me this is what you want, I'll back off. I won't kill Zack or anything." A sliver of a smile appeared on his normally somber face. "I guess I overreacted."

Cloud lowered his eyes and trembled. Without thinking, he blurted out, "No. This whole thing with Zack is nothing serious. I'm in love with Squall, and Zack is some...insignificant...fly I can't seem to swat away."

/ - / - / - / - / - /

**Author's Note: **I'm not giving up! Scout's honor. But thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you to all my faithful and new readers and reviewers. I'm always so happy to hear from you, and every review I get prompts me to work through it more and more. My last reviews/PMs have gotten me through the last few pages of this chapter. Point: the more reviews I get, the more I will be able to write!


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